Unknown enemy: chapter 7

Rob

<div class="IPBDescription">Back into it</div>Okay, here I go again.  If I can figure out exactly where I'm going from here (pretty good idea), I'll be getting back into it hard.  If not, here's at least Chapter 7, if you care to read.

Lemme know what you think:

<a href="http://members.fortunecity.com/rob6264" target="_blank">http://members.fortunecity.com/rob6264</a>

Comprox

*re-reads last chapter to get the old memory going*

I liked ths chapter, as there was little action and more explainging going on. Helped with refresing me memory of what had happened. Also liked the bit about good news/bad news <!--emo&:)--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'><!--endemo-->
I also liked how you <span style='color:222222'>"killed off" O'Neil, made it sound more feasbale and not the hero team that never dies</span>. I hope you get the alien backstory soon, so you can dive into that area more, keep up the good work!



<!--EDIT|Comprox|April 30 2002,20:26-->

Rob

Thanks, Comp!

XTS_Highlander

/me congratualtes rob

Excellent work my friend, your writing certainly entertains as well as it explains the universe of NS.

Rob

Thanks High!  Remember guys, if you don't like something, let me know.  It helps me get better.

Spyder_Monkey

*ahem*, As I stated to you in IRC... more "Mason and Zerik" scenes. Especially the ones were Mason is being 'cutish'. <!--emo&:)--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'><!--endemo-->

I'm living vicariously through your work. <!--emo&:p--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':p'><!--endemo-->



<!--EDIT|Spyder Monkey|May 02 2002,16:05-->

DruBo

It's good, Rob. Um, I'm not sure how I can state this without it sounding like an insult (which it isn't), but I think maybe the story could do with a few more edits. And I don't mean you editing it yourself. If you've ever done any kind of semi-professional writing or have taken a serious creative writing class, you know that doesn't count. I mean finding someone else to read it critically, go through the story bit by bit, and change things to make them sound more alive. I'd be glad to do that, if you'd like.

Rob

Thanks Bozo and Spyder.

As a matter of fact, I've been looking for someone to help me out here for some time.  I royally stink at grammar.  So, anywho, if you don't mind, I'll start sending chapters over to you before they get posted, that should work out great!  Thanks.

Slycaster

this is a little late but.... props to rob on chapter 7, it rox my sox, hard.  I can't wait for chapter 8.

Greedo

Cyanide:  you should learn that there's no such thing as late in the fan fiction forum. <!--emo&;)--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=';)'><!--endemo-->

And rob, again with the great dialogue.  That is simply one of the best things about your story.  I don't know, it just sounds realistic.  Like Spyder said, you need to ratchet up the "tension" between Mason and Zerik a lot.  Or just kill off Mason.  Okay, not really, but I think that you really need something truly unexpected to happen.  (Maybe I've seen too many movies over the weekend where this kind of stuff happens, so take that with a grain of salt.)

NeM

Rob i must say, his story has me wanting to play NS. i started reading the first chapter a couple days ago and i can' stop reading, every chapter is entertaining and it's easy to see the action in my mind. Keep it up rob, you made me addicted to NS now.

Flayra

Rob, I finally got around to catching up on everything you've been writing.  It's really great stuff!

When I saw this quote:

"Zerik looked out the cockpit windows as the dropship circled under the massive belly of the Orion. Light shimmered off the carefully polished surface of the hull, occasionally blinding the crew inside the transport. At the end of the row, Wilcox strapped on his helmet and charged his Hellfire."

I immediately started typing frantic messages to MonsE, something to the effect of "Give me a budget and a new engine".  It's clear you love marines vs. aliens as much (or more) then we do.

You've come a long way in your conversation and character development.  My only crits:

- Sometimes the characters are a bit too happy with each other, a little like the Starship Troopers movie.  A lot of the characters are too buddy-buddy IMHO.  This is good, but I think you should strive to imply it more then say it directly.  Mason telling Zerik that he was cute, then Cooper rubbing his hand in Zerik's hair, then everyone busting into laughter is certainly an appealing image, but it seems a bit too affectionate and caring for a group of hardened marines.  Not that I'm arguing for realism, but I think I would get a truer sense of the characters if they were a little more emotionally hardened and obscure.

- Victor rules.  You developed him quickly into a great badguy, with lots of opportunity for tension and conflict...but you got rid of him WAY too early!  He arrived and left within only a couple pages, I think you could've developed this a lot more.

- "No, you can't bring the tank head.".  This rules.

- I think your work deserves a better format, esp. a slick layout and with no ads.  Hive?  Readyroom?

Keep up the great work!  I do read almost all the work in this section, even if I'm running far behind.

Comprox

Obviously Flay is using the "new posts" link <!--emo&:)--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'><!--endemo--> The post JUSt above this one (beofre you posted) was this - <a href="http://www.natural-selection.org/cgi-bin/ikonboard/ikonboard.cgi?act=ST;f=6;t=3205" target="_blank">http://www.natural-selection.org/cgi-bin....;t=3205</a> . And it has a link to Rob's writing, all on the Hive now.

Rob

Thanks Flay.

I guess after you've recieved a few complaints about something (character affection in this case) it's time to change it!  <!--emo&:)--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'><!--endemo-->  So things will get alot more bumpy.

I think you're right, though, I got rid of Victory pretty fast, huh... /me laughs evilly, indicated we've not heard the whole story yet!

XTS_Highlander

<b>OOOOOOOOOOOOH A SEKRAT PLOTLINE TWIST REVEALED!!!</b>

/me whipes drool off chin

Yes.