U.s.s Saul
Ukato
Join Date: 2002-11-05 Member: 7204Members
Join Date: 2002-11-05 Member: 7204Members
<div class="IPBDescription">First story, please post feedback</div> **Begin Transmission**
Private Cohen stepped out of the infantry portal, and onto the steel floors of the U.S.S Saul. Once an abandoned derilect, it had recently drawn the attention of the Kharaa, and needed to be secured, to prevent further spreading of the alien menace.
"Cohen! put up this tower for me!" He heard over his headset. A waypoint flickered, then appeared over on his left. "Build resource tower: 75 meters".
Max Cohen grudgingly shouldered his LMG and headed for the waypoint. The twisting paths seemed unnatural to him, and his mind wandered off to how a spaceship could actually be constructed with hallways so mazelike and immense.
He was so lost in his thinking that he didn't notice the puddle of slime on the floor until he slipped on it. Max's feet shot out from under him, and he cracked his helmet against the cold, unforgiving floor of the ship. opening his eyes and letting out a groan, Max looked up just in time to roll out of the way of the skulk dropping upon him.
He twisted and rolled to his feet, firing spastically, in an attempt to fend off the beast. It lunged at him, tearing at his arm, and sending jolts of pain up his shoulder and into his brain. he dropped his LMG, and reached for his pistol with his good arm.
Max knew he was going to die. He felt fear as he never had, fear for his life, fear for his squadmates, fear for his race.
<We could taste the fear in that one. His blood covers the floor, pouring from his arm and neck. Time for us to move on. We must keep moving, keep building, expanding. We are changing. Parts of us remain the same, but there are new parts. We have the fliers now, helping us with their gas. We have the tall ones, with long claws and a thirst for combat. We must keep fighting. We must destroy all of them, who take our homes and stand in our way. Destroy the metal abominations which they built around us. We are succeeding. They are falling.>
"****, fall back!" Commander Harrison was yelling to his squad, but in vain. Most of his crew lay dead, weapons and corpses of turrets strewn about the hold. It was down to him and his last five men. "Get those shotguns and get back here!" he barked into his headset. Private Kearns picked up one of the shotguns, but was promptly crushed under the feet of one of the behemoth aliens, it's hooves grinding bone and armor alike.
"Alright, **** the shotguns, just get back here!" he yelled desperately. His men tried to run, but two of them were choking on spores and fell there, while another soldier, private Reid, was tangled in webs.
"Sir?" Private Gardner had made it back to the command station alive, with no weapons, save for his sidearm. Harrison logged out of the command station.
"Here Gardner, give me your pistol." He handed over his pistol without complaint.
"Now i want you to get the hell out of here, and tell the TSA what's happening over here, alright?" Gardner looked puzzled.
"But sir, what are you going to do?" He replied quizically.
"It doesn't matter, now get in the escape pod. You know how to work one, right?"
"Just get in and press the F4 button on the left panel, right?"
"Good. Now go!" Harrison ordered, as he checked the chamber in the pistol.
As he saw the pod speed off towards safety, Harrison felt somewhat relieved. He leaned into the command console, and popped a few medpacks down by the chair.
"This is it." he said to himself.
**End Transmission**
Private Cohen stepped out of the infantry portal, and onto the steel floors of the U.S.S Saul. Once an abandoned derilect, it had recently drawn the attention of the Kharaa, and needed to be secured, to prevent further spreading of the alien menace.
"Cohen! put up this tower for me!" He heard over his headset. A waypoint flickered, then appeared over on his left. "Build resource tower: 75 meters".
Max Cohen grudgingly shouldered his LMG and headed for the waypoint. The twisting paths seemed unnatural to him, and his mind wandered off to how a spaceship could actually be constructed with hallways so mazelike and immense.
He was so lost in his thinking that he didn't notice the puddle of slime on the floor until he slipped on it. Max's feet shot out from under him, and he cracked his helmet against the cold, unforgiving floor of the ship. opening his eyes and letting out a groan, Max looked up just in time to roll out of the way of the skulk dropping upon him.
He twisted and rolled to his feet, firing spastically, in an attempt to fend off the beast. It lunged at him, tearing at his arm, and sending jolts of pain up his shoulder and into his brain. he dropped his LMG, and reached for his pistol with his good arm.
Max knew he was going to die. He felt fear as he never had, fear for his life, fear for his squadmates, fear for his race.
<We could taste the fear in that one. His blood covers the floor, pouring from his arm and neck. Time for us to move on. We must keep moving, keep building, expanding. We are changing. Parts of us remain the same, but there are new parts. We have the fliers now, helping us with their gas. We have the tall ones, with long claws and a thirst for combat. We must keep fighting. We must destroy all of them, who take our homes and stand in our way. Destroy the metal abominations which they built around us. We are succeeding. They are falling.>
"****, fall back!" Commander Harrison was yelling to his squad, but in vain. Most of his crew lay dead, weapons and corpses of turrets strewn about the hold. It was down to him and his last five men. "Get those shotguns and get back here!" he barked into his headset. Private Kearns picked up one of the shotguns, but was promptly crushed under the feet of one of the behemoth aliens, it's hooves grinding bone and armor alike.
"Alright, **** the shotguns, just get back here!" he yelled desperately. His men tried to run, but two of them were choking on spores and fell there, while another soldier, private Reid, was tangled in webs.
"Sir?" Private Gardner had made it back to the command station alive, with no weapons, save for his sidearm. Harrison logged out of the command station.
"Here Gardner, give me your pistol." He handed over his pistol without complaint.
"Now i want you to get the hell out of here, and tell the TSA what's happening over here, alright?" Gardner looked puzzled.
"But sir, what are you going to do?" He replied quizically.
"It doesn't matter, now get in the escape pod. You know how to work one, right?"
"Just get in and press the F4 button on the left panel, right?"
"Good. Now go!" Harrison ordered, as he checked the chamber in the pistol.
As he saw the pod speed off towards safety, Harrison felt somewhat relieved. He leaned into the command console, and popped a few medpacks down by the chair.
"This is it." he said to himself.
**End Transmission**
Comments
The F4 thing is genius indeed...
In that section you say "His blood covers the floor, pouring from his arm and neck." But, I don't think that this sentence really belongs in there.
As for improving your style, I didn't see anything that jumped out and said that it needed work. You have a very complete and well rounded style. I was impressed more than once when I read through it by the different things you chose to include. Keep it up!
<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
IMHO, I didn't like how you just said that the skulk popped out of nowhere. Remember that, as an author, you have to build anticipation in the reader, and you also have to make them read that, and say "wow... I'm glad I read that". The reader has to feel and see what the POV is stating.
Except for that, I think it's brilliant. It could've been longer, though <!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/wink.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink.gif'><!--endemo-->