An English Story
<div class="IPBDescription">need constructive criticism, judges?</div> Alright, today the english teacher, who btw is a kickass teacher, assigned us to write stories that have no relevance to the actual curriculum. It was suppose to be due at the end of the class, but she gave us to next class. Anyways, this story has no plot. This piece of writing I wrote is more of a description of what happened, the protagonist is human but in a sense isn't.
What I need is some constructive criticism on grammer, punctuation, and loop holes.
Thanks and kudos to who can figure what movie I got some of my ideas from.
The rover lurched forward, stuttered, and stopped to a halt. "All right, alright...Alright!!!" Robert screamed. "I know we're stuck here with no weapons to defend ourself, so we'll have to think of a plan, got that everyone?" Robert was boiling mad, with cold eyes, his voice, mincing, and nasty; the excavation crew had put all their high hopes in him since he was the leader. Maybe that was why he seemed to be on the verge of cracking all the time. He held his breath and whispered in a barren voice with clenched hands around the wheel, "all right, since no one is bright enough to volunteer a plan......" "Oh shutup, you've been standing around like a hero while we were digging on the location <b>I </b>picked," Chantelle jammered, while shoving her small and square face in his. Trying to withhold his temptation, Robert let loose, and jamming his angular face into hers across front-side seats, he roared, "<b>I SPENT MY WHOLE F###ING LIFE </b>looking for......" "Enough!, lets just shutup already, ok?" Dan with a tight mouth had interupted.
Night, entwined with the sun's setting, was slowly creeping in. The winds were shifting around in the dune sands at monsterous speeds with screeching howls accompanying it. I couldn't stand sitting in the fear and sweat-stenched vehicle, while "they" were still out there. Jimmy, my pet snake was still in my shirt pocket, thankfully. He was the only sensible creature out of all of us scared weasals. It was bad, just crazy bad. Griffin and Jesse were still dangling on the barbed fence with blood-stained fingers, Jesse with clenched hands over pieces of my collared shirt. Just moments ago I was sure as hell that my butt would be with them. Anyway, I didn't like them both, they were always purple with laughter over the stupidest things and they stunk like pigs. It was then that a sure-proof idea came to mind, but at that moment, a wash of terror flooded my nerves. One of the blood-thirsty creatures, gigantic in proportion and size, dove and stammered on the roof, "screeeeech!!! Klaka, Klaka, boom, boom, boom." Ripping the top it pierced Robert in the neck and flew away with an ear-numbing hiss. Total time lapsed: thirty seconds. The rush of cool-desert air awakend our senses, Robert's blood smelled like fear.
Night had arrived quicker than I thought; the two suns orbitting were perfectly covered by a large planet that just hovered into distance. A perfect eclipse, amazing, just amazing. Anyways, I had no time to think about twinkling stars and planets hovering above, Chantelle was panicking like a crying four-year old. " Get up! We have no time before the rest come here!" I exclaimed in a thunderous voice synonymous to a raging soldier who had just lost all his comrades in combat. She still didn't budge. "Fine! I don't care if you die, because I asked you and your not me, ok? Dan lets go..." "I don't know man, I mean man, I'm just scared man, you go," Dan with a shriveled voice replied. "Fine with me, you stay in this dinky fine piece of work, what you call TSA something bullshiat. As for myself, I'm getting out of here pronto." With concrete legs, legs use to digging holes for a living, I proceeded to get out of the half-destroyed vehicle. As soon as a I did a voice came into my head, it wasn't clear in what it said, but it sounded human. Sweat was trickling down my cheeks, hearbeat was rolling faster, the sound of the horror was circumambulate, what now? The voices suddenly quit and a vector jet appeared suddenly into view, salvation's hand had come. But to no avail it drifted off into the horizon, and darkness once again covered the void land. I thought I heard myself say fu## and a whole coast of swears, but lost focus, when the high-pitched screams of Chantelle and Dan echoed off in the distance; the legendary fiends, who the ancients use to call "Kharra," had killed them mercilessly. Slowly, but ever slowly, nervous systems reacting ever fast, minds shutting down, my turn would come any minute. All hope crumbled away.
Alone with no one to comfort or help me to the least, I was stranded and helpless. My mind, tormented by the thousand voices hideously crawling in my bio-genitcally altered brain, fate's echo ringing in my ear, to what would be the future as the present was being written? As I recall these moments, the recent past; as I am forever standing in the desert, it becomes clear that life isn't precious, but a waste of my time only to be terminated in a ill-fated manner. I hear it now, the voices, the screech and howls of the nether. It feels good to know that my hard journey is over, that no one will ever encounter the horror of what we discovered that day. I would be the last...
<i>End of transmission...
2310223020120021...Year: 3024
Past: executed
Present: terminated
Present time: 2120212.2...Year:4007</i>
<span style='font-family:Geneva'>He had no name, his body all gone, only to leave a small trace, a chip that recorded his phenominal mind. The chip was discovered by a Satine merchant in a system that does not fit the chip's desription. No one knows what happened or where it happened, but the truth still stands as it is, other life forms don't exist in the universe. What they uncovered on that expidition is still to remain a deep mystery. -Dr.Octhexic of the 9th Reich, TSA</span>
What I need is some constructive criticism on grammer, punctuation, and loop holes.
Thanks and kudos to who can figure what movie I got some of my ideas from.
The rover lurched forward, stuttered, and stopped to a halt. "All right, alright...Alright!!!" Robert screamed. "I know we're stuck here with no weapons to defend ourself, so we'll have to think of a plan, got that everyone?" Robert was boiling mad, with cold eyes, his voice, mincing, and nasty; the excavation crew had put all their high hopes in him since he was the leader. Maybe that was why he seemed to be on the verge of cracking all the time. He held his breath and whispered in a barren voice with clenched hands around the wheel, "all right, since no one is bright enough to volunteer a plan......" "Oh shutup, you've been standing around like a hero while we were digging on the location <b>I </b>picked," Chantelle jammered, while shoving her small and square face in his. Trying to withhold his temptation, Robert let loose, and jamming his angular face into hers across front-side seats, he roared, "<b>I SPENT MY WHOLE F###ING LIFE </b>looking for......" "Enough!, lets just shutup already, ok?" Dan with a tight mouth had interupted.
Night, entwined with the sun's setting, was slowly creeping in. The winds were shifting around in the dune sands at monsterous speeds with screeching howls accompanying it. I couldn't stand sitting in the fear and sweat-stenched vehicle, while "they" were still out there. Jimmy, my pet snake was still in my shirt pocket, thankfully. He was the only sensible creature out of all of us scared weasals. It was bad, just crazy bad. Griffin and Jesse were still dangling on the barbed fence with blood-stained fingers, Jesse with clenched hands over pieces of my collared shirt. Just moments ago I was sure as hell that my butt would be with them. Anyway, I didn't like them both, they were always purple with laughter over the stupidest things and they stunk like pigs. It was then that a sure-proof idea came to mind, but at that moment, a wash of terror flooded my nerves. One of the blood-thirsty creatures, gigantic in proportion and size, dove and stammered on the roof, "screeeeech!!! Klaka, Klaka, boom, boom, boom." Ripping the top it pierced Robert in the neck and flew away with an ear-numbing hiss. Total time lapsed: thirty seconds. The rush of cool-desert air awakend our senses, Robert's blood smelled like fear.
Night had arrived quicker than I thought; the two suns orbitting were perfectly covered by a large planet that just hovered into distance. A perfect eclipse, amazing, just amazing. Anyways, I had no time to think about twinkling stars and planets hovering above, Chantelle was panicking like a crying four-year old. " Get up! We have no time before the rest come here!" I exclaimed in a thunderous voice synonymous to a raging soldier who had just lost all his comrades in combat. She still didn't budge. "Fine! I don't care if you die, because I asked you and your not me, ok? Dan lets go..." "I don't know man, I mean man, I'm just scared man, you go," Dan with a shriveled voice replied. "Fine with me, you stay in this dinky fine piece of work, what you call TSA something bullshiat. As for myself, I'm getting out of here pronto." With concrete legs, legs use to digging holes for a living, I proceeded to get out of the half-destroyed vehicle. As soon as a I did a voice came into my head, it wasn't clear in what it said, but it sounded human. Sweat was trickling down my cheeks, hearbeat was rolling faster, the sound of the horror was circumambulate, what now? The voices suddenly quit and a vector jet appeared suddenly into view, salvation's hand had come. But to no avail it drifted off into the horizon, and darkness once again covered the void land. I thought I heard myself say fu## and a whole coast of swears, but lost focus, when the high-pitched screams of Chantelle and Dan echoed off in the distance; the legendary fiends, who the ancients use to call "Kharra," had killed them mercilessly. Slowly, but ever slowly, nervous systems reacting ever fast, minds shutting down, my turn would come any minute. All hope crumbled away.
Alone with no one to comfort or help me to the least, I was stranded and helpless. My mind, tormented by the thousand voices hideously crawling in my bio-genitcally altered brain, fate's echo ringing in my ear, to what would be the future as the present was being written? As I recall these moments, the recent past; as I am forever standing in the desert, it becomes clear that life isn't precious, but a waste of my time only to be terminated in a ill-fated manner. I hear it now, the voices, the screech and howls of the nether. It feels good to know that my hard journey is over, that no one will ever encounter the horror of what we discovered that day. I would be the last...
<i>End of transmission...
2310223020120021...Year: 3024
Past: executed
Present: terminated
Present time: 2120212.2...Year:4007</i>
<span style='font-family:Geneva'>He had no name, his body all gone, only to leave a small trace, a chip that recorded his phenominal mind. The chip was discovered by a Satine merchant in a system that does not fit the chip's desription. No one knows what happened or where it happened, but the truth still stands as it is, other life forms don't exist in the universe. What they uncovered on that expidition is still to remain a deep mystery. -Dr.Octhexic of the 9th Reich, TSA</span>
Comments
(Suggestion)Unless you want to risk the teacher thinking that "TSA" refers to a future version of today's "Transportation Security Administration," you may want to either find an appropriate place for a better description (or change the acronym and organization entirely).
hmmmm,
the whole "shape of face" thing is rather repetetive ain't it?
Grammar/Spelling:
'Ourself' should be 'Ourselves'.
Ellipses (...) are ALWAYS three stops. No more.
In the sentence:
"The winds were shifting around in the dune sands at monsterous speeds with screeching howls accompanying it", the subject is 'The winds'. Consequently, it is plural. Thus it should end 'accompanying *them*'. I'd personally put a comma in between 'speeds' and 'with', as it is a new clause. Still, that is optional. It is a descriptive sentence, and you deserve credit there. However, the use of the word 'shifting' personifies the wind. This could work better if you changed 'at monstrous speeds'. It doesn't fit. How can you shift at monstrous speeds? (Onyl one 'e' in monstrous too.)
'Lets' should be "Let's"
'Weasals' is spelled wrong. I can't think of the correct spelling of hand. Weasels?
Why does the creature' *say* 'screech'?
I've had enough now, but you get the idea. I'm not sure if a female teacher would find it that pleasant. (BTW, That was not meant as a sexist remark, it is honest opinion.) The theme of the story also makes you sound somewhat immature.
A step-by-step englilsh paper guide.
- tankefugl "The Yellow Dart" (in a tent)
Comedy at its best. "Jappenese cartoon" forever.