Monster, Part 17

DeepShadows · October 2003

<div class="IPBDescription">The last supper</div> I understand I've been very spaced between posts, and the chapters haven't been too long. I'm going to try to change that now that the story is to where, as I see it, the real story actually begins.

I can't make promises, because I'm juggling school and such. However, I will work on part 18 this weekend, and see if I can't have it up by monday.

Enjoy....

mobianwarrior.tripod.com/monster/part17.html
<a href='http://mobianwarrior.tripod.com/monster/part17.html' target='_blank'>Or, click here.</a>

once again, be a critic. If you do not know the story, or want to catch up, go to the same link, and hop to the main page. Feel free to write any comments about what you like so far, or where you think this story is going.

Keep in mind, this story is supposed to take place before 2.0 (Rather, the transition between the two) --

K, Ciao for now all - Have fun <img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/nerd.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='nerd.gif'>

PFCNublar · October 2003

Very cool. You've got quite the writer in you. Very creative with sticking in all those other quotes. Adds to the atmosphere quitesome.

Good Job overall <img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'>.

DeepShadows · October 2003

yey, feedback! <img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'> <img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/confused.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='confused.gif'>

Cyberoptic · October 2003

I just read the whole fanfic. One word: Superb!. I can't wait to read the next chapter.

Khaim · October 2003

Very good man, but don't keep us waiting for the next chapter so long! >.<

Parhelion · October 2003

It’s an excellent story – I hadn’t read it before, but as I went through all 17 chapters, I must say I definitely enjoyed the references to the Divine Comedy and the Lamb of God prayer, amongst other things. There are a few typos in there (I can remember “sense” instead of “since” near Chapter 12-13, but not the others) – if you want to correct them, let me know and I’ll go over the story again to find them. Please keep up the great work! <img src='http://www.natural-selection.org/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'>

Edit: I've gone back over the chapters a couple of times and I still can't find that sense/since typo I thought I saw...sorry about that, I was probably mistaken <img src='http://www.natural-selection.org/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'> Here are some points that I thought I'd bring up for you to check.

~~~

Chapter 4: "I noticed the marines looking up into the arched sealing." - "sealing" should be "ceiling".

Chapter 5: "There were pipes and vents all over the cieling.[/B] - "ceiling" should be "ceiling".

Chapter 7: "recourse node" instead of "resource node".
Chapter 7: "we would confront more than once before the end" - this is a bit awkward to me, perhaps "we would confront each other more than once before the end"?

Chapter 8: "C.C. - Ashura Demon: I've have been for a while." - seems like you have a spare "have" - is that intentional?

Chapter 10: "Take a tropical jungle, give it the flew..." - "flew" or "flu"?
Chapter 10: "It was a very disturbing practice, but necessary to insure the privacy of the user with the System." - I think "ensure" is the proper word here, since "insure" refers to the idea of gaining compensation after loss.
Chapter 10: "I got most of my experience watching hostes." - I don't know what you mean by "hostes"; do you mean "hosts"?
Chapter 10: "Company policy usually capped the function time around Six years." - unnecessary capitalisation of "Six".
Chapter 10: "Their speech is similar to that of a childs." - "childs" should have an apostrophe, i.e. child's.

Chapter 11: "Mr Samsa: Sorry, the comm. wanted to 'turret-farm' Cargo." and "Waste of res., Smiling Joe says." - I don't think the full stops are needed there, even though they are abbreviations.
Chapter 11: "He stood to great me." - that should be "greet".

Chapter 12: "Once again, my Journalist ways took over my common sense." - unnecessary capitalisation of "Journalist".
Chapter 12: "All I knew is I could see nothing through the meat..." - that again is a bit awkward; maybe insert a "that" between "is" and "I".

Chapter 13: "Since the incident (I have yet to think up a proper title,) I've been...different." - comma isn't needed.
Chapter 13: "We referred to the ship as the 'classy.'" - full stop should be after the quotation mark.
Chapter 13: "I am saying you're f***ing name." - "you're" should be "your".

Chapter 14: "Around my feet were boxes upon boxes of material sent by the TSA and a couple anomalous sources." - I think there needs to be an "of" in there: "a couple of anomalous sources".
Chapter 14: "...the skulk did not attack him, but rather knocked him to the ground, and ran passed him." - "passed" should be "past".
Chapter 14: "Did they trully not inform us because they did not know?" - "trully" should be "truly".
Chapter 14: "The half-life of the soul would be able point 464, assuming it no longer functions bellow 1 percent." - "bellow" should be "below".

Chapter 15: "Mr Samsa: Jack!." - unnecessary full stop.

Chapter 16: "I thus realised that I was breaking my new-years amendment to never become a psychological cliché." - "new-years" should be "New Year's" - hyphenated if you wish.

Monster, Part 17

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