Unknown enemy: chapter 13

Rob · September 2002

<div class="IPBDescription">Battlefield</div>I've finally mustered the strength to get the next chapter out, if you care to read. At this piont I'm going to have to plan out the next few chapters, so it may take awhile again...not that it matters...

Anyway, what do you think?

<a href="http://hive.readyroom.org/writing/ue/ue.html" target="_blank">http://hive.readyroom.org/writing/ue/ue.html</a>

Let me know, please! Critisism welcomed!

QUAD · September 2002

/me reads as fast as possible

humbaba · September 2002

Very good stuff. Full marks all around. Cant wait to see the next part. <img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':D'>

Khaim · September 2002

AWSOME wrighting man, loved the first 12 and this one didn't dissapoint me a bit. Great stuff man.

realityisdead · September 2002

Don’t read this post if you haven’t read the story yet. Instead, go do so… read UE front to back. You won’t regret it.

Rob, you already know what I think of the first 12 chapters, and this is no different. Amazing work. <img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'>

I keep telling myself that this whole story would make for a sweet movie. It just flows so perfectly. I'm also really liking how you're introducing the alien abilities now... makes things all that more hectic.

The Onos vs. Cooper-in-tower scene was just awesome. The lerk spore cloud incidents were sweet. The Cooper w/pistol vs. Onos vs. Dropship scene gave me a slight chill it was so good. The final bit at the end there where Wilcox made his "We will win this" comment, and the guys radioed in right after affirming his comment... was just incredible in the way it was presented. Gave me the same kind of rush as the mine scene from chapter 12.

Things I'm noticing:

- In a sense, things seem to be coming to a close. Especially because of the tone of the last bit of the chapter there. That and the fact that everyone is getting together again. Wilcox, Blake, etc.

Buuut... It also seems like there's a lot more you want to get at as far as developing the characters and story goes. Perhaps nearing the end of Part II?

At least that's what I would do if I were writing it... end the Hera segment fairly soon here. I absolutely love what you're doing in it, but chapter 13 seemed really climactic to me. It would almost ruin the effect to pull through the hera segment any more.

It's a tough deal there though... Hera is so creative and unique in its design that I'm sure you've got a bunch of stuff planned... or at least there's a lot of stuff to do with it. And on the other hand, you don't want to have an anticlimactic drag here. An environment change could also be good just for the sake of having one. A bit of a refresher.

My personal opinion on the matter is that you move somewhere else fairly soon. If you do more stuff on hera, make these marines kick ### and do it in style. It's just what needs to happen right now in the story, to continue this incredible flow you've got going. Then... get them out of there, and end Part II. Ending the Hera segment would also make the entire place more memorable after people finish reading the story. That is, as opposed to keeping it on throughout the rest (or majority) of the story. You know... like when they leave a place in a movie. It actually becomes a place, not just... where the action is happening. Or... yeah.

I don't know what you have planned, and if this would contradict with it... but I'd see about maybe putting them through some real hell in Part III. Chapter 12 and 13 seem like they are setting up for an ending (to the entire story)... yet still quite a ways away from it. The way things are happening here is just screaming at me that Part II is coming to a close, and Part III is the final set. We've got everyone back together now, and they're winning. Now we need to get to the really dramatic final "Part" where some important people are going to die. You know... really dramatic.

Like I said, this is just my opinion, driving off of the current state and flow of the story. But I think it really seems like you need to get to part 3 and make it a powerful bunch of chapters. Mellow and descriptive at first.. perhaps tie up a few loose ends (or whatever)... and then set these guys on fire emotionally. They just won, (or are going to win), Hera (at least as far as their duties are concerned)... and are going to be really hyped up about it. Make them real happy after this... celebrate, have a few "good" things happen to some of the characters (Zerik and Mason, sitting in a tree)... and then bring on the hell. Add some dramatic incentive for these guys to rip the aliens apart (kill Mason <img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=';)'> ) and then put them through the worst fights they've ever seen. Kill off a few, raise their anger more. Then... let them win.

...

Or, for a condensed form ( <img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':p'> @ Flayra )... here's a rough proposed story flow list thing:

-In chapter 13, Marines pull through and win
-In 14, they go through a rush of ###-kicking and are very successful
-In 15, tie things up and make things good. Everyone is happy
End Part II
Start Part III
-In 16, they are introduced to their new "objective"
-In 17, they go to objective. Objective needs to be foreboding and dramatic.
-In 18, something happens to enrage the team or at least one member of it. Hint.
-In further chapters, massive amounts of fighting occurs with other dramatic things happening, and marines losing horridly. Good place for Cooper to crack. (see below) They eventually pull through it in an incredibly well written scene. Judging from previous chapters, you obviously wouldn't have any trouble achieving this. <img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'> (Compliment in disguise)

Oh... yeah. Anyway. Just sharing my thoughts. <img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=';)'>

Another thing I noticed:

- Cooper has been through a lot emotionally lately... and I think you've done a wonderful job showing this through his actions. At the beginning of the story, he seemed a bit reserved and mellow... now he's the cursing and violent. I love this, as it seems to be a direct effect of all the emotional stuff he's been through. First, the turret incident, then O’Neil leaving, then the Stone issue… it’s like you’re setting him up to crack, and I love it. He’s definitely a changed man now. Would be a good way to screw things up in the ending chapters for the marines.

Aaaaannnnywaaaay. Remember that these are just suggestions, regardless of the length of the post. I’m just really into the story, and thus have a lot of ideas for it. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the suggested story flow. All I know is that if you were to do anything similar to it, you would need to make things go REALLY good for the marines for a bit, before you start adding in the tears. Yeah. Great story, Rob... love it love it love it. I know the post is a random mess of thoughts, but see if you can pick any ideas out. Or something.

And no... I don’t have too much time on my hands. <img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=';)'> I really should have been doing a million other things tonight. Instead I opted to read the chapter and spend the rest of the night thinking and writing about it. It’s really that good.

Nice...

Scythe · September 2002

I'm going to have to be a mongrel here and say that I didn't like this chapter as much as any of the others. It was pure combat, not much character development. What about Willcox's blood problems? They seem to have disappeared. I like the alien combat scenes, very dramatic. But I think it needs a bit of something other than combat. And that dropship cruising overhead guns-a-blazin saving the day has been done a million times, that doesn't make it any less effective though. There was an excellent example of this in AvP2 in the Predator campaign. You were being helplessly rocketed by a Marine dropship and then you see two blazing balls of energy appear from over a mountain and vaporise two chunks out of the Dropship. Then a massive, ground-rumbling Predator huntship cruises over. Very cool.

Uhh... oh yes.

I think is was good, but not as good as the preceding chapters.

--Scythe--
the_only_scythe@subdimension.com

Gwahir · September 2002

your right in that it was mostly combat, but it was just a chapter in story, and still held some background information. It brought up a great deal of tension, faked a release, then gave prelude to release, if not actually fully releasing it, hard to tell until the next chapter comes along. But I liked it, it did feel very much like a movie. I wouldn't be surprised if you couldn't get this thing published as a book and some day, someone comes along with a film offer. If that happens, whatever you do, maintain as much creative control as you can possibly hold with two arms, two legs, a shirt, pants, and boxers.

Llama_Killer · September 2002

Ahhhh.......

RhoadsToNowhere · September 2002

Great work as usual, Rob.

*SPOILER*

I really liked your explanation of how Umbra messed up the dropship's automated targetting system.

Rob · September 2002

Thanks everyone.

/me thinks Ken is telepathic
Most of what you said is dead center one where I want to go with a few modifications. I've already got the ending all tucked away in the back of my mind. I want it end as mysteriously as it began, for a hint.

I know the dropship thing is, well...so I tried to fix it with the spored pilot. This entire chapter was, as Ken said, set up to get everything in place for the next phase of the story.

On a side note, Wilcox disobeyed orders to stay out of combat, and he'll have to answer for that.

Thanks again for all the great feedback, keep it coming, if you can <img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'>

realityisdead · September 2002

Edit: Oh, ok... nevermind. <img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'> Your reply wasn't there when I started this message.

Nemesis_Zero · September 2002

A great read, as always, Rob.

I won't comment on the plot, mainly because Ken didn't exactely leave much open, but there are some things I'd like to remark about your writing style:

- The parts that were told from Coopers point of view had some stylistic differences to the rest, which is a very good thing as it helps developing the characters. I'd really like to see more about that in the future.

- I know I said that before, but please make the fights more chaotic. Right now, I can see pretty well what affects what in which way - if you, for example, didn't tell people that the lvl5 just died, but simply that it was hit between its two horns, and added some more details (bullets ricocheting around the heroes ears, wind blowing smoke through the battlefield, mud splashing around etc.), the combat would feel even more 'authentic'.

- One of your big strenghts is the direct speech - use it!

Rob · September 2002

Thanks Nem, I'll try. It's really hard to switch your thinking all around like that, but I'll give it a shot!

Usually, I try to tell chapters from a certain character's point of view (well, lately anyway), and then give a switch every now and then. We'll see who's next. Although, it would be a bit harder to tell it from Mason or Stone's perspective, as I don't have a clue how women think...yeah...

Thanks again.

Trane · September 2002

a very enjoyable read. Im looking forward to the rest of the battle, or at least the escape... pretty intense, and I like the combat being specific so i can imagine it. If you want to add more detail feel free but dont get any less specific with the movements and stuff. It makes it like a movie somewhat. Good stuff

Heathen · September 2002

Well, having found NS only a week ago, and having just read the entire UE from beginning to Chapter13 here at work today, I have to say - DAMN! that's some good stuff. Thanks for all the hard work and some beee-ootiful writing, and well, DAMN again. <img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':D'>

More. Munch munch chomp gulp. More!!!

[End gush, begin constructive crit: you haven't really got your teeth into Lionz's character yet, not like you did for everyone else.

Sometimes you can say "frown" intead of "squint". <img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':p'> ]

Unknown enemy: chapter 13

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