First To See, First To Die.
monk3y
Join Date: 2003-10-30 Member: 22139Members
Join Date: 2003-10-30 Member: 22139Members
<div class="IPBDescription">Before Six days in sanjii</div> This story takes place on the Sanjii before Fajid and his team of marines arrived onboard.
Men and women screamed in agony as demonic brown dogs tore them apart. After Mutilating each body they would run on in search of more prey. Men screamed as they fired their tiny machine pistols, you can hear each "ping" as each bullet casing fell onto the blood soaked floor. Then the "click" and that was the last sound they heard before someting leapt onto them.
Magnai watched security camera in horror and in disbelief as these little dogs tore through a room full of lightly armed civilians. A dog creature jumped on a man with a machine pistol, he wailed around trying to fling it off but it was no use, the creature seemed as if it was amused at this futile atempt, then chomped at his neck, his machine pistol splashed unto a warm pool of blood next to a pile of bullet casings. The last man in that room held his rifle, blasting away at the shadows, not knowing whether his rifle shook from recoil or from fear, the ammo counter read 34, 17, 9 , 2 then the dreaded "click". A menacing dog creature came out of hiding, it showed its teeth as if it was grinning and gave a low chuckle as it slowly crept forward and leaped. The man coudn't even feel himself think as his instincts kick in making him pull out his 17 inch, silver plated, stainless working knife and struck the air in front. Almost instantly the dog-like lifeform was imapled, the knife went through its back, between two lines that ran down its body. Gooey green blood leaked forth from its back, the creature looked at him with dark, yellow eyes and spat him before it's eyes faded into black. He saw a small parasitic worm forced its way into the his chest, but it was too late as he tried to pluck it out but it burrowed even deeper into his flesh.
Low chuckles came from the room as dog-like creatures came, each growlin and chuckling.. slowly they crept toward him, the man gave up and went insane and started laughing hysterically and pulled out an antique grenade and pull the pin.. all of the dog-like creatures leaped at him each expecting a warm, chewy meal. Then the grenade exploded sending echos and bits of flesh down each dim-hallway until their was nothing more.
Magnai coudn't believed what he just witnessed, little creatures that tore through men as if they were nothing, each creature merciless at its own task. Slowly he left his security room grabbing his machine pistol and two clips knowing what must be done..
Men and women screamed in agony as demonic brown dogs tore them apart. After Mutilating each body they would run on in search of more prey. Men screamed as they fired their tiny machine pistols, you can hear each "ping" as each bullet casing fell onto the blood soaked floor. Then the "click" and that was the last sound they heard before someting leapt onto them.
Magnai watched security camera in horror and in disbelief as these little dogs tore through a room full of lightly armed civilians. A dog creature jumped on a man with a machine pistol, he wailed around trying to fling it off but it was no use, the creature seemed as if it was amused at this futile atempt, then chomped at his neck, his machine pistol splashed unto a warm pool of blood next to a pile of bullet casings. The last man in that room held his rifle, blasting away at the shadows, not knowing whether his rifle shook from recoil or from fear, the ammo counter read 34, 17, 9 , 2 then the dreaded "click". A menacing dog creature came out of hiding, it showed its teeth as if it was grinning and gave a low chuckle as it slowly crept forward and leaped. The man coudn't even feel himself think as his instincts kick in making him pull out his 17 inch, silver plated, stainless working knife and struck the air in front. Almost instantly the dog-like lifeform was imapled, the knife went through its back, between two lines that ran down its body. Gooey green blood leaked forth from its back, the creature looked at him with dark, yellow eyes and spat him before it's eyes faded into black. He saw a small parasitic worm forced its way into the his chest, but it was too late as he tried to pluck it out but it burrowed even deeper into his flesh.
Low chuckles came from the room as dog-like creatures came, each growlin and chuckling.. slowly they crept toward him, the man gave up and went insane and started laughing hysterically and pulled out an antique grenade and pull the pin.. all of the dog-like creatures leaped at him each expecting a warm, chewy meal. Then the grenade exploded sending echos and bits of flesh down each dim-hallway until their was nothing more.
Magnai coudn't believed what he just witnessed, little creatures that tore through men as if they were nothing, each creature merciless at its own task. Slowly he left his security room grabbing his machine pistol and two clips knowing what must be done..
Comments
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->The crackle of roughly filtered audio came across the comm line, then the sound of people running, one person's breath in particular loud and heavy. A cut, and we heard boots on ladders - from the clangs it sounded like many boots. Daring typed onto our HUDs: [Daring: Someone named "Magnai" is the recorder in most of these. Can't find more than a few seconds at a time. I'm scanning for speech spikes, something more informative.] Next, the unmistakable sound of weapons being handed out, ammo inserted, safeties clicked off. [Daring: They would have had a modest armory, nothing fancy or heavy. Sanjii was not a real target, even for Chinese sabotage.] More men running, a few terse, frightened words - a rebuke that could only mean "be quiet!" A splice to a new clip, a door whirring open, a few steps, then "Kharaa! Kharaa!" gunfire, inhuman screeches, the disturbingly clear sound of bodies hitting the floor. [Daring: estimate - four men, non-military, with machine pistols and low-grade rifles. Elapsed time of combat: 4 seconds.] A new clip: a room, many men and women, rapid-fire discussion. Again, even in Mongol, it was clear: a war room. Desperate plans. Something shatters, "Kharaa!", gunfire, furniture knocked over, screams, cloth and flesh ripping, clips reloading, weapons falling from hands to the floor. [Daring: it goes on for another fifteen seconds. They are not victorious. Anyone speak Mongol? This "Kharaa" appears again and again..] <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
i might do the 2nd part if anyone wants it. <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
and i know its not six days in sanjii but technically, nuthin happened b4 six days in sanjii but nvm. i udn care as long as its a gd read. and pls dn stop halfway liek most of the writers here.
Fire eel and that annoying kid are onyl some of the very few who actually completed their stories.
A little while ago he ran into a pair of demonic dogs that overran the men from the transfer-bay, they snarled at him taunted him, exposing their sharp-pointy teeth as if their sole purpose was to tear him apart. Inching forward, One of the two lifeforms pounced without warning, forcing him on his back, but magnai saw this before and kicked it off his body and sent it flying into the wall, to his amazement it stuck onto the wall as if magic was at work and gracefully crawled down next to his brother and gave out a low chuckle at his futile attempts to survive. Blood seeped out from his chest wounds, the skulk had made deep cuts when it leapt at him one of the cuts exposed a small portion of a rib, he felt dizzy and fell back, slowly everything turned dark..He knew this station was doomed, he knew he was dieing, he knew that he had failed...
"KHARAA" (means watch out in mongolian) screamed a young man as he cocked his shotgun, aimed toward the unidentified lifeforms. Two loud blast sent these demonic-dogs againts the wall, this time they didn't cling on them, instead they slid down, soaking the area around them with greenish ooze before their eyes turned dull and gray.
Magnai managed to croak the words "help me...plea.." and fell unconscious due to blood loss.
eh... my writing isn't that good..... Comments? Questions?
however, there is some problem with your tense.
by tenses, you probably talk about something like it's past and then switch tenses to the present.
Work on getting a tad bit more length out of each chapter. Add details and set the mood, I'm assuming that this takes place at sanji before the marines came?
Magnai woke with a start.. Sweat poured down his already warm and moist face and turned a little to his right and saw some bloody bandages, a needle and a strange container lying next to him. He tried to get up but felt a sharp pain on his chest, giving out a painful sound and fell back. "take it easy, i just gave you a light anesthic, pain killers and Regrowth syrume" Said the young man, pointing towards the strange container. "Dont worry about those dogs, i've sealed the emergency fire doors to prevent them from coming in here, they need to chew through 24 inches of solid dual-layer nano reinforced walls" and gave a weak smile. "forgive me for not introducing myself, I am Quaio"
"I was in a control terminal, doing nothing just like any other day until that door burst open"Quaio looked away.. I didn't know what to do so I woke up the other men and told them what was happening, of course they were tired and didn't believe me but i insisted..Now we know that these things are onboard our facility, we don't know how they got onboard, but we know that we better kill them before they kill us, Here have a glass of water."
Magnai gulped down half of the water and placed the cup on a nearby table and watched as his wounds quickly healed, sealing his chest from the outside air, and saw the skin on chest closed over the slight tear. The adrenaline slowly quicked in and magnai felt better.
Quaio "ahh i see that your feeling better, well.. theres nothing to do now.. we can't get into our communications center from here.. but there is a vent leading out of this area.. I'd go but I grown, particularly around my waist " He grinned and rubbed his rather large stomach.
" Maybe if you get there, you can send for help?"
Magnai felt normal and nodded and walked to the vent, Quaio boosted him up and gave him his shotgun along with 20 shells" He held up his thumb, wishing him good luck Magnai crawled through the tight vent, The air smelling cold and metallic from the Atmosphere proccessors. Crawling a little more, he kicked through some wires and ended up in a rather big room filled with computers..
He strolled around looking for the communication station and found it. He didn't know which button to touch and pressed random buttons. The screens around him activated to life and he saw Quaio and the others in that room. He opened a comm link to that room and asked what to do.
Before Quaio could speak he heard a low "bom" coming from the other side of the massive door. Quaio turned pale and heard another "bom" and a creak of metal against the heavy stress.
"bom bom bom bom"
This is whats going to happen
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->A new clip: a room, many men and women, rapid-fire discussion. Again, even in Mongol, it was clear: a war room. Desperate plans. Something shatters, "Kharaa!", gunfire, furniture knocked over, screams, cloth and flesh ripping, clips reloading, weapons falling from hands to the floor.<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
<!--emo&::marine::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/marine.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='marine.gif' /><!--endemo--> <!--emo&::marine::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/marine.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='marine.gif' /><!--endemo--> <!--emo&::onos::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tiny.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tiny.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Location: control terminal (future place of commander daring's base)
Quaio sighed, looking at the monitors each motionless. "why am i even doing this crappy job"though Quaio. "Nothing ever happens here, no one would even care to sabotage this facility"
Quaio yawned, took a glance at the monitors and sat back...
A cotton like sheep flew above him in the green meadow filled with butterflies and bunnys. Quaio skipped throughout the meadow happily picking up scented roses and daisys, occasionally sniffing them. He ran and skipped, occasionaly trampling some daisys. With one hand he scooped up the plants and the other, his Philly Cheese Steak. He happily munched his warm sandwhich while skipping and tripped over a large tree root, He fell down with his cheesy sandwhich in his mouth and squashed a bunny into a pancake.
"Argghh" Quaio had leaned back too much in his soft warm chair that he fell back and banged his head. He groaned and rubbed his head and mouth and found saliva on his chin and cheeks.. "Thats the last time im going to sleep with a empty stomache" he mumbled..
Quaio got up to go fix himself a snack but looked at his monitors and was startled.
The screen showed a mess, body parts were spread acrossed the blood red floor. A hand still held onto a machine pistol, its bullet casings around it. And a mutilated person with his legs torn off .What seemed to be little dogs were running over the corpses. Quaio turned pale and rubbed his eyes, hoping that his eyes were fooling him. No, they were fine.. THat room isnt.
Quaio opend a cabinet within the control room and grinned.. He took out what seemd to be a long stick, but unlike a stick,it had a trigger in back of it and a sliding mechanism in top. He stroked it and shoved a bunch of shells into it.
He clicked off the safety, cocked it
" Come get me BIATCHES!!"
Quaio smacked the man's big, hairy,chubby face. Hoping that he'd wake up now.
At last he stirred, mumbled and had a sleepy, dreamy look. "oh come on.. what is it now? im trying to catch up on my beauty sleep." said the sleepy one
The other half-awake guys heard the loud smacks and said"Even if you did sleep more you'd still be ugly"
Quaio was hysterical, begging them to pick up a gun and follow him.
They told him to stay calm and tell them what had happened, Quaio explained that something was killing everybody in this station and that they were going to die soon.
The men didn't believe him but they wanted to stop his screaming and go back to sleep, so they picked up some low grade pistols and weapons and followed him into the control terminal.
They had to take a second look to believe the viewing screen. The monitor showed that the "Cargo tranfer" room was filled with corpses, and only a few of them had guns but they were all wiped out. they saw a dead body lieing face down next to the exit, They assumed that person tried to escape but died trying.
Magnai and his group of 3 lightly armed guys walked out of the control terminal.
one of them said "Well, we got guns, we got bullets, lets go kick 'em outta our house" Magnai grinned at his enthusiam.
Magnai "I got an idea, follow me to atmospher proccesing"
The three guys followed him, not knowing that they were following him into a bloody death.
(He meets Magnai alonged the way and saves him.. They heal him, shut off some doors and closed some air vents in a few rooms, trying to suffocate those things)
"Cargo Storage" room (its a pretty big room) There are a few rats and broken pipes of water, The mongols were lazy, or just didn't care so they didn't bother fixing them. anyways The Cargo strorage room was closed and because there wasn't any cameras in their, the bacterium could grow unchecked.
Well, weeks passed and people working on sanjii came to the storage area thinking that they are just there to get some food, but they got much more.
Quaio was the first one to see them on the monitors as the aliens overan them.
Next, Magnai happend to see the room next to it and saw that these aliens also overan the unprepared guys.
Think of sanjii as a big space station, From the way my story is structured,
The cargo Area is the place where food and water is stored, the rooms next to it are used to transfer food to different parts of Sanjii. The Cargo area is somewhat far away from Quaio's and Magnai's position at the movement but they move fast so that is why they locked themselves in.
One i noticed blatently was the 2nd part, where you identified the alien as a skulk. According to the story so far, no person gave a name to identify the alien yet.
..........................
Sending Transmission.
Quaio didn't know what to do.. The door gave out a low "bom" as it was hit again and again. THe center of Massive fire doors started to protrude outwards, Magnai knowing what will happen in the next second screamed at Magnai to get off the Communications Line and get the hell out of there. There was no time to send the transmission.
"Magnai!! they're coming for us!!Get out of there quick, Theres a ventilation shaft that leads out of there and towards the lower levels, I haven't been down there before but i bet its much safer there... QUICK GET OUT." Said Quaio
Magnai quietly said goodbye to him and walked towards the shaft.
"Bom"
A large Horn appeared through the door, it wrenched around trying to make the tiny hole larger, it wanted to go through, to kill something, to feel warm blood, to cleanse these.. these intruders out of its new home. It tried a little harder to force its way in but it was tired, getting through the reinforced door was exhausting and it pulled back, and allowed its tinier, more agile bretheren to squeeze through.
Magnai held his breath as the horn tried to worm its way in there, but suddenly it pulled back. He stared at amazement and maybe it was tired. He didn't have time to think about as He recognized these little dogs started squeezing through, one by one.
THe 4 guys in there Pulled the trigger as far back as they could.
wait, where did i say that? I'll edit it <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Quaio heard the sharp scream and tried to hit it, instead his stray bullets went into a few control panels, hitting a switch that disabled the air-support.
It exploded
four SMG pistols fell onto the floor.
Magnai heard the explosion from the vents and quickly slid down the ladder, further down into the facility...
Quaio heard the sharp scream and tried to hit it, instead his stray bullets went into a few control panels, hitting a switch that disabled the air-support.
It exploded
four SMG pistols fell onto the floor.
Magnai heard the explosion from the vents and quickly slid down the ladder, further down into the facility...
Manual override.. Accepted
Life support activated..
You may enter and have a nice day.
Hissing sounds came out of the vents as the room was filled with life-giving oxygen
This door must be manually opened.
someone curses in the back, a clatter and a click.
bzzzzzzeh... (laser)
schweewhom.... (door opens)
a High-intensity laser protruded from a heavily sealed door, then it vanished. The four compartments of the door slid open, revealing some steam and some shiny new boots. There was a hissing sound as the compartments dissappeared, Granting them passage into the Abandon Facility.
"alright we're in, now what?"said someone.
A red laser beam appeared from some pistols and the helmet from a group of men. They quietly went into the room, their boots gave off a clink with each step.
They made sure that there was nothing in there and looked around.
"all clear"
"All right people, we got a job to do, and hey bring that chair over there will ya? thanks" says Daring.
Okay THE END!!!
if it is the end of the whole, story, it is very abrupt. does not tell me a lot and leaves a lot of loose ends.
action could do a bt of work. spelling too.
A Cargo Ship hummed as it flew through the vast and emptiness of space. The four engines on its rear glowed light blue and red, propelling the Medium-sized ship to its destination. The cargo ship’s name is the Levuya. She had a four man crew, each well attuned to their own job, after all they have been on it for almost 30 years. It was as big as a whale, and had a lot of space but was mostly occupied. The Levuya’s job was pretty simple, it delivered food, water, supplies and other necessities to its outer colonies along the outer rim dubbed the Adriane-Arm.
Most of the territory occupied here was under the control of china. These Chinese territories contained multiple small-world planets. Most of these world’s were not hospitable, due to extreme heats and -100F weather, but determined business men intent on making profits managed to persuade the government into controlling some of these planets and asteroids. These large chunks of rock may sometimes have valuable minerals and resources, quite valuable too. Wanting more profits, they stayed on these colonies.
The sanjii mine looks as if a large spacecraft crashed into it. The government in china was not satisfied at taking over small-world colonies, it also wanted to expand and drain even more resources out of the Adriane-arm. So they decided to take over asteroids that circled around these small planets. Landing on these asteroids were not easy as they thought, these asteroids had hard, rough surfaces that made it extremely difficult to land. Many ships and lives were lost, each attempting to claim a rich-asteroid for themselves.
But stubborn business officials refused to give up and finally a few of these asteroids were taken over.
Making an asteroid home was harder then even landing on it, first there was no air on the asteroids, as gravity was too weak to hold their own atmosphere. So, food and oxygen were delivered regularly to the miners as they rigorously dug even deeper into these gigantic asteroids. Artificial gravity was also implemented within each station. Most of these occupied asteroids had small space stations encrusted into the asteroid itself to prevent them from being thrown out into space. These stations served as landing areas for spaceships. A space station was usually the size of a small city, able to house thousands, and then there were rectangular air-tight highways that led to smaller stations along the space rocks. There were also air-tight containment areas that evened the pressure and sucked out the air to prevent loss of oxygen. Of course, regular space-showers damaged these highways so there were other air-tight doors to seal it off in case of a puncture.
There was this one unique asteroid/planet that stood out. It had the size between of a asteroid and earth’s moon. Also its surface was quite rough and similar to that of a pineapple. Jagged edges spiked out. Several Scientist having never saw this type of formation before assumed that these “spikes” might hold valuable resources. A small unmanned space probe landed upon its rocky surface and confirmed that there is iron, steel and some form of gold on its surface, along with several unnamed elements. The greedy officials not wanting to pass over a rich opportunity decided to take control of it despite the obvious dangers. The first attempt to control it was a complete failure. A medium sized class D landing ship tried to land on a not-so-rough surface but a meteor shower pounded the landing ship and spun out of control; it hit one of these spikes and exploded. All personnel died upon the explosion. The supervisors were surprised but weren’t shocked; they saw these “accidents” happen on the other asteroids. This time however, he sent a smaller Class E landing ship on it, The ship suffered massive external damage from a shower of meteors (this area has lots of asteroids, meteors and rocks) but was successful on landing and started drilling holes and preparing for the mining facility.
Many years have passed and some colonies were turned over to the TSA. The TSA was a newly formed organization; it was in its infant stages. Like infants they needed nourishment and space to grow, thus the TSA was badly in need of military stations to monitor large areas.
“shclank.” (rock impacts the cargo section of the ship)
“ssstttt fsstt.” (rock grinds the cargo space and slips off)
Rocks into this area were quite common, years and years of mining resulted in billions of hand-sized debris. Because these asteroids and small stations had an extremely weak gravity, explosions would propel these fragments out into the cold space. These rocks were quite dangerous and numerous ships that passed through this area came out dented and sometimes with large gaping holes the size of a basketball. Of course, humans just couldn’t stand cruising around in space with a dented ship so they reinforced many tiny ships with Grade A neo-steel plating. These plates were extremely expensive but it did the job, these plates could take extreme amounts of punishments and still emerge unscathed.
Of course the cargo ship Levuya had this type of plating because it frequently traveled around the Adriane-Arm, making deliveries for numerous colonists. The levuya had plating everywhere, on the wings, cockpit, belly and there were also extra plating on the engines as it really was a **** to be in the middle of space and all of a sudden the engines were smashed apart by a grapefruit size rock. Also, going out in a space suit wasn’t such a good idea as hundreds of rocks traveling at high speeds could ruin your day. The four man crew were use to hearing the scrapes and bangs of rock as they smashed into the hard plating of the ship. They weren’t worried at all and didn’t bother to look at the rocks as they hurled themselves against the tough ship. If someone did look out the windows or at least the external cameras, they would have noticed a greenish rock that and stuck onto the cargo compartment of the ship. (The only place that isn’t reinforced by neo-steel) One of them heard the noise and look at the screen.
Everything on the monitors showed green and some yellow but best of all there were no red signals, comforted by the optimal signals, he went back to work.