Zinj
BadKarma
The Advanced Literature monsters burned my house and gave me a 7 Join Date: 2002-11-12 Member: 8260Members
The Advanced Literature monsters burned my house and gave me a 7 Join Date: 2002-11-12 Member: 8260Members
The air was dry, dusty. The landscape was barren, but beautiful with it's strange rock formations. It was a large valley, an empty sea actually. Whatever animals had lived in it's swirling blue waters were long dead, and the skeletons of long dead behomoths was proof positive. The barren scene was betrayed by the huge amounts of life that sprung forth at night, animals of all shapes and sizes. Reptiles, mammals, organisms so new that scientists havn't even named them yet, let alone categorized them. And sitting in the middle of this dustbowl of hidden life was the Cohasset Mining Corporation's first outpost on the planet (actually, it was <i>the</i> first outpost on the planet, how Cohasset had pulled it off no doubt involved cold cash and threats), nicknamed "Zinj" by the workers, after the lost Congo city. Zinj was not a production facility but a surveying site. It was staffed by a team of 8 scientists and technicians who actually did the testing and they were supported by 10 roughnecks, large men who did the grunt work. As it was a new and uncharted planet, there were also 5 security advisors, mostly ex-military, although their leader, Captain Murphy had no actual military training. The facility was made up of 5 buildings, the living quarters being in the centre of the square. Making up the sides were the toolshed, security terminal, motor pool and the transformer room. The living quarters included a rec room, cold lab, hot lab, infirmary, maitenence/armoury, pantry/kitchen and radio room. The entire facility was fenced by a thin mettalic fence. It didnt appear sturdy, but the 10,000 volts that ran through it kept out the large gecko like creatures that roamed the wilderness at night. The facility is about to wake up...
If it's alright i'll do more, if not i'll scrap it.
If it's alright i'll do more, if not i'll scrap it.
Comments
One thing i would recommend... paragraphs.... it needs to be split up to be eye-easy to read...
Other than that you have a very firm handle on descriptive writing.... good job.!
~Jason
really good detail though
It was dawn. The nocturnal animals were returning to their burrows. The rising sun laid a eerie thatchwork of shadows from the rock formations on the desert hardpan. In the facility, security always wakes up first, about 5:45. The team had only been on site for a week and it had been this way since day one. The five men, Mikhail Gregorovich, John Stems, Bill Hawkins, Kahega Malawi and Captain Murphy all arivved at the same time, having synchronized thier alarms. Kahega, having a small gift for cooking, started up the oven and prepared ten eggs and a side of bacon for the men.
"Weather sposed to be nice today." said Hawkins.
"Man who knows, the weather here dont make no sense and those dumbassed techs never get it right." replied Stems.
"Da, weather is same all time anyway, never rain, never cold, only hot." said Mikhail.
"Yea man, but it's a dry heat." grinned Hawkins.
"What's ETA on the food Kahega?" interrupted Murphy.
"Almost done boss! Over easy eh?"
The group sounded off with the affirmitive.
In the roughnecks bunks, the men were starting to rise. Slowly, they shuffled off into the showers. Hank Wile, the foreman, was a very large and imposing man, however he always looked after his men, assuring their loyalty with a firm but fair authority. After the usual bitching and moaning, they managed to drag themselves to the mess hall, just as the security was leaving. As far as professional relationships went, the roughnecks and the security got along pretty well, with both groups seeing the techs and scientists as overpaid, overeducated snobs. Some rightfully so.
"Left the oven on fellas." called Kahega.
"Yea thanks man." said Wile. "George, your turn." he said to a small wiry man with a deceiving intelligence. Again, eggs and bacon.
In the tech quarters, most were still sound asleep. All the Zinj staff worked long days, but the techs and scientists less so. However, the leading supervisor, Hal Elliot, was just rising. He jumped off his bunk and shook his bunkmate, Peter Stillman, awake.
"Pete! Hey wake up! I want those core samples and seismo readings ready before the thugs start working, so get up!"
"Yea man, just hold on. Jesus it's early." Stillman slowly got up and dressed and headed to to the hot lab without breakfast. Stillman usually subsisted on coffe, as did most of the techs. The rest showered, the men waiting for the two female scientists, Sarah O'Connor and Beth Ross to finish just out of courtesy. They all arrived in the canteen much as the roughnecks had, just as the other group was leaving.
"Hey Elliot, I think George left the oven on, and the bacon is out." said Wile. Out of all the technical group, Wile saw Elliot as the most likeable, a good guy stuck with a **** job.
"Thanks Hank. Sarah, would you mind?"
"Bacon n' eggs, comin up."
Outside, the security team had begun thier early sweep. Kahega had already cut off the fence power from the security terminal, not needing to work the generators in the day. The four other men walked the sides of the facility, each using a pair of exspensive binoculars with an AK-44 ( the Cohassest corp. spared no exspense.) rifle slung across thier backs. Just as Mikhail was at the end of his fence, he spotted something about fifty yards away. The sun glare off the desert mica made it hard to make out, so he spotted it with his binocs. He recoiled from what he saw.
"Boss! You need to see this!."
More to come no doubt. Tell me what to fix or change please.
I'm not a good writer myself so i can't give any usefull help..
~Jason
"What is it?"
"I don't know boss, I see shape out in desert, I look with binoculars and see something torn apart."
"Well, we should get a look at it, probably nothing though."
Murphy and Mikhail jumped the de-activated fence and walked towards the shape. When they got closer, it became apparant what it was. It was one of the large gecko creatures. They were typically quite aggressive, but this one wasnt going anywhere. The creatures were normally six feet long, about 160 pounds. This one was not impressive, it was scatterred over a large area, guts and innards mangled.
"****, this thing is toast. Jesus, what did this?" said Murphy.
"I dont know boss, we should get doctor, Sarah O'Connor is name?"
"Yea, good idea."
Together they hopped back over the fence and headed towards the main quarters.
Inside, the roughnecks were just waiting for the survey site results from the techs. One group of men had started a poker game.
"Ha! Two pair, hand me that muffin."
"A flush is more than two pair of 2's ****."
"Not likely! Comon man, hand me that thing!"
"Shutup will ya?" said Wile. "And a flush is more than two pair."
Elliot was just heading to the hot lab to check on Stillman. He managed to overhear some of the poker game as he walked past and chuckled to himself.
When he arrived at the lab, he found Stillman looking out the window.
"Pete, how did the samples come out?"
"Great, theyre postive. Hey lookit this, I think security's found something out there."
Elliot glanced at the window, but wasnt interested.
"Listen Pete, don't worry about it. I want you and five of your guys out at the site, bring a couple of Wile's guys with you too."
"Yea alright." Stillman said, reluctant to turn away from the window.
"Elliot! Hey Elliot! I need to see you here, right now!" called Murphy.
Elliot, drawn away from the successful samples was slightly irritated.
"What, what do you want?"
"I need to see that doctor of yours, we found something out here."
"What is somebody hurt? I don't know if she's good enough if somebod-"
Murphy cut him off.
"No, no one's hurt, we just need her to look at something."
"Yes, alright. Sarah! Get over here!"
Murphy had sent Kahega with the survey team, along with the roughnecks and techs. Then Murphy, Mikhail and Sarah walked down to the dead gecko.
"You werent kidding, this thing is a mess." O'Connor said.
"Yea, we need to know what did it and how long ago."
"Well, just from what I see here, its been torn apart. Violent thrashing, by a good set of teeth i'd say. Funny, it's not like its been chewed."
"Chewed?"
"You know, to eat. This thing was just killed in the quickest, easiest way, then left to rot. Strange."
"Why wouldn't it eat what it killed? That's what animals do right?"
"Yes, but if it was a territorial dispute, this could have happened. I'd like to bring it back to the lab for dissection and autopsy though, if possible."
Murphy and Mikhail exchanged a glance, but obliged the doctor.
The trail to the site was bumpy, but not particularily dangerous. The two trucks, one drived by Kahega, the other by Wile's second man, George Stark. When they arrived at the site, they were shocked by what they saw. Huge quantities of the gecko creatures were dead, strewn about. There must have been hundreds of corpses. As the techs dismounted, some of them gagged from the sickening sweet smell of decay. Kahega immiediatly called Murphy on his radio.
"Boss, this is Kahega, i'm at the survey site. There are lots more of those dead gecko's, all done just like the one this morning. Please advise situation, over."
I would really like a spot of guidance, even some basic ****.
I haven't got the time right now to read it all but I hope to get the chance one exams are done. I suppose my only tip is to be patient or just accept that not many people view these forums, well to critique anyway.