Writing Experiment
I have to show my parents that i am good at writing so i would appreciate any crits on this writing. I chose to do this because rat12321 told me i should write a book .
PFC Iriquois was tightly strapped ito the seat of the dropship among him were many that were conscripted into the whole mess. It started at Chau Sara when the confederate marines were sent to take out a rebel outpost. The whole operation was a mess half of the marines there died in vain. Private Iriquois had been part of the team sent to the outpost. The interior of the dropship turned a sickly red and the captain yelled in "1 minute till drop get ready!" the marines yelled "HOOAH!". The back door blasted open and sent the valiant soldiers straight into the gaping mouth of hell. Tracers flew about as the 2nd Battalion fought against the Zerg swarm. Gunfire erupted hellishly out of the earth. Private Iriquois scrambled to the nearest pillbox. He slided in the narrow opening and ducked down in an attempt to escape the massacre. Iriquois overheard his corporal screaming into his mic "WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN PRIVATE?! I CANT HEAR YOU OVER THIS **** SPEAK LOUDER!!" One of the soldiers subsequently repoted in "Rats moving in fast!" Privat Iriquois drew his c-52 gauss rifle and switched to the 40 mm grenade. He aimed at the center zergling and fired. The high explosive punched directly through the carapace and landed soft in the zerglings main organ he exploded taking 5 of the bastards. The soldiers saw their que and gunned them down. One zergling made it to the pillbox and lashed at a soldier's face. He dropped his gun and screamed "Oh GAWD GET IT THE HELL OFF AHHH GAAAAAD!!" The corporal drew his pistol and jammed it in the zergling's mandibles He fired endlessly until he ran out. The zerglings' head was no more. "Hawls, get over there and patch him up! NOW!GO!" "God damn it! Jones stop squatting and fight! " Jones quivered "I cant." "WHAT THE **** DOES THAT MEAN !?" FIGHT BOY FIGHT!!" The sentence was ended with a gigantic step. An Ultralisk was making its way to the nearest pillboxes. "OH ****! JONES THAT IS THE REASON TO FIGHT!! SHOOT THE DAMN BLASTED THING SHOOT IT!!" The Ultralisk made it's way up to Private Iriquois and swiped its tusks at him. Private Iriquois screamed and landed in a puddle of his own own intestines. The last that he heard was the pounding of the gauss rifles wasting away the last moments of life and for a moment he felt happy for he was joining his team in somewhere far away.
::edit:: i posted this here because i need crits fast. ::edit::
PFC Iriquois was tightly strapped ito the seat of the dropship among him were many that were conscripted into the whole mess. It started at Chau Sara when the confederate marines were sent to take out a rebel outpost. The whole operation was a mess half of the marines there died in vain. Private Iriquois had been part of the team sent to the outpost. The interior of the dropship turned a sickly red and the captain yelled in "1 minute till drop get ready!" the marines yelled "HOOAH!". The back door blasted open and sent the valiant soldiers straight into the gaping mouth of hell. Tracers flew about as the 2nd Battalion fought against the Zerg swarm. Gunfire erupted hellishly out of the earth. Private Iriquois scrambled to the nearest pillbox. He slided in the narrow opening and ducked down in an attempt to escape the massacre. Iriquois overheard his corporal screaming into his mic "WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN PRIVATE?! I CANT HEAR YOU OVER THIS **** SPEAK LOUDER!!" One of the soldiers subsequently repoted in "Rats moving in fast!" Privat Iriquois drew his c-52 gauss rifle and switched to the 40 mm grenade. He aimed at the center zergling and fired. The high explosive punched directly through the carapace and landed soft in the zerglings main organ he exploded taking 5 of the bastards. The soldiers saw their que and gunned them down. One zergling made it to the pillbox and lashed at a soldier's face. He dropped his gun and screamed "Oh GAWD GET IT THE HELL OFF AHHH GAAAAAD!!" The corporal drew his pistol and jammed it in the zergling's mandibles He fired endlessly until he ran out. The zerglings' head was no more. "Hawls, get over there and patch him up! NOW!GO!" "God damn it! Jones stop squatting and fight! " Jones quivered "I cant." "WHAT THE **** DOES THAT MEAN !?" FIGHT BOY FIGHT!!" The sentence was ended with a gigantic step. An Ultralisk was making its way to the nearest pillboxes. "OH ****! JONES THAT IS THE REASON TO FIGHT!! SHOOT THE DAMN BLASTED THING SHOOT IT!!" The Ultralisk made it's way up to Private Iriquois and swiped its tusks at him. Private Iriquois screamed and landed in a puddle of his own own intestines. The last that he heard was the pounding of the gauss rifles wasting away the last moments of life and for a moment he felt happy for he was joining his team in somewhere far away.
::edit:: i posted this here because i need crits fast. ::edit::
Comments
All in all it reminds be a little of clancy's style of writing. Remeber, a good story is good because its worth reading, not because the characters go through bigger or better advantures then everyone else. A good theme compleatly makes the story.
Connect your sentences. "PFC Iriquois was tightly strapped ito the seat of the dropship among him were many that were conscripted into the whole mess." This, and many other lines, don't sound fluid or correct. Try for either "cause and effect" "this happened so this also happened" or "statement, additional statement". Make sure you have the punctuation for what you intend it to read as.
Use paragraphs to break up blocks of text, for dialogue, and to set the pace of reading.
Spell check, and proof read several times. You're going to need it.
Read a lot of other good books and get a feel for how you want to write your book; if it's action, try Matthew Reily, etc.
Start out with easy tasks until you get good at writing. Don't just start out with a book as if you even get anywhere remotely near finishing the story, you will look back and notice a severe change in writing styles and competence as you progress through the book. That isn't the final product you want to show to your parents.
Good luck, and write and read a lot, otherwise you'll never get better.
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->PFC Iriquois was tightly strapped ito the seat of the dropship among him were many that were conscripted into the whole mess.<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Correction:
Private First-Class Iroquois was strapped tightly into the seat of the dropship. Surrounding him were many who, (un)like him, had been conscripted against their will into this whole mess.<ul>
</li><li>Don't start a sentence, let alone a story, with an abbreviation.
</li><li>I assume you're using the Native American tribe, which is spelled "Iroquois."
</li><li>"was tightly strapped" <- suffers from "to boldly go" syndrome. "was strapped" is a single, two-word verb, and should not be split by an adverb.
</li><li>into, not ito.
</li><li>"dropship among him" is either the end of one sentence and the beginning of a second, or in dire need of rewording. If you want to keep it one sentence, try "..seat of the dropship, surrounded by many..."
</li><li>"many who" instead of "many that" because they're people, not objects.
</li><li>I added "(un)like him" to connect or disconnect Iroquois from his fellow soldiers; right now there is no relationship at all between them.
</li><li>"were conscripted" is the wrong tense. Since you're writing in past tense, you need to use "had been conscripted" to describe something that happened even prior to the events of the story.
</li><li>"this whole mess" instead of "the whole mess" to add immediacy and connection.
</li></ul>My version, followed by some whys:
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->The dropship whined through the thin, choking atmosphere, just minutes from its destination. Private Iroquois shifted uncomfortably against his harness, panning the cramped interior of the ship to see two dozen other men just like him: young, uncertain, undertrained, and most conscripted into service against their will.<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd--><ul><li>Introduce the setting - a dropship - before you introduce the character. Stories frequently begin by "interruption" - either interrupting a character or interrupting the action. In this case, the character isn't doing much and the action/setting is a stronger grounding point, so introduce it first.</li><li>"shifted against his harness" -- This describes him being strapped in without saying "he was strapped in." Instead, you can say something more about Iroquois himself - in this case, that he's uncomfortable.</li><li>The next sentence is similar. The "panning" segues from Iroquois to the rest of the troops, who are then described more completely and reflecting back upon Iroquois again - "young, uncertain, undertrained, and ... conscripted into service..."</li><li>Commas and periods, to paraphrase Penny Arcade, tell readers where they should stop and breathe. Use commas to connect two thoughts into a single, more interesting sentence (which tends to make my sentences too long ^^).</li><li>Use periods, of course, to *end* sentences. Don't be afraid to end sentences, but do try to mix up the length of your sentences. A short sentence is much more noticeable and pointed if it's preceded by a longer, less immediate sentence. Long sentences can be used to describe enormity -- describe the battle when the door opens using a longer sentence, and the reader will tap into the scope of the fighting. Of course, make sure said longer sentence is still grammatically sound. (;</li></ul>Harsh criticism, I know, but hopefully for the best. If you're going to post a revision here, please at least hit the spell- and grammar-checker before you do. People seem to have forgotten they count for anything these days.
Just so I get an idea of where you maybe *should* be as a writer, how old are you/what year of school?
Oh, and a last side comment: if you're trying to impress your parents, picking a video game as a theme might not work. Not that it's any less legitimate, just that parents don't get it. (;
Everyone else I want you to notice. Not just "Good." Not just "Horrible." BUT REASONS/SUGGESTIONS to support. <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Sorry... off on a tangent.
Ditto. But that's just grammatical and writing-style points; I wonder how it would fair as a story. =] Coil, you've pretty much just sealed your fate by providing a helpful response to a member of the community. Now everybody else has seen how useful you can be; you're screwed!
Aside from my premonition of whoring out coil's C&C skills, can the original poster of the thread come back with some comments, acknowledgements and revisions? We're here to help, buddy.
I know the character's being loud because he's screaming. I wouldn't use all-caps in proper writing. It looks tacky.
It does look very promising though.
Fixed.
coil = my hero
[I require paragraphs in order to edit things, so...pffft, and stuff.]