Depression And Confusion
<div class="IPBDescription">What a freaking mess . . .</div> I need to vent for a bit here, so bear with me . . .
Lately Ive been going through a progressivly worsening depression, folowed by the confusion of trying to understand why. I believe it has something to do with me and women, but before i start let me tell you a bit about myself (no i am not trying to get laid or anything, for those of you who think this is a "noone likes me" post) . . .
Im 18, in high school in Kettering Ohio, a job at the local KFC A&W RootBeer Stand, a casual gamer (playing just whenever ive got time outa my life to fit some of whatever game im playing in) Im 6'3, 170Lbs, Brownish black hair, blue eyes, i dont think i look bad at all, and if you want proof Email me and ask for my pic so i can show you. I have a group of guy friends I hang around, and another group that consists of guys and girls.
Ok so thats me, anyway lately this depression has been getting worse, and Im thinking it has to do with my luck with women, If i like a girl, then i get hurt, not by her, but by the fact that I know that i have no chance with her, even if there seriously is one, its goten bad enough to the point that if i even look at a girl that i think is pretty or something, i get hit by a wave of depression, and im getting tired of it. I thought I liked a girl, but then i got confused about it when she found out she has no intrest in me other than being friends. There is another girl that i thought i had a chance with, met her at band camp (NO BAD JOKES ABOUT BAND, PLEASE) and weve been friends ever since, but shes got her own things going on and its confusing there. Just today i realized that the depression is realy getting to me because of my snapping at one of my best friends for him doing a royal bludgeoning of a n00b in starcraft, claiming that he was just "disecting tactics" he diddnt take to that too well at all . . .
Ive gotta go, ill make a continuation post later of more thoughts and rants
Lately Ive been going through a progressivly worsening depression, folowed by the confusion of trying to understand why. I believe it has something to do with me and women, but before i start let me tell you a bit about myself (no i am not trying to get laid or anything, for those of you who think this is a "noone likes me" post) . . .
Im 18, in high school in Kettering Ohio, a job at the local KFC A&W RootBeer Stand, a casual gamer (playing just whenever ive got time outa my life to fit some of whatever game im playing in) Im 6'3, 170Lbs, Brownish black hair, blue eyes, i dont think i look bad at all, and if you want proof Email me and ask for my pic so i can show you. I have a group of guy friends I hang around, and another group that consists of guys and girls.
Ok so thats me, anyway lately this depression has been getting worse, and Im thinking it has to do with my luck with women, If i like a girl, then i get hurt, not by her, but by the fact that I know that i have no chance with her, even if there seriously is one, its goten bad enough to the point that if i even look at a girl that i think is pretty or something, i get hit by a wave of depression, and im getting tired of it. I thought I liked a girl, but then i got confused about it when she found out she has no intrest in me other than being friends. There is another girl that i thought i had a chance with, met her at band camp (NO BAD JOKES ABOUT BAND, PLEASE) and weve been friends ever since, but shes got her own things going on and its confusing there. Just today i realized that the depression is realy getting to me because of my snapping at one of my best friends for him doing a royal bludgeoning of a n00b in starcraft, claiming that he was just "disecting tactics" he diddnt take to that too well at all . . .
Ive gotta go, ill make a continuation post later of more thoughts and rants
Comments
Stop trying to find women. Then they will find you.
It's been some time since I've been a teenager, but I remember feeling this way. So do millions of others. This of course does nothing to lighten your burden.
For me, I got more involved in my interests. I started reading more (philosophy mostly), started watching all the "unpopular" movies that I was always curious about, and otherwise started focusing on who I was rather than who everyone else saw me as. Don't let everyone's perception of you rule your life. Start having fun before it's too late! <!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/wink.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink.gif'><!--endemo-->
It was a good two years, but in the end it doesnt even matter.
That reminds me, I need to get my camera and DVD's back.....
My friend in HS had a similar fear of rejection, but found that after talking with these "girl-friends," he would just ask them to dinner - not a dinner date, just to go out and get some food. They never turned him down, really, since it was just a casual thing.
Eventually, this helped his self esteem and he asked a girl out that he had a crush on for a *really* long time - and she said yes! I think they went out for about 6 months after that.
Just find some things that will help alleviate the initial fear of rejection, then the depression should slowly decrease over time.
Stop trying to find women. Then they will find you.
It's been some time since I've been a teenager, but I remember feeling this way. So do millions of others.<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Agreed. Trust me, you're not the only one who's emotionally and/or mentally beating themselves up because of girls/guys. Everyone I know has had a rough spot in their teen/late-teen years, and they have all learned from it.
Even I used to be much the same way, but I managed to get through it. And now I have a much stronger perspective of who I am and what I want, whereas I didn't have that view when I was younger.
Don't worry, bud, everyone goes through this stage at some point in their lives. Just remember that your family and close friends are your best allies.
i can't tell you how to feel when you see a girl you're maybe attracted to...but maybe you have a serious problem if you feel depressed just by seeing one. all i can say is try not to be so pesstimistic about it. (sp?) enjoy your youth while you still have it. <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo--> how do <i>you</i> know you don't have a chance, hmm? <!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/wink.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink.gif'><!--endemo-->
Stop trying to find women. Then they will find you. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
That doesn't work. I've tried it.
I really liked this one girl, she is the only person who ever (or rather HAS ever) said 'Hi' to me as soon as I walked by her. Even though we have nothing in common, she always listens and never makes me feel like she just wants to get away. She also has the most amazing eyes and cutests face I have ever seen.
Anyhow, this weekend me and a bunch of my friends went on a camping trip on an island (its Florida....we have gimpy forests). There I meet this kid I've seen but not really talked to, we are walking around checking things out and he tells me he likes the same girl I do! He of course, dosent know I like her, so I let him go on.
He tells me he has gone on a semi-date with her, and that she kissed him. That got me ****, since as I later found out, the only reason she liked him was because her friend told her he was nice. Now, im certainly not a jerk, this girl's mother looked like she wanted to adopt me last time I was at their house. Thats how nice I was! And in return, she kisses somone she hardly knows.
Maybe im just overblowing it, maybe. Perhaps she has me in higher reguards, or something. But im not sure, we have nothing at all in common (movies, computer, tv, etc, etc). I used to like her, I dunno if I should, because I have the feeling this is going to be deja vu all over again. I just need to decide if now is the time to detatch myself from her emotionally, or if there really is something going on.
It varies from girl to girl, maybe you have somethign resembling a life, unlike me. The most general advice I can give you though, is NEVER like a girl unless you have some indication they have an intrest in you. It has saved me so much trouble. Just keep telling yourself she is only a friend, nothing more....yet.
Hopefully the mods dont lock this, they don't seem to like steam venting posts.
EDIT: Hm...maybe this isnt the best place to post your steam...you know the whole "blind leading the blind" thing? <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif'><!--endemo-->
Long time since I was a teenager...but yeah, almost everyone goes through this or something like it..
Just chill.
Women can smell desperation a mile off...chill out, and all will be ok..
<!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/wink.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink.gif'><!--endemo-->
**** happens, Don't dwell on it.
Stop trying to find women. Then they will find you. <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
That doesn't work. I've tried it. <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Yeah... i've never come on to any girls, hit on them, etc... and none of them talk to me. not even a "lets be friends" speech, just no talking...
kinda starting to freak me out as I see all my best friends going out with girls and such.. not jelous of them, but more angry at myself, and my lack of everything that attracts women to them...'
I really do think I have some sort of complex... I don't talk to girls because i'm afraid they will feel obligated to talk back, even if they don't like me, which I also believe to be a possibility.
It's not so much the rejection, as I can take that easily, but the thought of making someone else go through the paces of rejection on someone else :\
<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->Women can smell desperation a mile off...chill out, and all will be ok..<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Anybody else hear a bell ring?
Stop trying to be who you think they want you to be and just BE. <!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/wink.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink.gif'><!--endemo-->
I am who I am <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
Desparation is something I am not in, more like frustration <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif'><!--endemo-->
I don't dress nicely (grab what's on top of my clean pile of clothoes) i don't wear calogne (stuff smells terrible) don't work out (though i'm not fat by any means,) but I do practice basic hygene...
Should I stop doing that too? <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif'><!--endemo-->
I dress nice, carefully pick out my clothes.
I put on cologne, love the smell.
I work out 3 days a week, I feel sucky if I don't.
I am a bit overweight, but its mostly muscle, and I am pretty tall (good excuse eh?).
AND I STILL DON'T GET GIRLS. By the laws of physics this should NOT be possible! *cry*
Back on topic.. console the first guy.
I dress nice, carefully pick out my clothes.
I put on cologne, love the smell.
I work out 3 days a week, I feel sucky if I don't.
I am a bit overweight, but its mostly muscle, and I am pretty tall (good excuse eh?).
AND I STILL DON'T GET GIRLS. By the laws of physics this should NOT be possible! *cry*<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Looks get your foot in the door. Personallity get's you into bed <!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/wink.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink.gif'><!--endemo-->
I dress nice, carefully pick out my clothes.
I put on cologne, love the smell.
I work out 3 days a week, I feel sucky if I don't.
I am a bit overweight, but its mostly muscle, and I am pretty tall (good excuse eh?).
AND I STILL DON'T GET GIRLS. By the laws of physics this should NOT be possible! *cry*<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Looks get your foot in the door. Personallity get's you into bed <!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/wink.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink.gif'><!--endemo--> <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Looks mean nothing to girls that are worth getting into a relationship with. Unless the girl would love you for your personality, even if you're terribly deformed or whatever, she isn't worth it.
Sorry, not true.
Unless she finds you attractive , no relationship, just how it is.
At least, not the kind of relationship you are thinking of.
Sounds harsh, but think it through..supposing you meet the nicest girl in the world, but she's a complete piglet, are you still interested?
No, thought not...
It's not shallow, it's just human nature.
The good news however, is that some women find the weirdest things attractive..they aint all into pretty boys y'know.. <!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/wink.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink.gif'><!--endemo-->
Sorry, not true.
Unless she finds you attractive , no relationship, just how it is.
At least, not the kind of relationship you are thinking of.
Sounds harsh, but think it through..supposing you meet the nicest girl in the world, but she's a complete piglet, are you still interested?
No, thought not...
It's not shallow, it's just human nature.
The good news however, is that some women find the weirdest things attractive..they aint all into pretty boys y'know.. <!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/wink.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink.gif'><!--endemo--> <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
You also have to look at what type of relationship it is. If all you're looking for is a bed buddy looks will be very important compared to personallity. Not all relationships are about love ya know.
Depends entirely what ya looking for.
Practise and dare to fail.
That is something I'm trying to do my self.
There are many reasons for this
1. You get more excprience talking with girls in that situation.
2. You learn that rejections doesn't have to be as bad as you might think. Most girls will let you down easy if you ask them nicely and doesn't say things like: "Hey babe want to....?" Well you get the picture.
3. By hitting on girls you show that you are interrested in girls. You so to speak advertise that you are on the market,
But as other has said. Don't come of too desperate and try and not let it show hwo much you cared that she didn't want to go out with you.
Shutting of your emotions totaly though is plain wrong. One of my aikido senseis used to talk about "action-reaction" and that is the name of the game. By sending out feelings for some one else (body language, be kind to her, telepathy...) you will get a reaction back. "Sending" love might start a fire of love in the reciving party.
It might not allways be the reaction that you want but then at least you will know and can get on with your life.
Girls can get away a bit more with being passive but the sad thing is that we guys must most of the time make first contact. <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
And consider the risks by not doing it. You might miss the love of your life just because you didn't show your feelings and she didn't knew that you liked her. I have a friend that this happened. I learnt a couple years to late that the girl he like aslo liked him.
As for the one who just got out of an relationship and was happy about it. To say what you did is like when the rich man tells the poor that money hasn't made him happy. Well that might be true but I rather cry in a Lamborgine than on the bus <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
If you're happy then that's great but don't try to persuade other people not to try. People tend to take the easy way out from things they are afraid of "Well maybe it's better if live alone for the rest of my life" <!--emo&:(--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/sad.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='sad.gif'><!--endemo-->
Life is about challange. Challange yourself.
Love is great when it works and a rollercoaster of drugs that your body creates <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
"it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"
Now I will try and stop my ramblings. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. Even though I might seem like it sometimes I don't have all the answers, but I'm told that I'm a good listener.
I disagree, but then I am an old bast. It's fair to say I got the whole "partypartypartyhard!!!" thing out of my system half a decade ago, then retired with my few remaining brain cells..
I dunno, I suppose my perspective on all this has changed..
I stand by my original points though..
Generally women hate guys "trying to pick them up / score" ..delete according to what you call it in your particular country..
I <i>never</i> picked up any woman with the "hey let's get chicks!!11" attitude. It is sooooo much more likely when you are just hanging out with your mates, playing pool, down the pub watching the footy, hell, even lurking at yer local role playing society if that's what floats yer boat..
Go about your business.
If you happen to meet some women, then , hey great. Not only did you meet them, but the chances are they are into the same things you are..
Ignore cologne/ aftershave
<!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->
This is not important and only makes you smell like a tarts handbag.
Working out?
Might be an idea, except many women associate this with vanity and slightly-gayness which is not a plus point..some women will be right into it...50/50 really
Personal Hygiene?
Yes. Highly recommended.
Feel free to disregard this, but keep in mind all the old basts in this debate are ( as far as I can tell )saying more or less the same things...and we've been doing this longer than you..
<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->If i like a girl, then i get hurt, not by her, but by the fact that I know that i have no chance with her, even if there seriously is one, its goten bad enough to the point that if i even look at a girl that i think is pretty or something, i get hit by a wave of depression, and im getting tired of it.<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
What you have described here sounds like a symptom of low self-esteem. I am not accusing you of being unattractive, but perhaps somewhere deep inside you are not satisfied with your attractiveness no matter how attractive you may be. (I know many people who are attractive that has image problems... it's actually not rare)
When I breakdown what you said this is what I see;
You look at a girl you find attractive, when you think or imagine yourself with this girl you feel unworthy somehow, perhaps you feel you just don't <i>"measure up to her standards,"</i> and that thought leads to disappointment and even a feelings of rejection which ultimately brings depression if it happens frequently.
I think this has something to do with "Standards." For some reason your mind got this <b>"idea"</b> that certain types of women (ie. the women you are attracted to) has certain standards. You could have gotten this <b>"idea"</b> from family, friends, magazines, tv, movies, it could have even been self-concieved.
Whatever the case may be (it is not important now) this <b>"idea"</b> became stronger and more dominate in your mind. What I think is a cause for concern is that this <b>"idea"</b> became so strong in your mind that it has begun to affect your actions before you act. This is what I mean;
You look at a girl. You find her attractive.
<i>Before you even know if she saw you, or before any indication whether she was interested or not...</i>
You think "...i have no chance..." and then the waves of depression follow.
It seems to me you are depressed just at the thought of rejection, yet in reality <i>you really don't know what she is thinking</i>, but the sheer turmoil of depression has already taken over... you've decided you've lost before you really found out if you had a chance haven't you?
Do you see the "complex" that I'm describing? Perhaps... <b>You are reacting to self-concieved thoughts but <i>not</i> to reality.</b> Because in reality, you don't know whether you have a chance with a girl with just one look. It sounds silly to say it, but isn't that what you are doing? You look at a girl you find attractive and automatically think you have no chance.
<b><i>Why</i> don't you have a chance?</b>
<b><i>What do you think</i> it is that gives you no chance?</b>
<b><i>What do you have to do/have/be</i> to make you feel that you do have a chance?</b>
If I don't sound totally crazy and have made even an ounce of sense in this post, give my questions some thought. I can't give you any answers, and I have learned not to give advice. What I think I can do is sharing some of my observations with you and pose a few questions that I think might probe at some of the internal dynamics of what you described. I hope it gives you some new leads as to how you can resolve these issues.
I feel it is necessary to repeat once again,
I am by no means an expert, nor should you take anything I say as advice. I only share observations and I can only speak from my own personal experience...
Best to you and don't tuck this issue away, dealing with it will make you a stronger, better person. <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
EDiT: Couple weird typos...
Photos of..
A) Me
and..
B) Mrs Ham
Would illustrate my points perfectly, and give hope to all ugly dudes.
He isn't depressed because he keeps getting shot down by pretty girls... he has shot himself down before he even approuches the pretty girl.
I think that might be the problem.
He isn't depressed because he keeps getting shot down by pretty girls... he has shot himself down before he even approuches the pretty girl.
I think that might be the problem.<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
I agree. I was the same way at his age. Always convincing myself that whatever girl I was interested in wouldn't feel the same way about me, so why bother telling her how I felt just to hear what I "knew" she'd say.
Back to what i was saying, I do have friends that are of the opposite sex, i actually have several of them, but the becoming more than friends is the hard part, i get the idea of "enjoy your youthful years while you can" but whats the point of that if you cant be with someone to share that time, not just friends, but as more than that
Oye i cant think anymore, ill post again later