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<div class="IPBDescription">And now, moment of poetic angst</div> <i>For three hours this eventide,
writhe I in paranoid toil
against an opponent I do not understand

The walls themselves vex me,
every bulwark and embankment a deadly trap
I stumble over my own feet
WTF? Is it my fault, or the walls?

frustration mounts; I continue to struggle
because I am too angry to cede

even as all my allies abandon me
and in their stead, others arrive
foul up my desperate machinations,
and abandon me again

I boil with a rage I should not know
not at my enemy, for I respect their advances
but rather I rage against circumstance

Skill and cunning are irrelevent
I am nothing by myself
And I am still less when others join my cause

Even when I do well and begin to feel hope
I curse my enemy; I curse my allies
I scream at anyone who will listen
words I do not mean for them to hear
I am really shouting at chance and affiliation
And at an inanimate universe that cannot hear me

I know I am being immature
I should not care; it's just a game
But this mantra cannot comfort me
I am too immature to check my emotions
I am too emotional to act with maturity

my rage feeds on itself,
and my body is tense
as my mind thrashes against inevitability

instinct forces me to keep trying
I have apparently conspired with the illusionists
to convince myself that my life is indeed in danger
it is a strugle for survival, and painful
it only feels like a game when I am winning.

weak spots open up in the unbreachable barricade
a minute passes without incident
then another
as I exploit the hole in my antagonist's scheme

still time passes, and he does nothing to stop me
whittling away at his teeth and gums
I begin to feel hope
could the hour of my breakthrough be at hand?

Then they finally appear
snatches this one small victory from my hands
and I curse my opponents for letting me feel hope.

finally, the end of the struggle draws nigh
I am alone again, as always
as the enemy knocks on my gate
There is banter between us
despite my whining and screaming earlier, they compliment me
for my persistence in the face of their assault

they are respectable men after all
I begin to wish that I were stronger inside
the kind of honorable opponent these men deserve
instead of complaining about my own misfortunes and deficiencies

frustration overwhelms me again as they begin their final push
Every tactic seems unfair; every move seems impossible to counter
despair and frustration overwhelms me
the end result of foolishly entering a mere game
in the spirit of actual competition

There are those who would say
that dogged determination is a virtue
that a resolute intrepidity is its own reward,
and that in a way, I have already won
even as the tanks roll in
and my last tower slowly crumbles

They who so expound are fools

such obstinacy is as a poison to my soul
My back aches with labor when I finally stop
even though I have been sitting still in a chair
I have never felt such stress
as when I finally escape this recreation
my opponents were merely playing with me
my allies all retired from the conflict with grace
only my stubborn self remained behind
suffered more than anyone should over such things
and exited the stage a broken man

My enemy did not break me
I broke myself
by choosing to care about what my enemy was doing to me

Would that I could master my passions and rages
And acquire the remarkable indifference
that makes a person truly undefeatable

Continuing to function despite adversity is not bravery
It is survival instinct; nothing more
It is a desperate, damaged, broken existance
And it leads always to defeat

Rather, to stare into the jaws
of death and defeat
and not be flustered
that is what I want the most

To be truly undefeatable
Because I believe every outcome, even total loss,
to be perfect
That is the sageness I wish to posess
To choose not again this pain I cause myself
And instead ot live every moment in a state of joy

Some say happiness is a choice
If that is true, then I hope I will soon begin to believe it
So that I can begin to choose something other
than what I continually seem to choose
when I believe hapiness depends upon other, outside things
most of which are beyond my control</i>