For the mind.
HBNayr
Join Date: 2002-07-13 Member: 930Members
Join Date: 2002-07-13 Member: 930Members
<div class="IPBDescription">Please read, comment, and critique</div>I have a tad bit more than this sketched out in detail, and much, much more prepared in a broader sense. Character development, new technologies explained (very cool technologies, I like to believe...), and much suspense and danger in the works up here in my little mind. But I need comments, encouragement, criticism, and acknowledgement before I can continue ( curse this lack of motivation! ).
I'm not going to bother putting this on a page, so I just uploaded it. It's in rich-text format, as I figured most people would be able to open that in their browsers. If anyone is having any trouble, let me know, and I'll convert it to .DOC format.
-Ryan!
"Homer no function beer well without"
-- Homer Simpson
I'm not going to bother putting this on a page, so I just uploaded it. It's in rich-text format, as I figured most people would be able to open that in their browsers. If anyone is having any trouble, let me know, and I'll convert it to .DOC format.
-Ryan!
"Homer no function beer well without"
-- Homer Simpson
Comments
Sorry.
-Ryan!
"Simply stated, it is sagacious to eschew obfuscation."
-- Norman Augustine
Edit: OK....it's not getting converted to .DOC format. Anyone know how I might be able to do so with Windows XP? I can't find my MS Office CD anywhere, so I'm stuck with the deafult Word program included. Any help would be appreciated. The easier it is for you to read this, the better it is for us all.
Criticism? Complaint, even?
Help? Acknowledgement?
-Ryan!
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
-- Lily Tomlin
Any way its good in general and it's also in the unique position of being the first story (that I know of) that tries to tell it from the aliens point of view.
I really want to set a certain mood with the alien point of view, but I don't want to story to turn into a one-trick pony novelty. Is there anything really glaring I should try to correct, or anything I should try and add/do? Suggestions, comments, and more requested.
Thanks for taking the time to read it!
-Ryan!
Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with a cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.
-- Mark Twain
...
Oh My God, H'BNayr... this story... rocks. I would usually sit and try to find areas for improvement, or just write about the little things here and there that didn't quite "work" for me... but not in this. My only complaint about this is that I didn't get to read more.
I can't get over it, this thing is just wonderful. I love it!
Since I have no criticism to put in a nice orderly list, I'll go with "Things I Absolutely Love About This Story" or "Why 'For the Mind' Rocks" instead:
- The first scene. Like just out of a movie. You managed to make a two-person conversation... exciting. Excellent writing there, I just love the descriptive way it's presented. Detailed enough to present a clear and precise picture as to what you wanted to convey, yet it doesn't go too far into that department to the point where it gets boring. This applies for the whole thing, actually. Nice.
- Alien evolution. I like how you touched on this topic, and made an effort to clarify that this isn't a bunch of separate species. Something that I always tend to forget when reading fan fiction. Nice job on presenting it too... (first scene rocks! ;D )
- This has got to be one of the best parts about it: The way you presented the aliens as just another group of living beings trying to survive. They aren't the bad guys, and they don't want to confront the humans any more than the humans want to mess with them. This is exactly the point behind the two teams in Natural Selection. There isn't a good, or bad side... just two species of beings that don't necessarily "agree" with each other. Both sides just want to live on their own, without interference from the other side. I'm so glad you clarified that in this. Rock.
- <b>The</b> best part: The alien viewpoint and thought patterns. I absolutely love how you made her refer to the humans as "meat things". This is what is so great about this part... You gave her intelligence, yet she is <b>clearly</b> an animal in her thoughts. She is <i>afraid</i> of the meat things... she wants to find warmth... "a wall moved to reveal another room" (obviously a door)... the meat-thing skins (obviously some sort of suits)... the way her thought patterns were always "Danger, or no danger?"... the way she assumed that the suit room was a trap, and that the humans placed the warmth there as bait... how frantic she was when the door hissed shut, and as she tried to find the best place to perch as she waited for the humans to "come get her"... how she wouldn't go to the wall with the warmth on it because "the meat things would be expecting that"... the way she sees the button for the door that leads out of the suit room as a "different kind of wall". She's <b>extremely</b> intelligent, yet like you'd expect, doesn't think of things in the same way a human would. You've done an incredible job with this viewpoint. Really just incredible. This alien wants to <i>survive</i>, not just mindlessly kill the humans. All in all, the way you presented the alien viewpoint is what makes this thing so special in my eyes. Frrt-a's scenes are just incredible. What makes it even better is how drastically the scene descriptions change when moving onto a human segment. Suddenly you're describing things as a human would see or take note of them. It really makes the alien viewpoint all that much better and dramatic.
- Again, the descriptiveness... When the alien was trying to get on the other side of the wall, I could <i>see</i> it. Clearly. I think that you really deserve a lot of praise for this aspect of your writing. You didn't force a picture into the reader's mind with details such as which side of the room the alien is in, or what color the big guy's shirt is... instead you focused on what was really important to convey exactly what you wanted to, while leaving certain visual and other details up to the reader's imagination. I just love this style of writing. You tell us about how she extends her claws to the absolute extreme, and how the skin on her body "stretches" to try to capture all the heat it can... yet don't bother getting into the exact details of... how she did this. Or how the character's cigar ashes fall into his lap, yet you don't bore us with a full description. In some cases you tell us is -just- enough to get a clear picture in our minds of what you wanted to present... and let us imagine the minor details. Yet in other scenes, you go all out on detail. You really seem to have hit a nice balance there, and obviously know how, and when, to distribute your detail. This really makes things easier to read and quite dramatic. Just. Rock.
- Last scene. Again, the dialogue is like as if right out of a movie. A well-written and dramatic one at that. Nice.
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Yeah. This story rocks. Extremely professionally written if you ask me... it just has it in it. I'm sure there are others out there that are going to read it and find room for improvement (nothing wrong with that, good for them), but I'm just really blown away by this. I can't get over how it left me feeling emotionally. It wasn't a "I hate the aliens, DIE!" or "I hate the humans, DIE!" kind of thing. It was almost like watching two close friends fight at each other over a very grave and serious situation. You don't want to see either party hurt, yet the fight is inevitable. You're helpless to do anything but just sit and watch it unfold. And they haven't even begun actually fighting yet! Extremely dramatic.
Incredible story, H'BNayr. And this was just a couple scenes. I literally cannot wait to see the rest. If you don't continue on and finish this, I will <i>kill</i> you.
Like ken said, the alien parts are SO well done. It feels like you're in the head of scared animal, fighting for their life while they just want to be at home, curled up under the hive, reading a good boo...errr <!--emo&;)--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=';)'><!--endemo--> And you style is so well done, I can evision each character in my head perfectly, and see them walking down the hall or swooping down through the air.
I love the alien name Frrt-a! I took a double take when I first read it, not understanding what was going on and thought you had gone nuts. But, after figuring it out, it sounds perfect for an alien name. It sounds like some alien grumble sound that they would use to communicate.
As for you telling both sides of the story, it's almost as revolutionary as the NS gameplay. I really can't wait until you get both characters into the same area, and they have to interact with other or something along those lines. Will be really cool to see how they handle, especially when you can see into the minds of both of them.
And as Ken said also, it felt like I was reading a loose movei script, where it was delightfully left up to the imagination where needed. You guide the readers mind down a road, and it just takes off at 100 MPH with your skills, truly amazing!
Now, I could babble on as long as Ken did, but in short this story gets the same honor as rob's. Printed off and kept for safe keeping! <!--emo&:D--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':D'><!--endemo--> Keep up the awesome work!
i'm not good with reviewing stuff but, tho its kinda short it is by far the first fan-fic outta the 'tales from the frontlines' post that i actually read through.
I'm really looking forward to your next installment!
But I have to agree with the others, this is a very different and exciting way of explaining the NS universe.
Great work, H'BNayr.
NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!
<!--emo&::asrifle::--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/asrifle.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt='::asrifle::'><!--endemo-->
<!--emo&::asrifle::--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/asrifle.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt='::asrifle::'><!--endemo-->
<!--emo&::asrifle::--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/asrifle.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt='::asrifle::'><!--endemo-->
Just, wow.
You know, I've always wanted to be a writer. Not as in, learning how to write, but actually writing and getting paid for it. I never would have imagined, though, that I would get this kind of reaction. I'd lay down now, but my head wouldn't fit on my pillow.
I'm glad to see that everyone that has posted has liked it. To one extent or another. <!--emo&;)--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=';)'><!--endemo--> Like I said, I have only a tiny bit more written out, but quite a bit more planned. What I really need now is a strong, harshly-worded critique. If you read it and like it, say so. But really look for that one thing that just kind of stood out against the grain, that one thing that just didn't flow very well. The story will come, one way or another. But is there anything I really need to improve in my style? Any glaring errors (except for one misused word I noticed re-reading it again today...don't remember where) that should be corrected? Anything in the story itself that just doesn't work out well?
And one more favor, if you don't mind. If you really liked the start, point it out to some other people, when you get a chance. It would be a huge ego blow-up if, say, Cory, MonsE, or even Flayra came by and posted. They don't even have to say they liked it. Just, "I read it." would suffice.
Wow. You've sent it all to my head. I'm making waaaaaaaay too big of a deal out of this simple little blurb.
Sorry. You won't have to put up with it too much longer. Just until I deflate...
-Ryan!
One death is a tragedy, one million is a statistic.
-- Josef Stalin
Heh, I'm way ahead of you there. <!--emo&;)--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=';)'><!--endemo-->
I'm honestly going to have to have a bit more content in front of me before I can take note of serious flaws in this. Not that I'm exactly in a qualified position to do so, heh. It's really hard trying to pick out a flawed trend or common mistake (whatever) out of the amount that's written here. I'm sure there's someone else who will be able find some pointers for you though.
I just know that this "felt" like a professionally written story to me, regardless of any flaws or errors.
<!--EDIT|ken20banks|Sep. 27 2002,22:28-->
Dr. Harker. You can't but predict that he and Frrt-a will meet someday.
I want to see more!
--Scythe--
Again, you need to spend a lot of time writing. I wanna read more of this. You really nail the way it feels to play as an alien. In a sense, reading the hive sight becomes like feeling. It becomes intuitive and I get that same sense in reading from the alien poitn of view.
I'm also excited to see how Mr.Harker is developed as a character. It should be interesting.
More more more!
<!--EDIT|humbaba|Sep. 27 2002,23:40-->
You've really captured the spirit of NS and managed to make the two sides neither good nor evil and quite different from each other. Yet, seeing both sides navigate and interpret their environments shows that they may not be quite as different as first thought. It's a fine line but I think you've got it.
Long live Frrt-a!
A little more deapth in the descriptions would be nice (both setting and characters), but otherwise very well written.
I found the exploring alien section a little vauge and meandering, prehaps aliens would rely on memories from other members of the hivemind, rather than rediscovering everything anew with each body?
Also NS aliens need to cocoon (briefly) to evolve, rathern than the "as you go" method you described.
That totally blew me away. Just-freakin'-wow.
<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td><b>Quote</b> </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"><!--QuoteEBegin-->A little more deapth in the descriptions would be nice (both setting and characters)<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span id='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
This was something I'm working on myself. I'm telling the story from a third-person limited point of view, so I want to make sure to keep the descriptions limited to what the character notices. For example, I originally had Dr. Harker notice a set of video cameras pointed outside the warehouse, and realize that the TSA was watching him all the way up the street. I also had the descriptiveness of the hangar laid out in greater detail. I ultimately decided that it bogged down the story; I wouldn't expect an xenobiologist without previous military training to notice much more than the sheer scale. Perhaps he will notice it when the shock has passed, but it didn't fit in too well, just yet. Frrt-a is in a new world here, and it's very hard to be able to describe something without using words that she would not use. I can't really describe her stepping into a reactor, with a huge pool of water in the center of the room. She wouldn't know what a reactor was, and might notbe familiar with water, or may not be able to identify it, if she were. It's fun to write from the alien point of view, but difficult, when you have a very specific description that you can only hint at. Hopefully, the shock will pass for Dr. Harker, and the setting will flow much easier. As far as Frrt-a's world goes, I'm just not terribly sure how I will end up going about describing the world. When the infestation starts growing throughout the facility, though, she should be able to recognize more and more. I just hope I have the talent within me.
I also tried to avoid describing the looks of the important characters too much, as I wanted the reader to put in the faces they imagine. But, looking back over it, you're probably right. Any detail "noticed" by the character here and there would really help set the atmosphere.
And for describing the thoughts and motivations of the characters...I have much of it planned out. I just wanted to introduce the characters first, and then move into the internal conflicts with my next writing batch. Followed, then, by the external conflicts. <!--emo&;)--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=';)'><!--endemo--> Again, I hope my plans work out as well on paper as they do in my head.
<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td><b>Quote</b> </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"><!--QuoteEBegin-->I found the exploring alien section a little vauge and meandering<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span id='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
As I said, the alien section was the most fun to write. I wanted to introuce Frrt-a the these "meat-things" for the first thing, as a totally new experience. But, while it may be the most fun, it is, simultaneously, the most difficult. She has had no experience in this new world of stright lines and hard edges, so it would end up being a little vague. The only thing I could do to fix this, though, would be to tell some parts from a third-person objective point of view, and I don't really want to back too far away from the characters. I want the reader to feel what's it's like to be in their head. Do you, or anyone else reading this, have any suggestions on how I might make Frrt-a's section a little less meandering?
<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td><b>Quote</b> </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"><!--QuoteEBegin-->prehaps aliens would rely on memories from other members of the hivemind<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span id='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
I wanted to set this biology up, but all the other members of her Hive perished on the way, and I didn't want her reaching across light-years to listen to the nearest Hive. But this is a good point, and when the infestation starts to grow, I'll make sure to have any "new" aliens rummaging through Frrt-a's own memories. Perhaps they might find something there that even she does not remember...
<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td><b>Quote</b> </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"><!--QuoteEBegin-->rather than rediscovering everything anew with each body<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span id='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
She still has all of her previous memories; none were lost when she changed her form. The idea I was trying to convey was not that she was discovering everything anew, but, instead, that she had no prior encounter with the "meat-things," aside from their arrogant attack of her peaceful Hive on whatever un-colonized planet she came from. She grew up and loved in a vastly different environment. This place of metal and sharp angles is confusing to her. Is there something I might be able to do to make this idea a little more clear for my reader?
<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td><b>Quote</b> </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"><!--QuoteEBegin--> Also NS aliens need to cocoon (briefly) to evolve, rathern than the "as you go" method you described. <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span id='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Actually, I was trying to avoid the transition period. Frrt-a started as a skulk, when you need meet her, she is a lerk. I didn't describe the transition period, but in later parts (some of which I already have written out), I do make it clear that it does take time to change form. I didn't describe it in detail, partly because it would be instinctive to Frrt-a to cahnge form, and partly because I wanted to avoid her confrontation with the meat-things she encountered in the facility she landed in. This opening of the story is set for atmosphere, the action will be forthcoming soon.
And I just realized that you may be referring to the parts of the story that I describe Frrt-a's skin thickening, expanding, or darkening. I felt that small transitions like this would be acceptable. She's not removing or adding mass, and she's not changing her form radically, either (ie- from a skulk to a fade); she is merely adapting her form in little bits and pieces. Such small transitions would be instinctive (imagine how much you would learn about the ability if you grew up with it), but could still be done in small bits at a time. If it DOES become an issue with any of the team, or many other people, I would be glad to change the story, but I don't want to make her cocoon to change from a lerk to a lerk with slightly thicker skin. I'm saving those parts for the radical changes...changing classes, and so forth.
Thank you very much for the suggestions and advice, Chrome. I'll try to work on descriptive language more, and hopefully inspiration will strike, if no suggestions are forthcoming. And, hopefully, future exertions with Frrt-a won't be so vague. Suggestions here would be helpful, too.
Any other suggestions, hints, tips, praise, or complaints welcome! These comments are really helping shape up the way I want to write the next section. Thanks!
-Ryan!
"The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity."
-- G.B. Shaw
Kudos for jumping bravely into the alien perspective!
Check your messenger inbox.
Jeff
H'BNayr, I just love your story, its exactly how I wanted the aliens to be and I hope it becomes official (presuming J.Paris hasnt anything up he sleeve).
2 things really, I agree with you that small changes shouldnt need cocooning, it should be automatic like our pupils dilating, done without us even thinking about it and its not like your totally re-writing DNA.
The other thing is slightly negative, why did you choose to call Frrt-a a female? I dont know if its simply to make it easier to write or for us to understand and if you had to pick a sex, female is more appropriate as it automatically conjures up certain stereotypes that will allow us to sympathise with Frrt-a more (peaceful, emotional, completely different way of thinking <!--emo&:D--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':D'><!--endemo-->, etc).
Still Im not sure it would be an appropriate way of labeling them, do they have sexes? Do they even have sex? I presume Frrt-a is going to set up a hive and produce others and yet there is only one of her (even I'm using her now as its just easier to write that way).
Anyway, I think its brilliant and I do hope you continue this story, Ive read all the fan-fic so far and the alien viewpoint makes this one of the most stimulating reads so far for me (I am a big alien fan, btw I absolutely loved that trap idea of hers, it wouldnt even have occured to me if Id written it). The marines just arent as appealing to me and I almost had to stop myself from skipping to the next alien section, that said, one of the things that drew me most to NS was this whole universe that was created, the possibilities just seemed staggering.
Again, well done, keep it up etc, cant wait to read some more about Frrt-a (which, imo, isnt too bad a name, not a single x or z in it which is good, I pronounce it Frurt-ah, dont like having to roll my r's in my head).
You pretty much hit the nail on the head. I refer to Frrt-a as a female in the pronoun sense, not because she's female in the sense we might think of her, but because her thought process resembles that of a woman more. She is not agressive unless provoked, and then will die defended her home. She is sometimes timid, but always curious. She takes note of her emotions, and, of course, loves to shop for shoes. <!--emo&:p--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':p'><!--endemo--> I needed some pronoun to label her with, and "it" was too de-humanizing. I want the reader to care about Frrt-a's well-being, you know?
And as for the pronounciation, I didn't even think about rolling the "R"s in my head, but that adds a whole dimension to it. Frrt-a can be pronounced any number of ways, and they all sound alien.
Thanks for the feedback! I'm working on re-writing a few parts that need touching up, and the revised copy should be ready in a week or two (working long hours every day this week, no free time). And, hopefully, the scenes I've been sketching out will be ready in time for NS's release!
-Ryan!
"A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice."
-- Edgar Watson Howe
any news/updates ryan?
Work smothered me for about two weeks, but I've gotten a little bit more. I actually have a lot more sketched out than I have had, but I wanted to fix a few things in what I already have out, as well as make Frrt-a's section more clear. Jeff Paris has generously loaned a bit of assistance, as well, so work is proceeding smoothly. Hopefully, when all is done, the story will be good enough to be an "official" story. We shall see.
But there is progress on the story, but no updates until the manual comes out. Sorry, folks.
Hopefully, though, I will have the "meeting" typed out by that time...
Be prepared.
-Ryan!
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-- Jeff Stilson
It's a fantastic piece of work, and I look forward to seeing more!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
plz..someone help me.
breitenback@charter.net
Unfortunately, I no longer have the bits I originally posted here, as they have mutated a bit through my re-writings. If anyone DOES have the original story I posted here, I would appreciate it if you PM'd me. Maybe I can convince someone to update <a href="http://hive.readyroom.org/" target="_blank">The Hive</a> (or just host it myself).
Sorry. But I hope to have the next installment done by the time the manual comes out, but I suppose I should insert a "When it's done" here. <!--emo&;)--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=';)'><!--endemo-->
-Ryan!
"Living involves tearing up one rough draft after another."
-- Anon.
W00t!
It's now hosted on <a href="http://hive.readyroom.org/" target="_blank">The Hive</a>.
Thanks a lot, LnL.
-Ryan!
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
-- Sue Murphy
waiting....can't wait <!--emo&:D--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':D'><!--endemo-->