Unknown enemy: chapter 14

RobRob Unknown Enemy Join Date: 2002-01-24 Member: 25Members, NS1 Playtester
in Fan-Fiction Forum
<div class="IPBDescription">Marcus arms</div>Doh, three whole weeks.  Ah well.  Anyway, he's chapter 14, if you'd like:

<a href="http://hive.readyroom.org/writing/ue/ue.html" target="_blank">http://hive.readyroom.org/writing/ue/ue.html</a>

let me know what you think.

Edit: BTW...this is the PartII finale...I sorta forgot to mention that...yeah...*cough*



<!--EDIT|rob6264|Oct. 13 2002,08:48-->
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Comments

  • Cork2Cork2 Join Date: 2002-07-10 Member: 905Banned
    awsome just awsome. I love this story i hope there is alot more chapters. You know when your done you ought to make a book from this it will be easy but you's make alot of money of of it maby i think. but yea awsome story hope next chapter has alot of battles plus i want the team to survive.
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  • RobRob Unknown Enemy Join Date: 2002-01-24 Member: 25Members, NS1 Playtester
    Thanks for the read!
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  • GwahirGwahir Join Date: 2002-04-24 Member: 513Members, Constellation
    I've been waiting a while for this! <!--emo&:)--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'><!--endemo-->

    /me reads

    edit: Very nice, please try not to overdo it in the dream department though, and I think the first word was supposed to be "on" not "one."
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  • Llama_KillerLlama_Killer Join Date: 2002-07-30 Member: 1029Members
    Yay

    /me goes off dancing in street!
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  • Evil_Sonic_Death_MonkeyEvil_Sonic_Death_Monkey Join Date: 2002-08-09 Member: 1125Members
    /me corrects Llama Killer
    /me stops Llama Killer
    /me tells Llama Killer its not dance
    /me shows Llama Killer how to donce
    /me donces 24/7 while waiting for ns to release, then donce 23/7
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  • GwahirGwahir Join Date: 2002-04-24 Member: 513Members, Constellation
    you'll only play NS for one hour each day?
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  • RobRob Unknown Enemy Join Date: 2002-01-24 Member: 25Members, NS1 Playtester
    Thanks fellas.

    Although...my posts seem to atract the chatter.
    /me sighs
    Ah well
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  • GwahirGwahir Join Date: 2002-04-24 Member: 513Members, Constellation
    cheer up fella, we all know your writing is worth a couple hundred selling copies in print, and that's before it's turned into a movie...
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  • SeblySebly Join Date: 2002-08-14 Member: 1156Members
    Someone should write a book for NS, just like their was a book for Halo (Great book you should read it).
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  • liquidscriptliquidscript Join Date: 2002-01-24 Member: 35Members, Constellation
    That's what this is.
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  • GwahirGwahir Join Date: 2002-04-24 Member: 513Members, Constellation
    aye it is, and I've read the Halo one.  I'd say it's decent, though there are a few problems here and there.  ex. unless I managed to turn several pages the wrong way and then go exactly back where I left off without noticing it, therre are places where a few paragraphs are exactly the same and give a feeling of deja vu.
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  • realityisdeadrealityisdead Employed by Raven Software after making ns_nothing Join Date: 2002-01-26 Member: 94Members, NS1 Playtester, Contributor
    edited November 2002
    Finally got around to reading this chapter! Really great, rob. <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' valign='absmiddle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo--> Has me anxious for the next one already... awesome setup. I don't know how useful these comments might be, but...

    <b>Dream Sequences:</b>

    -The dream sequences are very interesting. They introduce a lot of suspense and foreshadowing. I'm <i>really</i> dying to know what this flash of light is every time they get attacked (assuming that it's not something really obvious that I'm missing).

    -While they're a great, mysterious foreshadowing tool, and while they're only used a couple times, I think it could have been better off if it happened less frequently. Or at least just... spaced apart more.

    I know this probably won't happen, as you've stated that you won't be going back to rework previous chapters, but: It would have been cool (and probably would have added to the suspense even more) if a similar dream sequence happened at the waaay beginning of the story. And then have the issue forgotten, to later return in this chapter, where the reader is like "Oh... yeah. Forgot about that, I wonder what's going on here."

    -The foreshadowing is obvious. Maybe a little too obvious? I mean, it's awesome knowing beforehand that these guys are going to get ripped to shreds and tossed, limbs flailng, to the woodsiecreeps on their next outing. Really creepy feeling. But like I said, it's maybe a bit too obvious, and rather then feeling all fuzzy inside when the ambush/attack/hellfight/whatever happens... the reader might be like "Heh, I knew it."
    From what I can think up, there's a couple options you could take the angle from here. One, you could drop the dreams for a while, and slowly work your way up to the actual 'event' with occasional hints or blurred dreams sequences... Another, you could keep up the steady pace of the dreams, gradually revealing more and more details about the mystery stuff (the light, etc)... or, the version I would personally go with... you could maybe die down on the frequency a bit, but not let up on the obviousness of the foreshadowing. The reader will assume he knows everything, and will think he's ready for the 'event'. Then you, of course, pull the rug out from under his feet and <i>prove him wrong</i>. Make him think, "Whoa... I didn't think of THAT...". You know, have it 'work out' both ways. It makes sense the obvious way, which everyone will be predicting... yet makes even more sense in the actual-way-that-nobody-thought-of. I guess it could be kinda hard to pull off in this particular situation, considering that "The Obvious Way" is "The Good Guys are going to get Ambushed to Hell on their next Outing". Would be kinda hard to pull off something totally unexpected there.... So maybe just little details could be styled in this "Whoa, didn't think of THAT" fashion? Or maybe even just throw the reader off by making him wrong in his prediction of <i>when</i> it's going to happen. Continuously even. "NOW it's going to happen...". Might make it all that more dramatic when it actually does happen. The reader may not even consiously think about these things, but it might make it 'somehow more dramatic' in his mind if little tricks like this are played.

    Knowing you, this was already probably your plan, but yeah... <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' valign='absmiddle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->

    <b>Anyway...</b>

    I'll try to reply again later with some more thoughts/suggestions on additional specific points (like O'Neil, the zerk/mason issue, etc).

    I really love what you've got going here though. The mood is relaxing breather from the previous action, yet at the same time suspenseful/foreboding. You've also done a great job with scenes like the MarcusArms Misfire Accident which keeps the chapter true to the story's action-filled heart. But it's still relaxed. Nice. <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' valign='absmiddle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->

    Can't wait for the next one!
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  • RobRob Unknown Enemy Join Date: 2002-01-24 Member: 25Members, NS1 Playtester
    Thanks Ken!

    Hopefully I can sort out this dreams disaster in the next chapter.
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