Conscript
GHANz
Join Date: 2004-02-05 Member: 26118Members
Join Date: 2004-02-05 Member: 26118Members
<div class="IPBDescription">BEST NS STORAY EVAHHAEAWAWEAWE!11!11!!</div>Chapter 1-Wake
"Hey kid wake up"
"Wake up kid"
"Huh?"
The "kid" was hunched over in the corner of the ship, drool covering one side of his mouth in the direction his head had fallen. He hadn't even bothered to open his eye's either, talking in a state of half-sleep.
"What? What do you want?"
The other voiced laughed a deep jovial laugh "Kid do you have any idea where you are?"
He straightened his back against the wall and slowly opened his eyes-not caring too much to worry about his present location. "Hell if I know" he said, still in a sleepy stupor "but I guess its where I wouldn't normally want to be"
"Well Hell yeah, and its not so bad if you opened your eyes you lazy *******, at least not until we make it to the station" said the man standing up.
The "kid" opened his eyes, glancing around; he was on a typical army transport flying several hundred feet off the ground. Slowly he bent his knees, then tucked then into his stomach and with one quick motion stood up, feeling a slight blood rush in his head that threatened to reseat him back in his corner. The other man he was with was a mammoth, black, six foot something and at least two hundred fifty plus pounds; he almost looked too big to even fit into his regulation grey Nanite regulated suit. Nanite regulated suits were always worn on higher ranked men in the Altanian army.
"Damn you must have either ###### someone off or been really unlucky in a bar to have woken up here. Don’t feel too bad though, I woke up here just like you two years ago. Whats your name kid?"
"Gus" replied the sleepy civilian.
"Well Gus it looks like you have now been conscripted into the Altanian reserves-don't your feel lucky?" he said while grinning and typing something into a data pad that was integrated into his left forearm armor.
Gus didn't reply, but walked slowly up to the shielded opening on the side of the transport-looking down at the planets surface. It was beautiful in a way, the red dust was sweeping up over a cliff on the red planets surface-in the distance he could see a mining town dug deeply into the side of the cliff, the town, originally grey with blue lights everywhere had been adapted into the world’s style, having a red tint stuck to everywhere. No matter what was put down upon the planets surface, it would always be dyed the color red because of the never ending red dust storms that would rotate around the planets surface. He wasn't sure if he missed the mining town or not-it was a bleak existence living in the work community there. He smiled a grim smile, wondering if his chances of survival were better in the marine reserves.
"Hey kid wake up"
"Wake up kid"
"Huh?"
The "kid" was hunched over in the corner of the ship, drool covering one side of his mouth in the direction his head had fallen. He hadn't even bothered to open his eye's either, talking in a state of half-sleep.
"What? What do you want?"
The other voiced laughed a deep jovial laugh "Kid do you have any idea where you are?"
He straightened his back against the wall and slowly opened his eyes-not caring too much to worry about his present location. "Hell if I know" he said, still in a sleepy stupor "but I guess its where I wouldn't normally want to be"
"Well Hell yeah, and its not so bad if you opened your eyes you lazy *******, at least not until we make it to the station" said the man standing up.
The "kid" opened his eyes, glancing around; he was on a typical army transport flying several hundred feet off the ground. Slowly he bent his knees, then tucked then into his stomach and with one quick motion stood up, feeling a slight blood rush in his head that threatened to reseat him back in his corner. The other man he was with was a mammoth, black, six foot something and at least two hundred fifty plus pounds; he almost looked too big to even fit into his regulation grey Nanite regulated suit. Nanite regulated suits were always worn on higher ranked men in the Altanian army.
"Damn you must have either ###### someone off or been really unlucky in a bar to have woken up here. Don’t feel too bad though, I woke up here just like you two years ago. Whats your name kid?"
"Gus" replied the sleepy civilian.
"Well Gus it looks like you have now been conscripted into the Altanian reserves-don't your feel lucky?" he said while grinning and typing something into a data pad that was integrated into his left forearm armor.
Gus didn't reply, but walked slowly up to the shielded opening on the side of the transport-looking down at the planets surface. It was beautiful in a way, the red dust was sweeping up over a cliff on the red planets surface-in the distance he could see a mining town dug deeply into the side of the cliff, the town, originally grey with blue lights everywhere had been adapted into the world’s style, having a red tint stuck to everywhere. No matter what was put down upon the planets surface, it would always be dyed the color red because of the never ending red dust storms that would rotate around the planets surface. He wasn't sure if he missed the mining town or not-it was a bleak existence living in the work community there. He smiled a grim smile, wondering if his chances of survival were better in the marine reserves.
Comments
2. if you want some quality fan fictional stories read this <a href="http://www.unknownworlds.com/ns/static/world/constellation.html" target="_blank">constellation</a> history
3. You made this yourself?
2.I've read them before back in the early days of ns-whoever wrote them needs to write more. I should read them again but I am lazy and like to stretch the NS universe as much as I want-usually I like to add new stuff like new weapons
EDIT: Constilation history is crap compared to the other offical ns stories-forgot what they were called.
3. yes
4. Wow they ##### swear words now? Lame-it takes something away from the story
"Triple-I Station? In about two hours give or take, we keep it in high orbit around Alta. Your lucky that we keep a training center like this close by or else you might have had to wait a long ###### time before you actually got to a legitimate military station-this entire area has been barely noticed by anyone so the TSA keeps the military presence around here to a minimum" replied the burly man.
Gus looked out the transports side at the planet of Alta and sighed dramatically-it was much further now than before and a lot of detailed features on the surface were starting to blur and disappear with the distance. It already seemed like forever since he first step foot on its odd surface. He was already 22 and everything touted on earth about how exploring space was an adventure felt stupid already. When he was 18 he signed up with an interstellar mining corporation that promised the same things that everyone on Earth was exited about-an adventure in Outer space. Space however, was simply that, Space. And with the generally accepted idea that space is infinite there was usually nothing interesting to fill that space-what with all the space and all. As Gus leaned on a railing that protected people from being stupid and falling onto the shield wall he wondered if he could pull out anything truly magnificent in his lifetime with such an assload of space.
"Hey, unless you need something guy whose name I don't know, I'm going back to sleep." said Gus
"Huh" grunted the other man "Just make sure you wake your ###### up when we dock, I'm not going to bother waking you up if your going to act like a jackass. Besides, for the next however many years it takes you to get shot to death or blown to bits, the reserves are going to own your ######."
Gus turned around from the side with his shoulders lazily slumped and started to make his way back to the corner of the small transport. "Hey" he said over his shoulder "I guess I'm sorry about that. Whats your name?"
The large man looked up from the data pad on his arm grunted and said “names Alexander C. shutthehellup. You, however can call me Cole" and then looked back down on his data pad, typing in more letters on the touch screen.
Gus didn't really care about the fact that he had annoyed someone friendly enough when he first met him, or the fact that Cole could probably snap the arm out of his socket and beat him in the face with it, he felt tired from his lifestyle and a little sick with his forced introduction into Space military forces. What he really felt like doing was sleeping again, in sleep he had nothing to worry about or feel tired. As he fell back into his corner he closed his eyes and let the sleep wash over once again while picturing Alta's surface.
*SMACK*
"OH WHAT THE HELL" yelled Gus, holding a hand to his face, feeling wet on his hand as some blood was trickling down from his hand to his forearm. Gus was already on his feet, tense and trying to glare about like some sort of confused, injured animal.
"At least he reacts like a fighter" said someone; Gus, quickly glancing at him identified him as someone somewhat in charge because of his uniform. Behind him there was an airlock covering the space where the side shield had been.
"Ya but he looks like a pain in the ######, and he probably only has mining skills to boot" said Cole, almost rooted to the same spot in the transport as before
"Well.." began the officer
"SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR??" yelled Gus angrily, looking for the object that struck him-a helmet that had rolled awkwardly away 3 feet from him.
"Shut up ######, it's like I said before-the marines own your ######" grunted Cole.
The officer sighed again covering his hand on his face, then swept his arm around and pointed it at Gus. "You, pick up that helmet and come with me, we are already behind schedule and I don't want to get into trouble because a new recruit moved too slowly."
Gus looked at the helmet on the ground, it seemed sturdy enough, he figured that it probably wasn't sturdy enough to stop bullets though. He smiled and then thought of something else, he could have some fun later with the computer interface that linked into the helmet.
"Hey seriously, I don't need to get any grief for being behind schedule, hurry up" said the officer
"Roger that Siiirrrr" Gus said with a grin. The officer grimaced and started to walk through the airlock. Gus picked up his helmet and followed, Cole followed behind him as well.
As they continued down through the airlock the officer began to explain Triple-I to him, Gus didn't pick up on much however because he was wondering if there were any female base employees or reserves, as it had only been about 3 years since the Altanian central government authorized women to serve in the military.
"Basically", the officer the droned on, "the station itself is three large I bases that have been integrated into each other, making the connection shape of a triangle. The ledges of the I........serves as a major......commander feni.....in addition to the I's being attached side by side there is also a large top on the three that has three essential layers, the first one being basically large brief and debrief rooms, pathways to the other I's and extra-storage space, the second being operations.......and the third being communications"
Gus's attention faded in and out as not only did the officer talk about normal important base operations, but he talked about history and things no-one would be interested in. The walk seemed to go on forever as they had docked at the bottom of the Engineering and Research wing I and they needed to take a few elevators and routes to get to the Main Marine operations and housing I. After what seemed like a while they finally reached a metal sliding door that had the worn letters "15" on the door.
"Anyways this is the squad you have been assigned to, squadron 15" the officer said as he was reading his personal data pad. "This is where I take off, I'll leave him in your hands Sergeant Cole...try not to crush him", and with that the officer trotted off, obviously happy that he was able to check off another task on his data pad.
"Your gear's inside on top of your bunk, move your ######" stated Sergeant Cole sharply.
"Yes sir" replied Gus. "I hope this works out" he thought to himself.
This forum is as you know for constructive criticism.
So here is what's positive:
. . .
-end
Here is what I think of the story so far.
- Gif Less swearing.
- I found myself skipping some lines when the dialogs became too boring, you should spice them a bit up...
- If this is a intro. then i would have stopped reading some time ago
- in your first post you said that this was the Altanian something army, Now however its the TSA?
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In a story there is something called a Line of tension. A typical line of this should look like this
<img src="http://img186.imageshack.us/img186/8792/utennavnvj2.png" border="0" alt="IPB Image" />
Your storyline looks like this so far
<img src="http://img255.imageshack.us/img255/3728/utennavn3vz3.png" border="0" alt="IPB Image" />
In other words. You should try to spice up the intro some. add some tension. What is happening? Who are they up against?
You should have started it with a peek to what is going to happen to keep the reader interested.