Unknown enemy: chapter 6

Rob

<div class="IPBDescription">The part i finale</div>This is it, the last Chapter in Part I.  I'm going to take a break now, since I can't go any futher without the alien backstory.  I'll probably get board and go back to write Wilcox's back story though...

Anyway, here's the link:<a href="http://members.fortunecity.com/rob6264/" target="_blank">http://members.fortunecity.com/rob6264/</a>

Whatcha think?

Greedo

***SPOILER***

Oh yeah, that's great stuff there.  That battle was intense.   I really want to know if <span style='color:black'>Wilcox and O'Neil pull through there, because it almost seems like they certainly won't.</span>  Write some more and don't take a break.  /me needs more story.

Edit:  and this whole color the spoilers black thing just doesn't seem to work on the grey background, now does it?



<!--EDIT|Spyder Monkey|Jan. 26 2002,22:31-->

Moleculor

I can't read the black on grey. I have to highlight it to read it.

Spyder_Monkey

Bah, I can read the text even if it's not highlighted. I just added some spoiler notifications on there, that should be good for now. <!--emo&:)--><img src="http://66.78.33.98/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'><!--endemo-->

Moleculor

You can read it? Wow. It must be my resolution or something. The text in this board is -tiny-.

Rob

Bah, why do you guys always use MY posts as chats?  Use one of Greedo's some time!  Jeeze!

MonsieurEvil

Awesome, awesome, AWESOME! What a sweet ending. I swear this thing would make a kick ### screenplay. I don't want to give anything away, but my mental picture of that big battle was pretty vivid from your descriptions. Excellent work again, Roberto.

Moleculor

Hold on Rob, and I'll go read -all- of your stories. I need to catch up anywho.

Spyder_Monkey

***SPOILER***



Very nicely done again, my dear rob. <span style='color:black'>I loved how you gave the humans a sort of "alien" hive mind with the VR Relays, very groovy.</span>

Lotis

Exellent man, you are very talented indeed.

Rob

Thanks, guys.  You have no idea how much those comments help.

Moleculor

**SPOILER**


Whoa. Just read 4, 5, and 6 all in one sitting. I <span style='color:black'>-seriously- thought that Zerik was a gonner for a second there. <!--emo&:)--><img src="http://66.78.33.98/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'><!--endemo--></span>



<!--EDIT|Moleculor|Jan. 26 2002,22:16-->

Slycaster

my god rob, write for a living, i swear, or screenwrite, make that into a movie someday! <!--emo&:)--><img src="http://66.78.33.98/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'><!--endemo-->

Dr_Death

Good chapter there, but WHY is the other squads allways getting killed ? (i'd hate to be the team in the engine room &#33<!--emo&;)--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=';)'><!--endemo--> There where some very intense battle scenes there, i loved 'em .Are the squads realy only 5 people ? I would emagine a squad would be 10 people. I feel sorry for the aliens (poor basterds) -but if you realy played NS- 1 marine vers 10 aliens (ratio in the battle)- you would be long dead. The squad seems invinsible (in the way that no one has died)-but atleast someone "other" than "sarge" got injured (poor old sarge&#39<!--emo&;)--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=';)'><!--endemo-->. Keep up the good work !   <!--emo&;)--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=';)'><!--endemo-->

Lotis

No they are just that good, no seriously they are that good. they could take on the whole mother load of aliens. Poor O'neil

Slycaster

::SPOILERS::

well, the first alien encounter really wasn't expected atal, and with the haywire turrets, thats why most of the other squad died, however, if you read, only liek 2 others from the other squad later died.   And injuries tend to happen alot for 'the aces' <!--emo&:)--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'><!--endemo-->

Rob

***Spoiler***


Well, for the most part, Zerik and his squad are always just lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time.  But, I guess they are a little unbelievable...

Comprox

hey, in a story you gotta have some main character to follow, not ones who die every 3rd chapter, eh? <!--emo&:D--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':D'><!--endemo-->
Great writing as usual, I just sat back and read it at 2am in the dark which was NOT a good idea. Nightmares for me tonight about <span style='color:black'>neck chunks being ripped out by flying aliens</span>. <!--emo&:D--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':D'><!--endemo-->

Spyder_Monkey

Comp, that post brought back those mental images all over again. *shudders*

Flayra

Nicely done, Rob.  My favorite parts (no surprise) are the scenes where Blake is at the command station, monitoring things, watching out for movement and stuff.  Great stuff.

I also liked how you hinted at the ship separation bit early on in chapter 6, although I think that if you mentioned it even earlier, it would've got me more off-guard.  

Here are some of the things that I think can be improved:

- The aliens didn't feel very intelligent or crafty.  I fully realize you have no data on the aliens yet, so you're kinda glossing over them, but I would prefer them to seem more intelligent and less-numerous (just a different take on the aliens though, not necessarily better)

- Some of the combat feels like it's only in there because it feels like it should be.  That is, there are a couple scenes where there is combat or an encounter that doesn't seem to have a purpose, other then a small thrill.  I would think that you want to make sure that every scene has a purpose, as you probably want to strive for minimal text with the most impact.  This would mean that each encounter would have a purpose, like showing a new ability for the aliens, killing off a character (towards an end, not just for the sake of killing them off), showing an important character trait for a main character, etc.  This is easier said then done though, and you may very well disagree.

I would think that you're not writing the story to show a linear series of events, you're trying to provoke an emotional reaction.  There are some parts that feel like they're only in there because it's "realistic", not because it serves a purpose.

You've got some great writing skills, I'm just trying to make you even better!  Keep it up!

Rob

Whoa...
/me grabs everyone and shoves their face into Flay's reply.
See that? That's how I want you to comment <!--emo&:)--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'><!--endemo-->.  Plenty of constructive critisim in there.

<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td><b>Quote</b> </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"><!--QuoteEBegin-->The aliens didn't feel very intelligent or crafty.  I fully realize you have no data on the aliens yet, so you're kinda glossing over them, but I would prefer them to seem more intelligent and less-numerous (just a different take on the aliens though, not necessarily better)<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span id='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->

I made the aliens as intelligent as I could, the strategic hitting of all three human forces at the same time near the end, for example, but I like the idea of an alien swarm in massive warfare.  You know, the men fighting against unbeatable numbers bit.  But that's another reason I'm taking a break before Part II, so I can see some alien background and not feel like I'm in unfamiliar territory.  But I do want to make them seem more and more intelligent.

<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td><b>Quote</b> </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"><!--QuoteEBegin-->Some of the combat feels like it's only in there because it feels like it should be.  That is, there are a couple scenes where there is combat or an encounter that doesn't seem to have a purpose, other then a small thrill.  I would think that you want to make sure that every scene has a purpose, as you probably want to strive for minimal text with the most impact.  This would mean that each encounter would have a purpose, like showing a new ability for the aliens, killing off a character (towards an end, not just for the sake of killing them off), showing an important character trait for a main character, etc.  This is easier said then done though, and you may very well disagree.<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span id='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->

My story's about a war, in war, there's lots of small, stupid, good-for-thing battles that consist of maybe 4 rifle shots and a guy with a stubbed toe.  I'm striving to show what fighting a war with aliens like this would really be like.  And as I go along, characters and events develop by themselves.  The story takes on a life of it's own.  This is a good point, though, and I'll try to make each event more meaningful in later chapters.

<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td><b>Quote</b> </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"><!--QuoteEBegin-->I would think that you're not writing the story to show a linear series of events, you're trying to provoke an emotional reaction.  There are some parts that feel like they're only in there because it's "realistic", not because it serves a purpose.<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span id='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->

I'm really trying to do both at the same time.  To tell the story of the war through Zerik's eyes while touching on all these emotions that go along with combat.  And I also think having science-fiction based squarely with real science makes for a better read.

Thanks Flay!