A blind guy walks into a bar, picks up his seeing eye dog, and starts swinging it around by its legs. The bartender says "Hey, what the heck are you doing!" and the blind guy responds "Oh, don't mind me. I'm just looking around."
Guy walks into a bar, its PACKED full of people. He see's some steaks hanging down and a dog underneath and asks the bartender whats happening. What are those steaks for? were having a bet, you guess if the dog will reach it or not if you lose you buy everyone in here a drink, if you lose everyone buys you a drink. Nah, i dont think ill bet, the steaks are to high.
So this guy walks into a bar, and orders three shot glasses of scotch, downs them, and leaves. He does the same thing every day or so for the next couple of weeks. One day, the bartender says "Hey, you want me to put those all in one glass for you?"
And the guy goes "Nah, I like it like this. See, I have two other brothers over in Scotland, so when I drink like this, I feel like we are all together."
So the bartender gives him three seperate shots. The next day, the guy walks in and only orders two. The bartender says "What's wrong? Did something happen to one of your brothers?"
And the guy goes "Nah, they're fine. I just quit drinking."
err, seriously, here's one I heard on IRC. I can't remember who told it originally though, so I can't give credit where credit is due...
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says to the pirate "hey man, you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants!" to which the pirate says "Yarr, its driving me nuts..."
A man was at bar and he was drinking. Then suddenly a panda enters the room. The bartender looked at the panda, horrified. The man, that was drinking, looked at the panda and offered it something to eat. The bartender then suddenly ducked under the counter right before the panda finished eating. It brought out a handgun and started shooting everyone in the room, except for the man who gave it something to eat. After the panda finished shooting he left the bar. When it left, the bartender came out of hiding. The man who gave the panda some food asked the bartender, "What happened?" The bartender replied, "You idiot! Don't you know a panda always eats, shoots, and leaves!”
A man walking in to a fish shop with a big tuna under his arm and he said to the fishmunger " do you sell fishcakes?" and the fishmunger said "yes why?" then the man said "good because the it is tunes birthday!"
if you dont get that joke OMG you are dumb because a lot of people say i dont get it!
<!--QuoteBegin--Ginger+Oct. 19 2002,18:44--></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td><b>Quote</b> (Ginger @ Oct. 19 2002,18:44)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"><!--QuoteEBegin-->i have another lame joke for you people!
a man walked into a bar..
ouch!!!!!
and another lame joke!
A man walking in to a fish shop with a big tuna under his arm and he said to the fishmunger " do you sell fishcakes?" and the fishmunger said "yes why?" then the man said "good because the it is tunes birthday!"
if you dont get that joke OMG you are dumb because a lot of people say i dont get it!<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span id='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd--> <!--me&Legionnaired--><span id='ME'><center>Legionnaired weeps for the human race. </center></span><!--e-me-->
FamDiaper-Wearing Dog On A BallJoin Date: 2002-02-17Member: 222Members, NS1 Playtester, Contributor
<!--QuoteBegin--Tomodachi+Oct. 19 2002,23:17--></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td><b>Quote</b> (Tomodachi @ Oct. 19 2002,23:17)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"><!--QuoteEBegin-->A man was at bar and he was drinking. Then suddenly a panda enters the room. The bartender looked at the panda, horrified. The man, that was drinking, looked at the panda and offered it something to eat. The bartender then suddenly ducked under the counter right before the panda finished eating. It brought out a handgun and started shooting everyone in the room, except for the man who gave it something to eat. After the panda finished shooting he left the bar. When it left, the bartender came out of hiding. The man who gave the panda some food asked the bartender, "What happened?" The bartender replied, "You idiot! Don't you know a panda always eats, shoots, and leaves!”<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span id='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd--> I heard a much different version of this joke. *shudder*
Panda walks into a bar, orders a sandwich, shoots the waiter, and starts walking towards the door. The bartender says "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter!" And the panda goes "I'm a panda. Look it up." So the bartender gets out his dictionary:
Pan.da: Tree dwelling herbivore. Eats shoots and leaves.
Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Dave with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Dave, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some tape and taped my ##### to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Dave. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face .
Two buddies are walking their dogs down the street, with the intent of getting some shopping done. When they reach to store, they are surprised to find a brand new "No Pets Allowed" sign hanging in the store window.
"Well," the man with the chihuahua says, "I suppose we should just turn around and go home."
"Naw," the man with the German shepard says, "just follow my lead and you'll be fine. Here, put these sunglasses on."
The man with the German shepard walks into the store, and when the manager comes over, the pet owner tells the manager that's he is blind, and the dog is a seeing eye dog. The man with the chihuahua puts on the sunglasses and follows his friend's lead.
"Excuse me, sir," the manager waves him down. "I'm sorry, but we don't allow pets in here."
"It's my seeing-eye dog."
The manager looked skeptical. "They gave you a chihuahua as a seein-eye dog?"
The pet owner gts an expression of surprise. "They gave me a chihuahua?"
-Ryan!
"Very few people can afford to be poor." -- George Bernard Shaw
A guy walks into a bar, and there's a really really short man playing the piano. The guy walks up to the counter and sits down, at which point the waiter says "psst, guy. I have this magic lamp. Inside is a geenie that will grant you one wish". So, the guy takes the lamp and a genie comes out. The guy says "I wish for a million bucks!" Suddenly the room is filled with a million ducks. The guy then says to the bartender "Hey, you didn't tell me he was hard of hearing!" So the bartender replies "Hey, do you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?
A guy walks into a bar and sits at the counter. He tells the bartender "Psst, I have a problem, I have an incredibly small ***TURRET***. So, the bartender says "No problem, just drink this, and go on the street. Every time you bump into someone and they say "Pardon me" your ***TURRET*** will grow another inch! The guy drinks it and heads out on the street, and he's bumping into lots of people and his ***TURRET*** is growing plenty, so he's happy. Suddenly he bumps into some other guy who says "Ah, so sorry sir, a thousand pardons"
LMAO i agree with you woogy,lol. A naked man with a woman on his back goes to a fancy dress party. They go to walk in when the bouncer says: bouncer: you cant come in here like that, its a fancy dress party. man: i am in a dress bouncer: what are you? man: a turtle bouncer: whats she? man: Michelle
Necro<insert non-birthday-related title here>Join Date: 2002-08-09Member: 1118Members
that paul thing is down <!--emo&:(--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/sad.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':('><!--endemo-->
This is the only joke I can ever remember on a moments notice:
Two gies that work for the gas company are walking down the street, checking all the meters. When they get to the end of the street, they realize that there truck is all the way at the other end. So out of boredom, they agree to race eachother back to the truck. They run back up the street as fast as they can, and when they get back to their truck, they see a women running behind them. "Why are you running behind us," One of them ask the lady. "Well," the lady explains "I figure if I see two people from the gas company running, I better run too!"
Comments
Oh, you want a joke?
I am sane!
Ahahahahahahahahha....
why did the baby cross the road?
because it was stappled to the chicken...
that was crap i know but i will post a better one later
<!--emo&:D--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':D'><!--endemo-->
What are those steaks for?
were having a bet, you guess if the dog will reach it or not if you lose you buy everyone in here a drink, if you lose everyone buys you a drink.
Nah, i dont think ill bet, the steaks are to high.
So this guy walks into a bar, and orders three shot glasses of scotch, downs them, and leaves. He does the same thing every day or so for the next couple of weeks. One day, the bartender says "Hey, you want me to put those all in one glass for you?"
And the guy goes "Nah, I like it like this. See, I have two other brothers over in Scotland, so when I drink like this, I feel like we are all together."
So the bartender gives him three seperate shots. The next day, the guy walks in and only orders two. The bartender says "What's wrong? Did something happen to one of your brothers?"
And the guy goes "Nah, they're fine. I just quit drinking."
err, seriously, here's one I heard on IRC. I can't remember who told it originally though, so I can't give credit where credit is due...
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says to the pirate "hey man, you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants!" to which the pirate says "Yarr, its driving me nuts..."
a man walked into a bar..
ouch!!!!!
and another lame joke!
A man walking in to a fish shop with a big tuna under his arm and he said to the fishmunger " do you sell fishcakes?"
and the fishmunger said "yes why?" then the man said "good because the it is tunes birthday!"
if you dont get that joke OMG you are dumb because a lot of people say i dont get it!
a man walked into a bar..
ouch!!!!!
and another lame joke!
A man walking in to a fish shop with a big tuna under his arm and he said to the fishmunger " do you sell fishcakes?"
and the fishmunger said "yes why?" then the man said "good because the it is tunes birthday!"
if you dont get that joke OMG you are dumb because a lot of people say i dont get it!<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span id='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
<!--me&Legionnaired--><span id='ME'><center>Legionnaired weeps for the human race. </center></span><!--e-me-->
I heard a much different version of this joke. *shudder*
Panda walks into a bar, orders a sandwich, shoots the waiter, and starts walking towards the door. The bartender says "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter!" And the panda goes "I'm a panda. Look it up." So the bartender gets out his dictionary:
Pan.da: Tree dwelling herbivore. Eats shoots and leaves.
over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl
at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an
erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Dave with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked
up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Dave, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul,
"but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got
some tape and taped my ##### to my leg, so if I did,
it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Dave. "So I get to her door," says Paul,
"and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face .
"Well," the man with the chihuahua says, "I suppose we should just turn around and go home."
"Naw," the man with the German shepard says, "just follow my lead and you'll be fine. Here, put these sunglasses on."
The man with the German shepard walks into the store, and when the manager comes over, the pet owner tells the manager that's he is blind, and the dog is a seeing eye dog. The man with the chihuahua puts on the sunglasses and follows his friend's lead.
"Excuse me, sir," the manager waves him down. "I'm sorry, but we don't allow pets in here."
"It's my seeing-eye dog."
The manager looked skeptical. "They gave you a chihuahua as a seein-eye dog?"
The pet owner gts an expression of surprise. "They gave me a chihuahua?"
-Ryan!
"Very few people can afford to be poor."
-- George Bernard Shaw
<a href="http://midgarswamp.tripod.com/paul.swf" target="_blank">http://midgarswamp.tripod.com/paul.swf</a>
A guy walks into a bar and sits at the counter. He tells the bartender "Psst, I have a problem, I have an incredibly small ***TURRET***. So, the bartender says "No problem, just drink this, and go on the street. Every time you bump into someone and they say "Pardon me" your ***TURRET*** will grow another inch! The guy drinks it and heads out on the street, and he's bumping into lots of people and his ***TURRET*** is growing plenty, so he's happy. Suddenly he bumps into some other guy who says "Ah, so sorry sir, a thousand pardons"
A naked man with a woman on his back goes to a fancy dress party. They go to walk in when the bouncer says:
bouncer: you cant come in here like that, its a fancy dress party.
man: i am in a dress
bouncer: what are you?
man: a turtle
bouncer: whats she?
man: Michelle
for those wh odont get it.. ME SHELL.
Q)What do you get if you drop 10 hyenas into a bowl of boiling water
A)A laughing stock
<!--emo&:D--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':D'><!--endemo-->
BTW, that insane thing is brilliant
her's something funny to add
<a href="http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/gayspiderman.html" target="_blank">FUNNY AS HELL</a>
Click on the link above ...
<!--EDIT|Moleculor|Oct. 22 2002,21:33-->
Two gies that work for the gas company are walking down the street, checking all the meters. When they get to the end of the street, they realize that there truck is all the way at the other end. So out of boredom, they agree to race eachother back to the truck. They run back up the street as fast as they can, and when they get back to their truck, they see a women running behind them.
"Why are you running behind us," One of them ask the lady.
"Well," the lady explains "I figure if I see two people from the gas company running, I better run too!"
<!--emo&::asrifle::--><img src="http://www.natural-selection.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/asrifle.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt='::asrifle::'><!--endemo-->