Desert Planet
P-Khan
Join Date: 2003-05-27 Member: 16776Members
Join Date: 2003-05-27 Member: 16776Members
<div class="IPBDescription">After the TSA is destroyed......</div> Tell me what tou think of it. Depending on the response, I'll continue to write (when on holidays, next week <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->)
<u>Prologue</u>
After several years of fighting?? several years of pain and suffering??. after several years, the fight between the Kharaa and the Humans had ended. And we humans, we were almost completely annihilated. Luckily, a few of us managed to escape Earth, in small cruisers. However, we are now all scattered throughout the universe, and we are not a threat anymore to the Kharaa.
But this is not a story of how we succumbed to the aliens, but rather, how another resistance was formed. How Natural-Selection was formed, or simply NS. We gave us this name since we are determined to prove that evolution will chose us, that we will be the naturally selected. And by telling the story of the formation of Natural-Selection, I will tell the story of my father, the late, and great Sir Walton Fish.
My father managed to escape Earth when he was only 7. He saw his parents die in the launch area. Even though he was still young, he vividly remembers the killings. The civilians running to the last shuttle, chaos flowing everywhere. Marines shooting the incoming swarm of skulks, holding them off just in time for my father to escape. I remember the description, the horrid description he gave me.
?I was afraid. My parents pushed me inside the elevator, leading to the escape shuttle. I remember tripping inside, and falling to the ground. I got a scratch from the impact. As I looked backwards, I saw something jumping on top of my father. He fought against that?. thing?. and screamed to my mother ?Save him! Quick!?. She picked me up, and we entered the elevator. As it moved up, I saw my father falling moving around, fighting! Until, more of those things swarmed on him, like a hungry vulture would do to fresh meat. I closed my eyes, trying not to cry. It was then that my mother gave a shriek, and we both fell to the floor. She was on top of me, and her hair fell on my face. I moved them from my eyes, and I saw her face. I will never forget that face. It was a face of pain, of despair. She was screaming, and holding me even tighter. I didn?t know what to do, so I just closed my eyes, and waited for death. I heard a shot, and she was removed from me. Two men had gotten her, and tried to heal her. They looked at each other, and gave a mourning look. She was with her back opened, full of blood. He spine was appearing vividly, and blood did not stop poring. The two men flung her out of the elevator, and following her body came hundreds of those creatures who destroyed my father. I could not believe that she was killed! I tried to punch those two men, but what could a 7 year old boy do? They got me and lifted me up, running away with me ?You?ll thank me still you brat? one of them said. We ran into a shuttle, and he gave me to a marine, in the entrance of the shuttle. The man whispered something to the marine, and they both nodded. All I remember was being put onto a seat, and buckled up. All I could do was to look outside, as we left Earth. As we left my home planet.?
That?s how my father landed in this arid planet
<u>Prologue</u>
After several years of fighting?? several years of pain and suffering??. after several years, the fight between the Kharaa and the Humans had ended. And we humans, we were almost completely annihilated. Luckily, a few of us managed to escape Earth, in small cruisers. However, we are now all scattered throughout the universe, and we are not a threat anymore to the Kharaa.
But this is not a story of how we succumbed to the aliens, but rather, how another resistance was formed. How Natural-Selection was formed, or simply NS. We gave us this name since we are determined to prove that evolution will chose us, that we will be the naturally selected. And by telling the story of the formation of Natural-Selection, I will tell the story of my father, the late, and great Sir Walton Fish.
My father managed to escape Earth when he was only 7. He saw his parents die in the launch area. Even though he was still young, he vividly remembers the killings. The civilians running to the last shuttle, chaos flowing everywhere. Marines shooting the incoming swarm of skulks, holding them off just in time for my father to escape. I remember the description, the horrid description he gave me.
?I was afraid. My parents pushed me inside the elevator, leading to the escape shuttle. I remember tripping inside, and falling to the ground. I got a scratch from the impact. As I looked backwards, I saw something jumping on top of my father. He fought against that?. thing?. and screamed to my mother ?Save him! Quick!?. She picked me up, and we entered the elevator. As it moved up, I saw my father falling moving around, fighting! Until, more of those things swarmed on him, like a hungry vulture would do to fresh meat. I closed my eyes, trying not to cry. It was then that my mother gave a shriek, and we both fell to the floor. She was on top of me, and her hair fell on my face. I moved them from my eyes, and I saw her face. I will never forget that face. It was a face of pain, of despair. She was screaming, and holding me even tighter. I didn?t know what to do, so I just closed my eyes, and waited for death. I heard a shot, and she was removed from me. Two men had gotten her, and tried to heal her. They looked at each other, and gave a mourning look. She was with her back opened, full of blood. He spine was appearing vividly, and blood did not stop poring. The two men flung her out of the elevator, and following her body came hundreds of those creatures who destroyed my father. I could not believe that she was killed! I tried to punch those two men, but what could a 7 year old boy do? They got me and lifted me up, running away with me ?You?ll thank me still you brat? one of them said. We ran into a shuttle, and he gave me to a marine, in the entrance of the shuttle. The man whispered something to the marine, and they both nodded. All I remember was being put onto a seat, and buckled up. All I could do was to look outside, as we left Earth. As we left my home planet.?
That?s how my father landed in this arid planet
Comments
/me sets up camp and watches thread
Had to make this chapter quick, since I'm in school.... action comming on the next chapter <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->
<i>Chapter I</i>
10 years later, after humanity was scattered throughout the universe, my father had become a farmer in this drought-ridden place. He was not a farmer of plants, but rather, a farmer of water. Since the only place to find water was digging, my father spent most of his time underground, inside armadillo diggers. These were small, one manned vehicle, about the size the old M-1 tank, used during the 20th and 21st century. It was a very complex piece of machinery, which had a drill in the front and in the back. It could store 50 gallons of water, since they removed the water from underground and transported them to the surface.
I remember him telling me this story??
He opened his eyes? slowly looking at the clock next to him. It was flashing, showing that it was 7:00am. Another day of work?. another day digging for water. The room was mess, as always. There were socks hanging from the metal box, which inside was a gallon of water. This was to last a week. Next to his bed was an M-16 rifle, and a couple of clips next to it. Since most of the technology was destroyed, the weapons were extremely ancient, from the 21st century. To tell the truth, he was lucky to find this weapons, since most of his friends did not have any weaponry. My father slowly walked to the bathroom. He moved towards the shower and turned it on. A colorless liquid came, a bit more consistent than water. It moved down his body, and 10 seconds later, he turned the shower off. This was a sort of chemical developed by the scientists at Earth, for outer-space shower, since this could be manufactured with space dust. He got dressed, got his M-16 and the clips, and headed out.
The door slid open and my father went to the mess hall. He lived in a small colony of water farmers, as it was called. With him in the colony was his best friend, Jake Kingston, Jake?s girlfriend, Alicia, Alicia?s friend, Jena, and two other guys, Mike and Kit. He was the first one to wake up. He had the first water shift, meaning that he was the first one to start digging. He got a cup of water, and added some coffee powder into it. After his one coffee breakfast, he headed down to the docking bay, as it was called. There was his armadillo. After jumping in, he pushed some button and the panels around him began to glow brightly. The machine was alive. And it was heading into a long tunnel.
2:00pm. Time to stop digging. My father walked down of the armadillo and looked at the water tank. 2 gallons of water today? not bad, best crop of the week. He took out what seemed to be a grilled chicken and he ate it. It was dry the chicken, just like this whole planet. Couldn?t use any sort of liquid to make this better to eat. He opened the container of the armadillo and got come water. One cup would not make much difference in 2 gallons. He gulped the water with great please. But all of the sudden, he heard an explosion, which made him drop the cup with water. It came from the tunnel where he was. And from the camp!!
I haff found teh typo!
Other than that, I think my camp set up to watch this thread is perfect.
/me starts to build a bigger camp next to the thread
<u>Chapter II</u>
The armadillo arrived at the camp, stoping with a crash against a metal barrier. the lights which illuminated the landing zone were flickering like dieing candles. Sparks where flying all around, which lighted certain dark spots for a brief time, and then, darkness would engulf the place once again. My father got his M-16, a flashlight, and jumped off the armadillo. He had to find his friends, his brothers and sisters.
He ran towards the entrance of the camp, guns ready. As the door slid open, and he was in shock. The walls of the long corridor which united the rooms was covered with blood. One could still smell the stench of the crimson liquid, mixing with the foul odor of death. Painful, and cruel death. As he walked down the long, red alley, he could hear something moving amongst the metal floor. It was like the sound of two bones, hitting against each other. He opened the door leading to the mess hall, and another scene from hell appeared. The bodies of Alicia, Mike and Kit
Layed on the table was Alicia, with her clothes all torned, and her chest opened. Ripped opened. Her eyes looked at the cealing, motionless, as a stream of blood moved down her face, between her lifeless eyes. On the corner of the floor were the two bodies of Kit and Mike. They were loaded with holes, crossing their bodies, and with death moving down their faces. Funny. They were both twins, and even in death they looked the same.
And on the cealling, were two creatures. The same ones which killed my grandparents, my father's parents. Yes... they were what humans used to call skulks. He knew that since come books and diaries where left intact, and he managed to get hold of a couple of them. He knew that skulks, gorges and lurks exited. For him, that was it. Nothing else. My father aimed one of the skulks and fired a burst of hot steel. The ancient bullets still worked, and it managed to penetrate the armor of the skulks. What seemed to be the head was exploded, and the body fell down to the floor. Agil ceatures they were. The other beast jumped to the wall, with a screech. Then, it jumped on top of my father, which, luckily, only ripped his shirt. This time, the skulk was under the nozel of the M-16, and was soon anihilated.
My father took deep breaths, recovering himself from his near-death experience. He searched the other rooms, but they were all empty. He burried the three corpses, and got supplies ready. Jake and Jena where missing, and so where 2 armadillos. "They must have escaped" he thought to himself. He loaded his armadillo with the water that was left, got some rations, ammo, and fuel. 20 gallons of water, one week worth of rations, 5 clips of M-16, and some uranium packs. That was it.
He began to search the main control room, which opened the hangar door to the arid world, and began the self-destruct sequence. 5 minutes left. In the middle of the mess in this room, he found was a holodisk with some blood, written "Fish, see this". He quickly jumped into his armadillo and saw what it was. It looked like a map of the planet they were in. It showed some co-ordinates to a place, about 100km from there. It was showing Home, the only human city of this planet. There is where Jake and Jena went to. That was his new direction.
Once again, sorry for this one..... 24h of video games makes you tired. But almost a litre of coffee makes you, uhm, NOT sleepy.
But besides that, very good. I like the touch with the twins. Very original, I think <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->.
The general Story is good, and can be re-drafted.
Taking into account your marathon game feast...The last chapter is good.
But <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
Sometimes your Grammatical Structure.( Syntax)..is wrong..or just misfitted. e.g. . <b>Agil ceatures they were</b>..this 3rd party voice seems wrong amongst the rest of the story...reminds me of a Pirate <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
Also the fourth paragraph in chapter two is a bit of an anti-climax. Try using more description..e.g..characters thoughts, sounds and smells. By adopting more impact into the story, this inevitably will create a better read for the reader.
This means re-drafting..but if you can be bothered..will make it alot better.
Heheh, continued to writting this. I decided to stop writting in the view point of Fish's son. Easier for me.
<u>Chapter III</u>
The armadillo rumbled through the deserted planet. It had been a day since Fish left his camp, and was reaching Home. It was now about 100km north. He turned the wheel right and went towards the town. He kept wondering why these creature appeared and from where. Humanity wasn’t a threat anymore, since they didn’t have a specific planet, so there was no need to attack them. This planet could hardly be called a human planet. Home had only 1000 people, with an ‘army’ of 25 ‘soldiers’. But, it was the largest city in this arid place.
The machine moved towards a small hill, and over it was home. From far away, it looked spectacular. It had great, bulky walls surrounding it, and covering the city was a metallic alloy. In the middle of the city was the Tower of Sand, which looked over the city and warned the Council of nearby transports. Bright, red lights were blinking in the walls, indicating the entrances. The communication interface began to flash, and on the screen appeared with a man dressed in white at the other side.
“Please, transmit your ID”
Fish pushed a button next to his seat, and the transmission began to occur. The screen showed a bar which indicated how much of the transmission was done. Once it was all over, the soldier looked at Fish in amazement.
“Mr. Fish! We’ve been expecting you! Please, enter through Gate 1.”
The screen went black and Fish went towards Gate 1. “Jake and Jena must have warned about me” he thought to himself “Now I’ll get a nice welcome party”. As the armadillo approached the gate, the entrance opened up, shaking the ground with its mighty force. Fish entered the opening. Two claws got the armadillo and pulled it up, parking it in one of the upper platforms. As that was happening, he got all of his equipment and waited.
The exiting platform was put next to the armadillo and the hatch opened. Fish jumped outside and saw three soldiers approach him. They were wearing old armors, the ones the old Frontiersman used to wear. He noticed they were all with Heavy Armor and carrying HMGs. Something rare these days.
“Mr. Fish. You are under arrest, by order of the Council. Drop your weapons and bag and follow us”
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could you fix this statement please, been bothering me.
Later talk indicates that they were expecting him, and I'm assuming that's what you meant.
"Walton Fish. You have are being charged for bringing chaos to our planet"
An old woman rose from the platform. Next to her were four other humans. Another female, and three men. All of them were wearing the same uniform, which represented the high-council. The purple of the rope was a huge contrast between the silver of the podium where they were seated.
"We learned, through another two 'survivors', as they called themselves, that you were part of an alien invasion. Of course, we all know that this is a lie, since we, humans, have not been in contact with any other life forms in the last 10 years, since our beloved Earth was destroyed by the dreaded Kharaa" The other councelers nodded their heads as the woman spoke "What have you to say Mr. Fish?"
The air around Fish was getting heavier... As though the atmosphere was changing. It was fear. Fear of being executed. Fear of being killed. And the councelers noticed his fear. It was as though they could smell the smell of fear. And they enjoyed this smell.
"Ma'am, members of the council, I can assure you that whatever you were told is true. The two people which you are talking about is Jake and Jena, I suppose. What they told you is the truth. Everything they told you is the truth. Our camp was destroyed, and three of our collegues were killed."
"Silence!" the old woman scremed. "This is blasphemy! Everything you told us is a lie! You and your friends want to start chaos in our society, so that we fall and you can take over the council"
"Lie!? You are talking about lies?! What about you? You know this is true, but you just don't want to see it! Undesrtand it! You hope that everyone will live under this corrupt and false system of yours!" An LMG hit Finch in his stomach, making him fall on his knees
"Sir... you have no right to do these false accusations, and no right to insult the council. You will be sentenced to rot on High-Security Prison V. Guards take him away... I'm tired of hearing him" She slowly sat down and looked Fish right in his eyes.
She was worried. Fish could see it. She was worried that this was true, and that they would be attacked soon. It looked like things changed. Now he could smell her fear.
Two HMG guards entered the room, and handcuffed him. The stand where he was began to hover, and to move towards the exit, escorted by the two guards. Fish shook his head, with a slight disapoitment. Their blindness was going to kill them. In fact....
They were already dead.
<u>Chapter V</u>
A rat was silently eating some food he found on an empty corner. A nice piece of meat, which was someting rare to be found in the ground. He chomped it and gobbled the pieces. Suddenly, the ground began to move. He droped his food, and quickly ran towards his little hole. A man steped on the food of the poor rodent, and soon, another two rushed by the same place.
<i>Run Bob, run.</i>
The brown cloak was flying behind him, and his heart was pumping so fast, that it seemed as though his flesh would rip due to the pressure of the blood moving through his veins. A long piece of cloth was wraped around the whole of his face, only revealing his mysterious grey eyes. Mysterious, but yet, worn out.
"You there, halt now! Return that water!"
Two security guards wearing navy blue uniform were running after the enigmatic fellow. Both of them were grasping their pistols, shooting once in a while, but always missing. They turned a corner, still chasing the fugitive, and carried on running down the maze of alleys of the city.
A few minutes later, a figure came out from a dark corner, holding a small canteen. He opened the bottle, made some space through the cloth covering his face, and took a small sip of the liquid inside. Only a small one, enough to wet his mouth.
<i>Damn. The more I run, the more thirsty I get. And water is hard to find these days</i> He thought to himself as he moved slowly towards a door. He closed the canteen, and opened the door.
He found himself on a platform, over a crowded street, with vehicles moving around. Moving himself closer to the edge, he looked down, focused, like a hawk hunting a mouse. Turning his head to the side, he saw a truck comming closer, full of garbage bags. Putting his canteen inside his brown coat, he got ready for it to pass by. As he found his ride under him, the mysterious man jumped over the platform.
The wind soared pass by him, and with a soft impact, he landed on the litter. He managed to swim over the dry food, and got on top of the bags. When the truck stopped, he jumped out, and continued down a lonely street. The steps echoed down this alley, where he had just got. All one could hear was the footsteps of a lonley wolf, returning to his lair after hunting.
He entered this iron gate, and was greeted by three little kids, of about 6 years old, screaming joyfully.
"Daddy! You got home!" All of them ran up to him and hugged him in a warm, loving way. The man wrapped his hands around them also.
He took off the cloth around his face, and now, showed his true form. Behind those tired looking eyes was a man in his late twenty's, with rough skin and deep black hair. And behind that tired face, was a kind and loving heart, who would do anything for his children. He hugged them and kissed each one of them on their forehead. He got the canteen and showed to the children.
"I got it kids. Now, you can all rest. Tommorow, there will be no need to be thirsty like the last two days." He said that in a gentle voice, and with a smile. Inside his head, he was thinking <i>But I'll have to be thirsty. Only got enough for them</i>. He looked down at the childrens face, who were with their eyes glittering with joy. <i>But it's worth. It's worth...</i>
Tapping them on their shoulder, he carried them inside the house. The family faded away in the dark entrance.
I sure like this story, i hope to see more.