The Patrol

Paradox_of_ExistenceParadox_of_Existence Join Date: 2003-03-29 Member: 15031Members
in Fan-Fiction Forum
<div class="IPBDescription">My first ever piece of fiction</div> This is my first try at doing any writing at all. Criticism/Comments are, of course, welcome.

<a href='http://www.geocities.com/ktyor/patrol.html' target='_blank'>http://www.geocities.com/ktyor/patrol.html</a>
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Comments

  • That_Annoying_KidThat_Annoying_Kid Sire of Titles Join Date: 2003-03-01 Member: 14175Members, Constellation
    w00t w00t w00t w00t w00t

    w00tage and pwnage all roled into one
    more we say!
    he's gotta go back and save those colonists!
    let's get a mine epic going!
    and PM when it done!
    keep up the good work
    <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
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  • UGLJonUGLJon Join Date: 2002-11-04 Member: 6940Members
    It was very well written! It's too bad you didn't expand the story before your action though. All in all it was a great reat filled with wonderful description. Great job!!! I hope you expand on the story.

    The only part I didn't like was the "land of the living" ending. It seemed he could have said something more emphatic. Maybe a slight comedic ending, "No, your not in heaven if that's what you are wondering." or something leading on to a sequel, "I hope you enjoyed your rest. We've got more work to do.

    But thats minor. <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo--> It was good.
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  • xectxect Join Date: 2002-11-24 Member: 9807Members
    Nice one. I also think the action came too quick though. It's like the whole story was about the battle, but it's hard to get tense action when we dont know the people in the battle. Good one overall though.
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  • Paradox_of_ExistenceParadox_of_Existence Join Date: 2003-03-29 Member: 15031Members
    Yes, I agree. This was more a test story rather than a proper stroy, as I wanted to test if the idea for a "Scout Regiment" was okay.

    As for the ending, I agrre. It's cliched to hell <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->
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  • That_Annoying_KidThat_Annoying_Kid Sire of Titles Join Date: 2003-03-01 Member: 14175Members, Constellation
    it's okay, just make sure to keep writing!
    I really want to see them go back, and have epic battle to save all those colonists, becuase that just seems like it would be a high priority for the TSA, oh well, take your time, Creativity can't be rushed (but they hive can) <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->
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