[e\n] Life pretty much sucks

esunaesuna Rock Bottom Join Date: 2003-04-03 Member: 15175Members, Constellation
<div class="IPBDescription">well, it does</div>I figure what the hell, my life is such an abhorrent mess, i might as well let it infect the internet too, rather than it just festering on my personal blog, myspace, facebook, deadjournal, livejournal, second life community boards and gaea accounts where my superficial friends and ######s i know can appreciate / condone it, or just ignore it, which they prefer to do.

I've always kept myself to myself really, at least who i really am. I'm a cheat and a liar, and as far as the net goes, a massive troll. I've trolled these forums for years, intentionally and unintentionally, so i figure i should set the record straight.

Firstly, i'm not a guy, never have been. My name isn't "Richard," never was, Richard is the name my parents would've called me if i were born male. I'm mostly known as Vicki, but Victoria is my actual name.
<img src="http://creativeblank.com/i/webcam.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
The guy i've been posting pictures of is my friend Tony, someone i've known since school. I saw him so often that getting him to take pictures of himself was pretty easy.

The whole idea behind using Tony's pictures as myself was to save the hassle of being a girl on the internet. As soon as people realise you're a girl gamer, everyone just goes ape###### over you. I don't want the attention, i don't want the lecherous kids going after me, which is a common threat being a girl gamer, we're not a rare breed, we're not diamonds in the rough, we're just normal people, and having some horny, spotty little nerd drooling over you is a massive annoyance.

So why am i coming out with this all now? I'm bored of it. I'm bored of the lies and i'm bored with the facade. I'm still the same uncouth jerk i always have been, nothing's changed, i just don't want to have to keep on lying and keep up the whole act.


My life hasn't been going well. Up until very recently, i've been sleeping on the streets. I split up with my girlfriend (OH MY! HOMOSEXUALITY!) and ended up where i ended up. I'd spend time at the library on the internet and then spend my nights outside the library in the park. I had a drinking problem, i met a lot of cool people who were on the streets with me too, i've a ton of stories about them, but that's not what i'm posting about. They were nice people, some slightly lecherous, but on the whole they understand what it's like to have your life go down the pan and were generally supportive. Well, they let me share on the special brew, which is good enough.

Since i'd taken to drinking every day, i turned to drugs too to blot out the horror that my life had generally become. I was taking a lot of cocaine and whatever else i could get my hands on. This didn't come cheap. I'd lost my sales job, i'd lost my home, i'd lost all my posessions, i needed a source of income. No, i didn't become a ######, i at least retained my dignity. I took to stealing what i could when i could. Being in Brighton, it's full of great shops, but great shops with pretty shoddy security. Stealing a decent pair of shoes, some food, clothing, was alll pretty easy. Sure i couldn't get full price for them, but i could at least get a tenner for a pair of quality leather shoes, and that was a tenner easily made that went straight up my nose.

When i got over my moral objections and realised how easy it was to just take what i liked and get away with it, it became all too common. I spent more and more of the day absolutely off my rocker. I didn't have to beg for cigarette or beer money, i could just take it. Despite how wrong it actually was, at least i was earning my own living rather than sponging off of passers by.

This was all up until recently. A few weeks back i met up with an awesome girl. She's from South Africa, her name's Maggi, and she took me in to her home, fed me, gave me a sofa to sleep on and company during the day. She got me back on the internet (she has a laptop leeching a net connection from next door) and she brought a little happiness into my life. There's about 5 of us living in this apartment, it's not as cramped as it sounds, there's a enough space for us all to sleep, sit around, have fun, whatever.

I owe her my life. I've not touched drugs in about 2 weeks now, i've not been drinking nearly as much as i had done before (maybe one or two drinks a day now) and i can finally sleep with a roof over my head, not scared that i'd be assaulted or raped while i'm asleep.

My life was an abhorrent mess, but things are looking up. There's a silver lining to every cloud.
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Comments

  • TyrainTyrain Join Date: 2003-01-03 Member: 11746Members
    Nice to know that you're well. And yes, life sucks.
  • DrfuzzyDrfuzzy FEW... MORE.... INCHES... Join Date: 2003-09-21 Member: 21094Members
    .....woah so much at once...
  • sherpasherpa stopcommandermode Join Date: 2006-11-04 Member: 58338Members
    opening up over the internet to anonymous people is brave and/or stupid

    life isn't too bad but:

    <span style='color:#000000;background:#000000'>everybody dies</span>
  • SpoogeSpooge Thunderbolt missile in your cheerios Join Date: 2002-01-25 Member: 67Members
    Having gone through a somewhat similar experience many years ago, I wish you luck and hope that you are able to recognize any and all opportunities that become available to you.
  • CrisqoCrisqo Join Date: 2002-12-30 Member: 11625Members
    I don't believe a word you just posted.
  • JimmehJimmeh Join Date: 2003-08-24 Member: 20173Members, Constellation
  • TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu Anememone Join Date: 2002-03-23 Member: 345Members
    <!--quoteo(post=1651228:date=Sep 22 2007, 12:07 PM:name=Crisqo)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Crisqo @ Sep 22 2007, 12:07 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=1651228"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->I don't believe a word you just posted.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    QFT. Which, considering everything, is not an entirely large departure from business as usual around here.
  • TorgoTorgo Join Date: 2002-12-30 Member: 11626Members
    <!--quoteo(post=1651228:date=Sep 22 2007, 12:07 PM:name=Crisqo)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Crisqo @ Sep 22 2007, 12:07 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=1651228"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->I don't believe a word you just posted.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    I also do not believe a word you just posted, however I understand why you might post something like this because if <b>I</b> looked like this....

    <img src="http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/uploads//post-10-1054498700.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />

    ...then I would want to pretend I was an attractive female as well.

    On a side note, I hate these forums.
  • esunaesuna Rock Bottom Join Date: 2003-04-03 Member: 15175Members, Constellation
    <!--quoteo(post=1651228:date=Sep 22 2007, 06:07 PM:name=Crisqo)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Crisqo @ Sep 22 2007, 06:07 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=1651228"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->I don't believe a word you just posted.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
    I'm not posting for your approval or acceptance, believe what you want.
  • AbraAbra Would you kindly Join Date: 2003-08-17 Member: 19870Members
    Wow.

    But how is being a girl gamer hard? I can only picture it as an annoyance if you actually draw attention to your gender. I have never had to tell anyone online if I am a boy or a girl.
  • ZaggyZaggy NullPointerException The Netherlands Join Date: 2003-12-10 Member: 24214Forum Moderators, NS2 Playtester, Reinforced - Onos, Subnautica Playtester
    <!--quoteo(post=1651229:date=Sep 22 2007, 01:09 PM:name=Jimmeh)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Jimmeh @ Sep 22 2007, 01:09 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=1651229"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->Wait, what?<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
  • ThaldarinThaldarin Alonzi&#33; Join Date: 2003-07-15 Member: 18173Members, Constellation
    <!--quoteo(post=1651217:date=Sep 22 2007, 05:47 PM:name=esuna)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(esuna @ Sep 22 2007, 05:47 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=1651217"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->I'm a cheat and a liar, and as far as the net goes, a massive troll. I've trolled these forums for years, intentionally...<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    This thread proves that.
  • PulsePulse To create, to create and escape. Join Date: 2002-08-29 Member: 1248Members, Constellation
    A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ WOULD READ FROM AGAIN
  • CoolCookieCooksCoolCookieCooks Pretty Girl Join Date: 2003-05-18 Member: 16446Members, NS1 Playtester, Contributor, Constellation
    Well that was totally unexpected...


    I guess your custom title was suitable to you for your last few months, glad to see youre getting back on track.


    As the word goes, gender is optional on the internet.
  • moultanomoultano Creator of ns_shiva. Join Date: 2002-12-14 Member: 10806Members, NS1 Playtester, Contributor, Constellation, NS2 Playtester, Squad Five Blue, Reinforced - Shadow, WC 2013 - Gold, NS2 Community Developer, Pistachionauts
    You always did seem pretty effeminate to me, as much as someone can seem that way over a message board. Glad to hear things are looking up for you. One of my best friends went homeless a few years back. From his experience, I'd advise you to quickly get a ###### job and get some forward momentum going. Best of luck.
  • XythXyth Avatar Join Date: 2003-11-04 Member: 22312Members
    edited September 2007
    NUH UH


    ITT: Needs more photographic evidence. Date time or something in photo of 'you', this is far too unbelievable.
  • esunaesuna Rock Bottom Join Date: 2003-04-03 Member: 15175Members, Constellation
    <!--quoteo(post=1651248:date=Sep 22 2007, 06:59 PM:name=Xyth)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Xyth @ Sep 22 2007, 06:59 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=1651248"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->NUH UH
    ITT: Needs more photographic evidence. Date time or something in photo of 'you', this is far too unbelievable.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
    <img src="http://creativeblank.com/i/webcam2.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
  • TyrainTyrain Join Date: 2003-01-03 Member: 11746Members
    <!--quoteo(post=1651255:date=Sep 22 2007, 08:21 PM:name=esuna)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(esuna @ Sep 22 2007, 08:21 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=1651255"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><img src="http://creativeblank.com/i/webcam2.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" /><!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    That is kind of convincing.
  • LonyoLonyo Join Date: 2006-11-02 Member: 58201Members
    <!--quoteo(post=1651256:date=Sep 22 2007, 07:25 PM:name=Tyrain)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Tyrain @ Sep 22 2007, 07:25 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=1651256"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->That is kind of convincing.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
    That's what they want you to think!
  • SurgeSurge asda4a3sklflkgh Join Date: 2002-07-14 Member: 944Members
    I'm inclined to disbelieve. But personally, as an expert on internet psychology,
  • TestamentTestament Join Date: 2002-11-02 Member: 4037Members
    edited September 2007
    Ok really, grow up. --Comprox

    Deleted a second post by you. Lets keep stuff like that off the forums -- KFDM
  • XythXyth Avatar Join Date: 2003-11-04 Member: 22312Members
    UNPOSSIBLE


    ...MY MIND


    Or maybe that's just your girlfriend... must... remain skeptical.
  • CabooseCaboose title = name(self, handle) Join Date: 2003-02-15 Member: 13597Members, Constellation
    Oh, wow...

    Don't know what to say or think.
  • QuaunautQuaunaut The longest seven days in history... Join Date: 2003-03-21 Member: 14759Members, Constellation, Reinforced - Shadow
    You know, this kind of explains a lot. I remember back when I first came into this community in '03, how esuna used to be one of those forum members that was always cool, always had something to say and a good way of saying it, and I agreed with a lot of your abstract thought.

    Then in the past year or two its gone to the ######ter and I've really dreaded reading any of your posts- hence why I let this one go so long.

    Hopefully thats ended?
  • DiscoZombieDiscoZombie Join Date: 2003-08-05 Member: 18951Members
    If I take this at face value, damn, sounds like you've had a really tough time. you did a good job of appearing like a normal, amusing male troll, when you were really an unusual female troll in bad circumstances. gj turning your life around - just find a job and hold it down and hopefully everything will be OK?

    anyone, M or F, there's no sense hiding your identity online. some people are tools no matter what you claim to be. if you're a girl, it's OMG UR HOT LETS SEX, and if you're a guy, it's OMG UR A MORON GET BENT.
  • ZigZig ...I am Captain Planet&#33; Join Date: 2002-10-23 Member: 1576Members
    edited September 2007
    this is the most exciting thread in the o/t in some time. and unfortunately, that's not saying much.

    regardless of what's true or not, if things aren't goin well and you're doing your best to get back on track, best of luck to you.
  • LikuLiku I, am the Somberlain. Join Date: 2003-01-10 Member: 12128Members
    Although you trolled a lot, the community wasn't the same without you (And a ton of others) really. But man, what a way to come back... Going to stay?

    Before you know it DOOM's going to come forth and say he actually is the Marine from Doom.
  • XythXyth Avatar Join Date: 2003-11-04 Member: 22312Members
    <!--quoteo(post=1651283:date=Sep 22 2007, 04:28 PM:name=Liku)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Liku @ Sep 22 2007, 04:28 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=1651283"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->Before you know it DOOM's going to come forth and say he actually is the Marine from Doom.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    He... <i>he isn't</i>?

    Alright, I figured it out. Esuna: Take a picture of yourself and your roommate friend holding a sign with todays date on it. THEN I will believe it!
  • esunaesuna Rock Bottom Join Date: 2003-04-03 Member: 15175Members, Constellation
    <!--quoteo(post=1651284:date=Sep 22 2007, 09:34 PM:name=Xyth)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Xyth @ Sep 22 2007, 09:34 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=1651284"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->He... <i>he isn't</i>?

    Alright, I figured it out. Esuna: Take a picture of yourself and your roommate friend holding a sign with todays date on it. THEN I will believe it!<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
    I'll give it a shot, we're like ships in the night. She works during the day at some call centre and at a club at night, she should be off tomorrow.
  • TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu Anememone Join Date: 2002-03-23 Member: 345Members
    The easiest way to verify would be to get a picture on you and Tony together. Plus DNA samples of you both. And a cheek swab of relatives of both you and Tony. And heck, your roomate too. And 5 dollars, cash or money order, addressed to me.
This discussion has been closed.