NS2 attention grabber story
halon
Join Date: 2007-08-04 Member: 61781Members
Join Date: 2007-08-04 Member: 61781Members
<div class="IPBDescription">A suggestion</div>Hi NS fans,
I'm an enthusiastic writer who doesn't really get the time to write anything, really. I enjoy the act, but writing a book "for fun" is too much of a daunting task...
I've played NS from the first release and I think it's a fantastic game. I can't wait for what Flayra and his team has in store for NS2. I've written a little story that might get somebody fired up to get NS2 when it comes out. Of course, this is only a suggestion. Feel free to offer any changes you think might be good!
[Edit: please see posts below for reviewed version of story. - h]
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It looks all too familiar: the roots of evil hanging overhead, the mossy floor moaning under every footstep of your boot. The walls have eyes, the roof has ears and you dare not make a wrong move. Suddenly you hear a tap in the distance. You stop to listen. As quietly as you can you throw your back against the nearest wall.
You've rehearsed this so many times over. Time after time your fellow troops tell you the same thing over and over again. You've grown to ignore the shivers it sends down your spine, the bitter taste it brings to your mouth. "They know. They know we're here."
You exhale slowly, tightening the grip on your weapon as your leather gloves slide into position on the trigger. You know the difference between life and death can be as simple as looking in a different direction for a split second. The sudden silence and absence of distant cries makes you slowly look around you in all directions. You hear another tap, this time closer, more sinister. You know it won't be much longer before either you are dead, or whatever it is, is dead. You look straight ahead, as a harrowing shriek heading straight for you curls around the corner with thunderous speed. Without hesitation you swing your weapon around and open fire cutting straight into the beast like a chainsaw, ripping it to pieces. It falls to the ground without making a sound.
You stand motionless and without expression as the shock hits home. You hear a faint clatter get louder and louder from behind. You realise you have made the mistake of standing your ground near a fallen Kharaa. The alien mind knows, you think to yourself. The noise behind you suddenly becomes clear, in your weakened state the alien rips the gun from your hands, throwing it over the edge of the observation deck with itself. You strike the ground hard, scrambling for your sidearm as the lighting fast alien makes its way back up to you. You rip the gun out of its holster, taking the safety straps with it. The alien bolts out from beneath and locks it's hideous eyes on you. You pull the trigger, one after the other, again and again. The beast wails as it's hit by one, two, three of your bullets, to your horror, you hear the sound of death: click, click. But the alien doesn't stop. It shoots back into the air heading straight for you. Automatically your left arm shields your neck and head, your right hand gripping the cold steel strapped to your leg, just as the beast sinks it's teeth into your armour, piercing your skin and flesh. Your right hand wips out from the sheath your last chance and thrusts it into the alien. Suddenly the beast relieves it's grip in your arm, sliding onto the cold floor, gently without a sound.
It's not over.
Yet.
I'm an enthusiastic writer who doesn't really get the time to write anything, really. I enjoy the act, but writing a book "for fun" is too much of a daunting task...
I've played NS from the first release and I think it's a fantastic game. I can't wait for what Flayra and his team has in store for NS2. I've written a little story that might get somebody fired up to get NS2 when it comes out. Of course, this is only a suggestion. Feel free to offer any changes you think might be good!
[Edit: please see posts below for reviewed version of story. - h]
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It looks all too familiar: the roots of evil hanging overhead, the mossy floor moaning under every footstep of your boot. The walls have eyes, the roof has ears and you dare not make a wrong move. Suddenly you hear a tap in the distance. You stop to listen. As quietly as you can you throw your back against the nearest wall.
You've rehearsed this so many times over. Time after time your fellow troops tell you the same thing over and over again. You've grown to ignore the shivers it sends down your spine, the bitter taste it brings to your mouth. "They know. They know we're here."
You exhale slowly, tightening the grip on your weapon as your leather gloves slide into position on the trigger. You know the difference between life and death can be as simple as looking in a different direction for a split second. The sudden silence and absence of distant cries makes you slowly look around you in all directions. You hear another tap, this time closer, more sinister. You know it won't be much longer before either you are dead, or whatever it is, is dead. You look straight ahead, as a harrowing shriek heading straight for you curls around the corner with thunderous speed. Without hesitation you swing your weapon around and open fire cutting straight into the beast like a chainsaw, ripping it to pieces. It falls to the ground without making a sound.
You stand motionless and without expression as the shock hits home. You hear a faint clatter get louder and louder from behind. You realise you have made the mistake of standing your ground near a fallen Kharaa. The alien mind knows, you think to yourself. The noise behind you suddenly becomes clear, in your weakened state the alien rips the gun from your hands, throwing it over the edge of the observation deck with itself. You strike the ground hard, scrambling for your sidearm as the lighting fast alien makes its way back up to you. You rip the gun out of its holster, taking the safety straps with it. The alien bolts out from beneath and locks it's hideous eyes on you. You pull the trigger, one after the other, again and again. The beast wails as it's hit by one, two, three of your bullets, to your horror, you hear the sound of death: click, click. But the alien doesn't stop. It shoots back into the air heading straight for you. Automatically your left arm shields your neck and head, your right hand gripping the cold steel strapped to your leg, just as the beast sinks it's teeth into your armour, piercing your skin and flesh. Your right hand wips out from the sheath your last chance and thrusts it into the alien. Suddenly the beast relieves it's grip in your arm, sliding onto the cold floor, gently without a sound.
It's not over.
Yet.
Comments
You've rehearsed this many times. Time after time, your comrades have told you the same thing over and over. You've grown to ignore the shivers it sends down your spine, and the bitter taste it brings to your mouth. "They know. They know we're here."
Exhaling slowly, you tighten the grip on your weapon as your leather gloves slide into position on the trigger. The difference between life and death can be as simple as looking in a different direction for a split second. The sudden silence and absence of distant cries increases the sense of paranoia. You hear another tap, this time closer, more sinister. You <i>know</i> it won't be much longer before either you are dead, or it, is dead. You stare ahead as a harrowing shriek curls around the corner and heads straight for <b>you</b> with inhuman speed. Without hesitation, you swing your weapon around and open fire, ripping it to pieces. It falls to the ground without making a sound.
You stand motionless and expressionless as shock hits it's home. You begin to hear a faint clatter become louder and louder from behind. You realize you have made the mistake of standing your ground near a fallen Kharaa. The alien mind <i>knows</i>. The noise behind you suddenly becomes clear: in your weakened state the alien rips the gun from your hands, throwing it over the edge of the observation deck with itself. You strike the ground hard, and scramble for your sidearm as the lighting fast alien makes its way back up to you. You rip the gun out of its holster, taking the safety straps with it. The alien bolts out from beneath and locks it's hideous eyes on you. You pull the trigger, one after the other, again and again. The beast wails as it's hit by one, two, three of your bullets. But, the sound of death: <b>Click. Click.</b> The alien does not stop. It shoots back into the air, heading straight for you. Reflex has your left arm shield your neck and head, your right hand gripping the cold steel strapped to your leg.
The beast sinks it's teeth into your armor, piercing your skin and flesh, preparing to serrate muscle and bone. Your right hand whips out from the sheath: your last chance. A single thrust into the alien. The beast relieves it's grip in your arm, sliding onto the cold floor, gently without a sound.
It's not over.
Yet.
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I've edited it some.
The atmosphere is good, but very heavy on description with no 'movement' to the story. As I mentioned above, perhaps make it longer and make it <i>move</i>.
<!--quoteo--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->You know it won't be much longer before either you are dead, or whatever it is, is dead.
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You know it won't be much longer before either you, or it, is dead.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
It's not over.
Yet.
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FINISH THE FIGHT
<a href="http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/index.php?s=6239350759655899136&showforum=6" target="_blank">http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/index....amp;showforum=6</a>
I agree with MasterPTG - there isn't any movement to the story, so I've added a motive for being there in the first place, as well as some progression of scene. I also like the idea of humanizing it and turning it into an 'operation' of sorts. Heyman - thanks for your changes, I've taken note of them, and Kassinger: thanks for the change, I think it helps a lot.
As you'll see below it's become rather long, but hopefully if it has enough action in it, the readers won't lose interest.
PS. I was thinking of hera when writing a bit of this <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile-fix.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":)" border="0" alt="smile-fix.gif" />
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It seems all too familiar: the roots of evil hanging overhead, strange noises echoing in the distance as the alien horde gathers its strength in hiding. The walls have eyes, the roof has ears, and you dare not make the wrong move. Audacity is the quickest way to die.
In the distance you suddenly hear the clatter of metal. You stop to listen. You’ve rehearsed this moment so many times. Time after time, some of your naïve comrades have told you the same thing over and over. You’ve grown to ignore the shivers it sends down your spine, and the bitter taste it brings to your mouth: “They know. They know we’re here.”
Exhaling slowly, you tighten the grip on your weapon as your leather gloves slide into position on the trigger. Simply looking in a different direction for a split second can mean the difference between life or death. Despite years of training, the sudden silence and absence of distant cries fuels your greatest enemies: paranoia and sheer terror.
After witnessing the brutal slaying of a close friend and fellow soldier, your incomprehensible sense of rage thirst for blood – alien blood – has driven you to leave the outpost to single-handedly kill, or be killed by the alien war-machine. To die honorably, or to be killed honorably.
You hear another few taps near by. Reminded of your fallen companion, you gain strength and move closer towards the control room above reception. From there, you can access the ship computer, which will allow access over the heavy hydraulic containment door leading to the cargo bays to stop the alien horde until heavy reinforcements arrive in the docking bays opposite.
Ever so quietly, you take every step as it comes. Suddenly the air vent against the roof on the right is sliced into pieces. Instinctively you instantly turn your machine gun to the vent expecting a hideous creature to protrude and attack any moment. Nothing happens. Breathing heavier, you scan your environment looking to your left you find yourself staring ahead as a harrowing shriek curls around the corner and heads straight for you with inhuman speed. Without hesitation, you swing your weapon around and open fire, ripping it to pieces.
You stand motionless and expressionless as the shock hits you like an iron beam. You begin to hear a faint clatter become louder and louder from behind. You realize you’ve made the mistake of standing your ground near a fallen Kharaa. The alien minds knows. The noise behind you suddenly becomes clear: in your weakened state the alien rips the gun from your hands, throwing it over the edge of the observation deck with itself. You strike the ground hard, and scramble for your sidearm as the lighting fast alien makes its way back up to you. You rip the gun out of its holster, taking the safety straps with it. The alien bolts out from beneath and locks it's hideous eyes on you. You pull the trigger, one after the other, again and again. The beast wails as it's hit by one, two, three of your bullets. But, the sound of death: Click. Click. The alien does not stop. It shoots back into the air, heading straight for you. Reflex has your left arm shield your neck and head, your right hand gripping the cold steel strapped to your leg.
The beast sinks its teeth into your armor, piercing your skin and flesh, and braces itself to serrate muscle and bone. Your right hand whips out from the sheath. Your last chance. A single thrust into the alien delivers a fatal wound. It relaxes the ever increasingly tightened grip on your arm. In agony you pull out the razor sharp teeth from your arm as the beast slides gently onto the cold floor without making a sound.
The overwhelming sense of retribution eases your anger.
But it’s not over.
Yet.
Any comments? Want more <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tounge.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":p" border="0" alt="tounge.gif" />?
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<i>Life on this ore ship seems to die. My comrades are all dead and I’m sitting in a vent only a few feet away as they ravage my base.
The ship is airtight with zero breeches so I don’t know how they boarded, but once they did, the original crew almost instantly died. We found their remains—or at least their blood—on the control deck.
We, the Trans-System Authority, have been eliminating infestations of these Kharaa since before I was in the service. And now I can hear them ripping apart our base.
We almost had ‘em too. They were down to almost nothing when these Kharaa hit our base with Oni. I ducked into the vent and welded it shut while I heard my teammates screaming obscenities at me. Soon the oni were dead, but my teammates were too. I heard the Kharaa skulks finishing off my base, when my best friend Dulock—a short fellow with a great nickname—jumped from a vent high above the Kharaa screaming, “Diiieeeee.”
I heard the High Mechanized Gun rattle off slugs made for creatures much larger than the skulks. I heard the dings, the misses and a few impacts that made me want to jump out of the vent and kill them all too. I also heard the crumpling crunch as his lower limbs impacted the floor thirty feet below EmVent2. I heard a last scream of “Help me Thomas, help me” before I heard something else snap. At that point every single alien chuckled and I felt so alone, so bad. I deserted my comrades and if only I had been there with them, maybe we could have fought them off and survived—or maybe at least saved the ship.
My god, they killed everyone.
Everyone except me, and now I’m waiting and going to wait here until they go away—searching every part of the ship, and hopefully skipping the vent that I welded shut.
I need to bring revenge to these Kharaa, and see if I can do the impossible—construct a new base so I can push in reinforcements, otherwise this ship is lost and we’ll have to demo it like we’ve had to do with so many others. I’m not sure if we—the TSA—can hold out if we have to destroy our mining bases and ships, and give up entire planets to their swarms. We have to turn the tide.</i>
Thomas stopped typing on his touch pad console and listened through his bionic ear. Nothing.
He started crawling through the vent, first a left then a right. In front of him lay his weld on the piece of garbage metal blocking the vent. Good thing the aliens didn’t see the imperfect edges, as he was sure that one of them would have wondered a big WTF. He listened once more for what seemed like minutes and as he was sure that nothing was on the other side, he popped the blowtorch lever and started.
Half-blinded, half dehydrated, he climbed out of the vent and rushed to the console by the wall. The tough, slick nanite base was utterly destroyed—even the almost invincible command chair. He spent the next few seconds accessing the routines and programs still in play, still alive.
He smiled as the nanites appeared to be constructing a command chair, just like he had requested. He walked over to it in a flash and laid his hand over them, as all constructions need a human hand to prevent certain…risks. The nanites happily danced and fused, hopped and sprayed—a truly beautiful sight.
As he was mesmerized by the magic of it all, he forgot the things of his life. Mundane chores, orders and responsibilities fell away, and only the sparkling magic of creating something from nothing—or perhaps very complex, intelligent machines—remained. All is in the eye of the beholder and this magic at this stage and point of his life made him forget.
A tear fell and he brushed it off with his hand, just before something wet and sticky punctured his neck.
“Deng!” he shouted with an echo that roared through the ship. Deng was a slang term for anything Kharaa. His anger slapped his hand back onto the command chair and made it emit those wonderful sparks and colors once more.
Only a few seconds more, then the observatory, then I can beacon an entire squad down here to try to recover, he thought. Try to eliminate and recover.
The command chair finished and he hopped into its snug comfort, and deftly slapped the beginnings of an observatory—a structure meant to guide, signal and alert. He hopped out and looked across the hall at the alien staring at him. Three more wet, sticky projectiles hit him and every time he screamed back at this pest “Deng!” The alien chuckled at him as he put his hand down to build the observatory.
He was sweating, now realizing how close he might come to either rescuing the ship or dooming it and over five years work from four different countries. My god, how these Kharaa could make a mess of things, he thought.
He was bleeding now from seven inlets through his thin armor. His teammates might have cursed his name for being a coward—being the last man standing somehow alive. But he had thought more than just a few steps ahead and he hoped that his comrades would have forgiven him, for now the observatory was finished.
Additional chuckles rose from the den of silence across that hall as he now looked up. He should have heard them! They were there. They were right in front of him, and now he couldn’t even move as an assault of parasites started hitting him. He moved closer to command chair, and as he slid in, he screamed, “Deng Down, you mothers from hell.”
The skulks ran toward the observatory to rip it apart, but then a clear wail sounded—one that the skulks knew well. Their hives had all been destroyed and more than one hive by the sudden reinforcements brought by this mysterious machine. But now Kharaa were still getting small amounts of resources through their remaining tower and soon would create a new hive and another and another. But now, while they were all gathered in triumph in the TSA’s boarding dock of the ore cargo ship Trafalgar, they knew their fate of death for it was hurtling through space right at them, right this second from a TSA combat ship Hammer.
What went through their minds might have been something along the lines of sadness, but all Thomas heard from his comfortable chair was a small alien whine chorusing over and over until the bullets came and silenced everything.
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Yes the story is mine and I typed it just now <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tounge.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":p" border="0" alt="tounge.gif" />. lol Max, be careful what you wish for :x, as it may come true.
MasterPTG's story reads better than mine to his credit, but would it still be suitable for something like a manual intro? What I had in mind was a very open-ended, non specific short story with as much action as possible, without being specific about the types of weapons used, structures etc, so as not to need change every time a release is made - sort of highlighting the general idea of NS. I guess my mentioning of 'machine gun' was already a bit much.
I'll start again from scratch now that I've got a bit more practice in... I won't scrape any ideas/somesuch out of your story MasterPTG, just in case you'd rather reserve copyright because it's such a good story <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile-fix.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":)" border="0" alt="smile-fix.gif" />
I just had an idea: would it bring any more depth to maps if they each came with a type of mission outline, ie "situation: ..." "analysis: ..." (and maybe some tips worked into it) in the manual?
FINISH THE FIGHT
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hahaha
Less is more.
Have to say I like the version in the first post better.
Less is more.
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I second that!
As I read the first story, I couldn't help but see it as an animated intro movie. The images of a Starcraft cinematic (the one when the marines bring a nuke in the infested science vessel): No talk, we only hear the footsteps, we can feel the tension in the air. And then the Zergs come... You see every marine trying their best to kick the crap out of them, but they simply don't fall... and if you don't know how it ends, go play the game <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink-fix.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=";)" border="0" alt="wink-fix.gif" />
MasterPTG's story is great too, but the way I see it, I think halon aimed for a short, condensed story which serves as an intro to the NS universe. He said in his first post : <i>I've written a little story that might get somebody fired up to get NS2 when it comes out.</i> I think the reader who never played NS doesn't need to have much information about the actual universe, so I find it great that halon's original story isn't filled with lots of background information and such. Think of different game trailers you've seen. They're mostly short, with some slow and fast-paced scenes, but you don't always learn much about the story's setting. Oh, and of course, those catchy sentences exactly like "It's not over... yet" <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin-fix.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":D" border="0" alt="biggrin-fix.gif" />
So yeah, I like the first version. Kudos to you two for having written awesome stuff there <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile-fix.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":)" border="0" alt="smile-fix.gif" /> If I was some sort of animation guru, I'd so make a 3D clip out of this story! But since it's not the case I'll stick with music making ^^
would it still be suitable for something like a manual intro? <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
It certainly would if I understand your meaning of 'manual intro' properly (ie, it certainly wouldn't show anyone how to play the game lol, but rather the purpose of it would be to provoke excitement for the game and hopefully boost sales). One could certainly change the ending or any piece or pieces of the story to make it work.
My main point and purpose for writing it was A) if it's a cinematic, it needs to move or tell a bit more complete story or B) even if it's just a story (which is exceptionally boring <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tounge.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":p" border="0" alt="tounge.gif" />), try to make the story move, grow and end (or just have it in installments, but one does need to put an end to most cinematic and written pieces if for no other reason than that the audience or reader expects it [therefore, open-ended is kinda bad unless done/setup very very well :x]).
My story was not written for any single purpose except to try to convey to Halon that perhaps his story should move rather than concentrate on the deep inner feelings of a marine that will soon die or live. There is no context, and why should I care about this poor snook whoz about to get ripped apart? I don't b/c all I know is that he's scared to death and he's standing still doing nothing. Camping gets you killed, moving means life--much the same for a cinematic.
I took a very extreme approach to my story to show Halon something very simple: perhaps move the story or character along instead of spending so, so much detail on the inner thoughts. It won't be shown on a cinematic nor is it the most effective or efficient means of communicating information to the reader. You can tell the reader that his hands are clammy or sweaty, and that his facial muscles are involuntarily twitching because he's been straining for too long, too hard to listen and watch for signs of Kharaa. You can tell them that a tear is flowing down his face or that his hands are shaking or that his eyes are bloodshot or that his face is pale or that his jaw is quivering or that he just pee'd in his pants. etc etc. In my story, I mentioned a whole lot of #$%#--quite literally--because I thought it might give a few ideas to the developers (such as a different HMG, different reason why people have to be present for the nanites to build, a different way in which vents are welded shut, an additional way to drop another CC, etc). I did not include those b/c I thought it'd be uber for a story or because I would want all those detailed in a cinematic, but one could certainly edit my story down to be about a 3-4 minute cinematic with a lot more gameplay shown.
Guy in vent types in keypad...audience sees what he types and maybe Dulock jumping out fo the vent and dying a crumply death. Guy stops typing in keypad and starts crawling through the vent...audiences watches guy in vent. Guy torches through weld and accesses wall console starting a nanite CC construction...audience witnesses. Guy builds CC while getting parasited and chuckled at...audience witnesses. Guy hops into CC, drops obs...builds obs, hops in while skulks are running toward him, beacons and he hears lots of gunfire........audience watches and listens. Very simple. Halon's cinematic would be maybe 30 seconds. Mine would be 3-4 minutes. Both have very very different styles and they're very hard to compare. The only thing significant that is different, is that my story has an entire ship/one marine's life at risk, while Halon's has a single marine @ risk. My story has a quest, and Halon's has survival.
I think a cinematic, though, would be the preferable medium choice for an attention grabber story (unless you left it as a story, and that'd just ...be boring. One would hope that the developers could make a mini-story within the confines of NS:S itself and show it off either as a series of videos like Red vs Blue or just as one short cinematic piece.
Fortress Forever (an independent source mod for TFC) has done a number of attention grabbing videos, and probably the one covering Dustbowl (one of TFC's most popular maps due to it's linear, simplistic nature) is the best. I would highly recommend it to anyone. It's not really fancy or terrifically cinematic, but it gives you a taste of the game while in a heavily stylistic slant. You can see the uber-high-res version of it here: <a href="http://xenon.thecatacombs.net/FortressForever-Dustbowl-1024x768.avi" target="_blank">http://xenon.thecatacombs.net/FortressFore...wl-1024x768.avi</a>
In a shortstory you usually try to convey the feeling and athmosphere of a certain situation, and how a certain individual percieves it. Story advancement is optional.
Poems also sort of tie into my theory of how artists are able to pull off massive scams on people by selling them a painting that is simply black, for a few grand (yes, I did see this happen). The theory is, you stick the brush in the paint, make as much of a mess on the canvas as you can, then sell it as if it has a deeper meaning, which happens to be something that nobody can prove or disprove.
Anyway, I looked to the TS intro for inspiration - that story is almost half the length of mine, and yet has a lot of liveliness in it. I don't think every story has to have a plot. I figured it would be okay to sort of 'truncate' if you will the most exciting part of the greater story, so that it could bring some feeling of excitement over the reader and, since it's 'truncated', it'll be open-ended and you'd want to find out more... hence, download NS!