Thats All That Matters
spinviper
Join Date: 2003-05-08 Member: 16151Members
Join Date: 2003-05-08 Member: 16151Members
<div class="IPBDescription">a story from the kharra viewpoint</div> Part one
<i>Kill!!</i> Kill those who oppose the overmind!!To please the overmindmind! When the overmind is happy the
kharra are happy! Thats all that matters.
The sound of clanging metal grew louder. I pearched myself atop the door where the sound was coming from. In a few moments my body emitied a spore like substance that started to move at very high speeds around me. I started to blur, a few more seconds ticked by and I turned completely invisible to anything execpt infra-red....
Private Johnson pushed the door's activation button. The door opened with a rush of servous and hydraulicks(mind my spelling). As he walked into the room, he mused on how loud each step sounded and if he would be better of killing himself! He suddenly froze. He thought he had a heard a low gutteral chuckel which the kharra were notoriously known for. He quickly turned back weapon ready, but he saw nothing. He paused for a few seconds and passed it it off as paranoia.
I watched as the marine turned and stared directly at me! I told myself I needed to be more discaplined, and to remain silent during such times. After a few moments he turned back and resumed walking. I had obtained an ability earlier which allowed me to move and do things in complete scilence. I crept up behind him making no sound. I jumped at aiming for his head. I ripped through his neck leaving a deep gash. The marine screamed in agony. I slammed a clawed paw at his head killing him instantly then proceeded to devour him.
<i>Kill!!</i> Kill those who oppose the overmind!!To please the overmindmind! When the overmind is happy the
kharra are happy! Thats all that matters.
The sound of clanging metal grew louder. I pearched myself atop the door where the sound was coming from. In a few moments my body emitied a spore like substance that started to move at very high speeds around me. I started to blur, a few more seconds ticked by and I turned completely invisible to anything execpt infra-red....
Private Johnson pushed the door's activation button. The door opened with a rush of servous and hydraulicks(mind my spelling). As he walked into the room, he mused on how loud each step sounded and if he would be better of killing himself! He suddenly froze. He thought he had a heard a low gutteral chuckel which the kharra were notoriously known for. He quickly turned back weapon ready, but he saw nothing. He paused for a few seconds and passed it it off as paranoia.
I watched as the marine turned and stared directly at me! I told myself I needed to be more discaplined, and to remain silent during such times. After a few moments he turned back and resumed walking. I had obtained an ability earlier which allowed me to move and do things in complete scilence. I crept up behind him making no sound. I jumped at aiming for his head. I ripped through his neck leaving a deep gash. The marine screamed in agony. I slammed a clawed paw at his head killing him instantly then proceeded to devour him.
Comments
... part 2 ?
The overmind calls! I rushed towards the hive and nestled in its birth tube. I gave myself up to it, Mind, Body, Soul. My genetic infomation was telepaticly sent to another hive where a major battle was going on...
I ripped open my birth sac and took note of my surroundings. The hive informed me that I was in a fusion
reactor. And it also told me that the pain-shooters have hold of the other hives locations, Waste Disposal and Satelite Communications. I was sent of the front line, that was damnably close to the hive. Cargo Bay.
I was immediatly met with a hail of dart-like things. They were not bullets though, and seemed to hold a liqud. My brethren charged the right flank, hoping to overwhelm them. I heard the hiss of jet packs, and from above the pain-shooters took them from all sides. They had no chance. Suddenly the hive emmited a telepatic message to us: The hive is under attack! As I neard the hive I heard the clank of servous. Which only ment one thing : Heavy Armour.
First Sergent Johnson pondered on why TSA high command had wanted to sedate the kharra instead of killing them. He sure has hell prefered a dead kharra to an alive one. He dismissed the thought and ordered his heavy armour units to destroy the hive. When the hive is destroyed, anything which contains the Kharra bacterium will slowly die due to the nanobots in the Nano-Gridlock. But the TSA wanted live specimens. So the kharra had to be put in mini cryogenic chambers, each of different sizes for different evolutions. The specimens were made up of skulks and a single fade. The kharra had not much chance to evlove in this ordeal.
Very good! If this is your first time ever writing. First of all, and most importantly, spelling. Spelling and grammar is the FIRST THING TO KEEP IN MIND. Even if your story has no plot, no characters, and a lame, tired setting, at least we can read it. However, your story could be a Grisham and no one will care because you type like an 8 year old on speed.
I liked the Kharra viewpoint. However, they seem to be getting TOO popular. Enough is enough, Kharra stories are fine, but that's all I've seen is stories about the Kharra. Your opening paragraphs were strong, showing the interconnected mind the Kharaa has to the overmind. What overmind? There is no overmind... hives aren't an overmind, they're like beehives. They represent life, but I wasn't aware that they were big masses of brain matter.
Depth, development, both are lacking. Private Johnson, Seargant Johnson, Prefect Johnson. Who is this guy? Why do we care? For a short story about a Kharra adventure, okay. But if you're going to make this an extended volume, you're going to want more description (Don't overdo it, which I'm guilty of myself), better development, and simply put: Longer stories. It took me 30 seconds to read that first part. Which is the worst part of writing. Divide how long it took you to write a story by 10, and that's about how long it'll take to read.
Once again: For a first timer (I assume) it's... well, it's a start. It could definately be better. Practice makes perfect, and no one is perfect, so why practice? Because... well, because bad writing is all too common.
I'm not expecting you to write a Pulitzer-worthy novel here, just something a little more high-class. I'd love to attract lots of people to this section, and the only way to do it is if we have writing to be proud of.
The story is a bit too fast imho , feels like in game skulk rushes... Forget the comments about "fast-paced gameplay and action" , the most important element in NS is tension and suspens , and that's the only thing you can perfectly report through text. 1rst person stories in such an environment can be easily too fast , it is important to add significant pauses or possibly flashbacks , having 2 points of view should have helped you slow the pace down really... take the time to add details about the characters.
About the overmind thing : this is a subtle matter , better think of a "synthesis" of everyone's minds taking decisions , without forming a definite entity. When you hear the hive mind , you hear the combined opinions of every Kharaa individual. Hence the tone of its sayings , when everyone feels confused you can hear "this place is a mess" , when there are 3 hives the hive mind says "now , <i>we</i> donce" , the hive itself doesn't feel any change lol.
It says "cleanse the intruders" but that should be "Let's cleanse the intruders" instead , this is not an order but a collective decision (hence the skulk rush)