38 Minutes
Rob
Unknown Enemy Join Date: 2002-01-24 Member: 25Members, NS1 Playtester
Unknown Enemy Join Date: 2002-01-24 Member: 25Members, NS1 Playtester
<div class="IPBDescription">One Man's Revelation</div> Hey guys, I finally got around to writing some more fiction. I give you "38 Minutes." The short story of one man's revelation and one man's finest hour. As always, let me know what you think, and poke around the other stuff on the site while you're at it. <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
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Comments
--Scythe--
Is there any more adventures coming to a screen near me, hehe, did you write more or do you intend to do any more.
Yes please.
Hmm, little episodic stories of personal growth of the team as they come back from their missions. Their fears, joys, hopes and frustrations as they get given new and more dangerous missions. The respect they garner from "combat" rines as the "combat" rines learn what they have been through, maybe from a recovering "combat" rine who goes back to his unit after "recuperating" and was given a "cushy" job to aid recovery.
Gets back to his unit and asks not to be given a "cushy" job again.
I doubt I'll do any more with these characters, but there may be other stuff down the line.
Beautyfull, touching. You really know your stuff.
GG
GG <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
I'm honored. The goal of a writer is to provoke feeling and action, and hearing that, I think I may just have pulled it off!
Thanks all, and now how 'bout some crits?
As I said in another thread, I don't really do criticisim. I will however say that my main criticism is I want MORE!
More charicter development, more backstory, more stories! (the greater charicter development would require more stories, as that incident is tightly wrapped up in a beautiful fanfic.)
You sir, rock!
Oh dear... I think that wandered a little off the whole criticism point...
<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->I turned and ran back for the transport, stopping beside of Ian, “Does the cannon still work?” I yelled at him as Halifax, Aki, and Lena opened into full automatic.<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Perhaps "Opened up in full automatic" would be a better choice of words. That last part in general so could be worded better, maybe. It didn't really flow that well like the rest of the story did. Other than that, I can't find any really gripes. Good read, again.
I choose kids because I wanted to bring up very strong emotions, and I think that context really works. But, I really do try not to be cliche...
Thanks for the critisicm! I'll take all you can dish out.
<i>“My fatigued eyes moved from Yakov’s face to the floor, across the rusty steal grating, to the indifferent beige walls...”</i> – “steal” should be “steel”.
<i>“Only it was lead by a Lieutenant, both the saving grace and the bane of the group at the same time.”</i> – “lead” should be “led”.
<i>“With an officer on the floor, you were sometimes exempt from missions that would put undo risk on said officer...”</i> – “undo” should be “undue”.
<i>“It was obvious to me early on that he was stuck here against his will; he wanted to be a fighter, not a Shepard.”</i> – should “Shepard” be “Shepherd”? Questionable capitalisation here too.
<i>“For twenty minutes we sat in awe; my hands sweat heavily on the controls of the 60mm cannon.”</i> – “sweat” should be “sweating”.
Apart from that (it’s a fantastic story, of course), the only last point of criticism from me is that I feel the description of Yakov’s death and the subsequent narration is ambiguous – what happened to the little boy? Did he die or survive? It’s not mentioned in the story what happens (although Private Miller returns to the craft seemingly alone), but if the boy dies like I assume, then “Yakov’s finest hour” is diminished somewhat. Conversely, if the boy lives, then maybe there should be some mention of him. I think the story is a bit unclear at this point.
Despite this criticism, I reckon it’s a great story with an elegant ending...nice work <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.natural-selection.org/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
***Spoiler***
On a side note, the boy does die. It's Yakov's finest hour not because he lived or died, but because he sacrficed himself in the service of another. From this perspective, the outcome is a bit more mute, and nowhere near as important as the act itself. Real life isn't as gratious as fiction, but that doesn't mean we should lessen the sacrifices of others when they don't work out.
Yes, that's true. But, the rest of the editions were riddled with typos and grammatical screw ups because YOU took the weekend off, and no one else would help my grammatically challenged butt.
plz?
pwetty plz?
...