Cronos Introduction
S_T_A_R_S_Barry
Join Date: 2003-03-17 Member: 14624Members
Join Date: 2003-03-17 Member: 14624Members
there where ten of them lined up in military fashion backs strait arms held behind them, unlike the rookies who stood stock still trying to show the commander how hard they could look these where standing diffrently as if, as if they saw things in your mind things you didnt want other people to know things that where for you and for you alone. As a weapon designer Barry had seen a few years in combat mainly peace keeping dutys, the commander of the team had put him up for promotions as he seemed to be able to convert old conentainol weapons into something diffrent.
He had made his big jump through the ranks when he saved his team on orlias 5. He used his knowledge of the conventional MM-26 grenade laucher and the phase gate to great use.
The squad was being over run by rebals some one had to have been helpng them, they couldent get armed like this could they? They had lost transmissions to several squads already and the number of reports was dropping fast. None of the ships in orbit where in range to give them evac, they had a few seiges up he had upgraded the obeservitory to movemment tracking, the commander said that this would make him genral someday, Barry didnt belive him? The seige guns he had linked into the obsevitory from his view point he could see them firing there sonic blasts off into the riot below, alot of the people hit didnt die on impact but the landing certenely did, the seiges where knocking them flying either into burning houses and ocashnely which in a sike way was funny, 200 feet in the air. He knew that sooner or later they would come up the hill and over whelm them.
"barry you got any idea"
the crakling of the voice com showed that there was definate EMS some where in the city, Who had armed them?
"yes sir i have an idea but its going to cost us quite bit of our remaning recources"
"will it save us?"
Barry stared hard into the fray he could see a few marine helmits on poles he hoped there wasent heads inside them.
"Barry? you still there?"
"yes yes sorry just thinking it might work it just might"
"ok anythign beter than waiting for an angry mob to club us to death"
just then one of the sieges exploded
"HOLY CRAP that was snoic they have seiges, im geting the other 2 to target."
there was an explosion somewhere in the town
"damn thats one down ok what do you need barry?"
"a grande laucnher and a jet pack sir"
"ok im beaming the stuff over to you now"
what he requsted was beamed infront of him, Barry put on the Jet pack cliping the belt around him and giving it an testing tug to make sure it was secure. He picked up the grenade laucher and opend the magazine
"what are you doing Barry? Those clips cost a fortune in nanosludge"
"sir do you want me to save your **** or not?"
"ok ok carry on but i aint paying the bill"
Barry ignored the comment and went over to phase gate and began unscrewing the Translocater coils
"BARRY WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING THATS GONA COST US BIG TIME THE OTHER SQUADS CANT BEAM IN NOW"
"what other squads would they be sir"
the com link went slilent for a while
"i aint paying the bill"
"ok sir its ready" barry has emptied the clip of its standered exlosive rounds and had don a few modfication with the barrel which he was sure was going to work he clliped his slightly larger than normal clip into the slot and loaded the first shell.
"now what do we do Barry?"
"i fly you sit and whach the fireworks"
Barry actovated the jet packs trusters and flew over the crowed he saw tracers mssing him by inches, he was feeling this wasent such a good idea any more.
He paced the room one more time and looked each of the men up and down, he cleared his throught and said
"welcome to the cronos project you have been selected for specilist traning in the feild of quatem macaniques any who do not wish to proceed take a step back now."
No one did he let out a sigh of relief all of these vetrins wheres needed if his project was to suceed, now the game had began and he held the aces.
He had made his big jump through the ranks when he saved his team on orlias 5. He used his knowledge of the conventional MM-26 grenade laucher and the phase gate to great use.
The squad was being over run by rebals some one had to have been helpng them, they couldent get armed like this could they? They had lost transmissions to several squads already and the number of reports was dropping fast. None of the ships in orbit where in range to give them evac, they had a few seiges up he had upgraded the obeservitory to movemment tracking, the commander said that this would make him genral someday, Barry didnt belive him? The seige guns he had linked into the obsevitory from his view point he could see them firing there sonic blasts off into the riot below, alot of the people hit didnt die on impact but the landing certenely did, the seiges where knocking them flying either into burning houses and ocashnely which in a sike way was funny, 200 feet in the air. He knew that sooner or later they would come up the hill and over whelm them.
"barry you got any idea"
the crakling of the voice com showed that there was definate EMS some where in the city, Who had armed them?
"yes sir i have an idea but its going to cost us quite bit of our remaning recources"
"will it save us?"
Barry stared hard into the fray he could see a few marine helmits on poles he hoped there wasent heads inside them.
"Barry? you still there?"
"yes yes sorry just thinking it might work it just might"
"ok anythign beter than waiting for an angry mob to club us to death"
just then one of the sieges exploded
"HOLY CRAP that was snoic they have seiges, im geting the other 2 to target."
there was an explosion somewhere in the town
"damn thats one down ok what do you need barry?"
"a grande laucnher and a jet pack sir"
"ok im beaming the stuff over to you now"
what he requsted was beamed infront of him, Barry put on the Jet pack cliping the belt around him and giving it an testing tug to make sure it was secure. He picked up the grenade laucher and opend the magazine
"what are you doing Barry? Those clips cost a fortune in nanosludge"
"sir do you want me to save your **** or not?"
"ok ok carry on but i aint paying the bill"
Barry ignored the comment and went over to phase gate and began unscrewing the Translocater coils
"BARRY WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING THATS GONA COST US BIG TIME THE OTHER SQUADS CANT BEAM IN NOW"
"what other squads would they be sir"
the com link went slilent for a while
"i aint paying the bill"
"ok sir its ready" barry has emptied the clip of its standered exlosive rounds and had don a few modfication with the barrel which he was sure was going to work he clliped his slightly larger than normal clip into the slot and loaded the first shell.
"now what do we do Barry?"
"i fly you sit and whach the fireworks"
Barry actovated the jet packs trusters and flew over the crowed he saw tracers mssing him by inches, he was feeling this wasent such a good idea any more.
He paced the room one more time and looked each of the men up and down, he cleared his throught and said
"welcome to the cronos project you have been selected for specilist traning in the feild of quatem macaniques any who do not wish to proceed take a step back now."
No one did he let out a sigh of relief all of these vetrins wheres needed if his project was to suceed, now the game had began and he held the aces.
Comments
Agree...
Agree... <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
It's unanimouse (sp?)
your spelling is about the only thing that needs to be worked on
keep up the good work, you've got me waiting for the next part to come out...
look up all these things and find out what they mean.. and learn! <!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/wink.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink.gif'><!--endemo-->
hope to see the reworked version, because to be totally honest i read the first two lines and scrolled down to see the replies <!--emo&:(--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/sad.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='sad.gif'><!--endemo-->
stick thru the story, if you can manage to avoid the glaring sp errors it's decent
but if you bear with it, it's a good story nonetheless
dont be so vague - what is he actually doing? what was the funky little contraption he rigged up that would save the day? dont leave us in the dark, the reader's imagination isnt all its cracked up to be in stories
try to avoid large blocks of meaningless, annoying, distracting dialogue. if you cant get rid of the dialogue, for a start, tell us who says it.
instead of,
"see that wall?"
"yer i see it"
"are you watching it? watch the wall"
"yer, im looking, im looking"
"look, darnit"
"yeah yeah, im looking"
"good, cos im going to blow it up"
try something like
"See that wall?" Tom pointed at a rusty slab of metal wedged in between the two supports.
Brian shrugged. "Yer, I see it.."
"Are you watching it? Watch the wall!" He hitched up his trousers and reached for a Grenade Launcher.
"Yer, I'm looking, I'm looking," Brian nodded, thumbing through a naughty magazine, his eyes shining.
Tom looked up and cursed. "Look, darnit!"
"Yeah yeah, I'm looking!" He closed the magazine and crossed his arms, glaring at Tom.
Tom squinted at the wall, and readied his Grenade Launcher. "Good, 'cos I'm going to blow it up."
and to stop it being as boring, add some non-affecting action in between the dialogue. i.e:
"See that wall?" Tom pointed at a rusty slab of metal wedged in between the two supports.
Brian shrugged. "Yer, I see it.."
"Are you watching it? Watch the wall!" He hitched up his trousers and reached for a Grenade Launcher. <b>In the distance, a squad of marines ran to a phase gate, ready to be teleported into the front lines.</b>
"Yer, I'm looking, I'm looking," Brian nodded, thumbing through a naughty magazine, his eyes shining.
Tom looked up and cursed. "Look, darnit!"
"Yeah yeah, I'm looking!" He closed the magazine and crossed his arms, glaring at Tom.
Tom squinted at the wall, and readied his Grenade Launcher. "Good, 'cos I'm going to blow it up."
and overall, just explain things better and fix your spelling and grammar. a lot of your story doesnt make sense
and the spellchecked version isn't up yet, what gives?
no worries
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