A Day In The Life Of A Skulk.....
bren
Join Date: 2002-11-06 Member: 7276Members
Join Date: 2002-11-06 Member: 7276Members
<div class="IPBDescription">Humour me....</div> A Day in the Life of a Skulk - by Khtlgyhgzzyhgth
People (well, proper people with tentacles and fangs and various forms
of acidic regurgitations and so forth - not like those freakazoid
human thingies we have for lunch sometimes) think being a skulk is all
fun and games. The popular stereotype is that we just hang around all
day upside down in dark places doing nothing, admiring ceiling tiles
while reading copies of Reader's SpawnSpouses until something
squishy walks by and we drop on it and have a bit of sushi. Well, let
me tell you nothing could be farther from the truth. It's a mutated
dog's life as a skulk and indeed as any sort of Kharaa these days
since those horrible Marine fellows showed up.
It used to be that a foreign species provided about as much challenge
as a non Old Firm scottish football team, but now we're the bloody
endangered species. I mean, for a start there are the turrets. The
b*****ds build turrets like Americans build malls, you can't turn a
corner without losing half your flesh to 20 of the damn things. And
they never seem to run out of ammunition! I don't know why they don't
just make their hand guns out of the same thing. So you think to
yourself, bugger, these turret things are blocking my traditional
routes down corridors, but Skulks Say NO! We will march anyway! And
you die. So after a few hundred dissections and reassemblies, you
decide f**k the traditional routes, it's time to take to the sneaky
backstreets. So you move into the tunnels...ah those tunnels, how they
bring joy to a skulks heart! I mean when you think skulking you think
small dark places. There's no better place to have a good old skulk
than in a tunnel. Or so you would think! Except the b*****ds go into
the tunnels don't they and they place trip mines all over the
place. Or they just place them across the front of the tunnel and
block your access like a female parking a car. I mean, is nothing
sacred? So they put up turrets and trip mines, but in the end they
can't carry them everywhere can they?
Well, they can, but happily they don't. Instead they move around
inside a man-shaped tank. Have you ever tried eating your way through
that armour stuff? I have! I took four or five good chomps and as I
was being put back together again inside the old hive I thought to
myself, f**k me, next time I'll ask him not to turn around and shoot
me. So after numerous reincarnations, you decide it's time to play
nasty. You decide to become a Fade for a little while just to shake
things up. It does horrible things for your complexion and really it's
quite gauche to be walking on 2 legs like the Monkey Boy Humans, but
anything is better than deskulled-skulk. So you become a Fade and
suddenly you can shoot things from afar! Wonder! Joy! Now you'll show
them a thing or two! And you do, you show them exactly how Fades
aren't much better at making turret bullets bounce off them than
skulks. So the turrets ream you time and time again and you decide to
shoot them to death. 4 years pass and you are still shooting acid at
the same turret who has killed you now 1478348474 times and never been
destroyed and never run out of bullets. They should make cars like
that. You've tried the odd bile bomb, but frankly they go about as far
as an old man's fart and are half as effective. Meanwhile Mr Heavy
Tank Marine has waltzed around your bijou Hive Complex while you have
been having your Personal Turret War and jetpacked around the room
shooting grenades from his endless supply into your frankly flaccid
phallic looking furniture. The worst thing is your own turrets shot
about three limp acid blasts before 7.2 bullets dropped them like a
geriatric's erection[tm]. Then they put 5 million more turrets in where
your hive used to be and there goes the neighbourhood. And the
neighbours. In a cloud of fluids.
By the end of the day you've realised that being an alien is not as
rewarding a job as it used to be. You've tried being a Lerk but
spitting pine needles and flapping like half a kite isn't as joyous as
you would think and the one time you got to be an Onos you charged 4
of the b*****ds and apparently 3 of them were wearing their
anti-tramling underwear judging from the size of the hole they made in
your elephantine arse. Of course after our hive has been converted
into the world's largest Turret exhibition, being an Onos is only
going to be enjoyed in your dreams in between nightmares of strange
mobile fridge shaped men rending you limb from limb with their teeth
alone having stacked their weaponry in a 25 foot pile at the side.
So at the end of the day, you become a skulk once more and since
everyone you ever knew is now a pool on the floor you hide in the last
remaining place in the universe which doesn't have either a turret or
a mine or a marine in it. For now.
bren <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' valign='absmiddle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
-----
www.jarhedz.com
p.s. It must be said NS has ruined my life. I mean even with all this
nailrending frustration when me and my alien kinfolk struggle against
the Homo Sapien infestations, how can I ever go back to the banality of a
desert eagle or a garand having leaped gracefully from 30 feet onto
someones head and burped their brains out before they even realised
they were dead? <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' valign='absmiddle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->
p.s.s. The new patch looks the business. Expect a free parcel of freshly
prepared Marine Intestine in a honey and tarragon vinaigrette as
thanks.
People (well, proper people with tentacles and fangs and various forms
of acidic regurgitations and so forth - not like those freakazoid
human thingies we have for lunch sometimes) think being a skulk is all
fun and games. The popular stereotype is that we just hang around all
day upside down in dark places doing nothing, admiring ceiling tiles
while reading copies of Reader's SpawnSpouses until something
squishy walks by and we drop on it and have a bit of sushi. Well, let
me tell you nothing could be farther from the truth. It's a mutated
dog's life as a skulk and indeed as any sort of Kharaa these days
since those horrible Marine fellows showed up.
It used to be that a foreign species provided about as much challenge
as a non Old Firm scottish football team, but now we're the bloody
endangered species. I mean, for a start there are the turrets. The
b*****ds build turrets like Americans build malls, you can't turn a
corner without losing half your flesh to 20 of the damn things. And
they never seem to run out of ammunition! I don't know why they don't
just make their hand guns out of the same thing. So you think to
yourself, bugger, these turret things are blocking my traditional
routes down corridors, but Skulks Say NO! We will march anyway! And
you die. So after a few hundred dissections and reassemblies, you
decide f**k the traditional routes, it's time to take to the sneaky
backstreets. So you move into the tunnels...ah those tunnels, how they
bring joy to a skulks heart! I mean when you think skulking you think
small dark places. There's no better place to have a good old skulk
than in a tunnel. Or so you would think! Except the b*****ds go into
the tunnels don't they and they place trip mines all over the
place. Or they just place them across the front of the tunnel and
block your access like a female parking a car. I mean, is nothing
sacred? So they put up turrets and trip mines, but in the end they
can't carry them everywhere can they?
Well, they can, but happily they don't. Instead they move around
inside a man-shaped tank. Have you ever tried eating your way through
that armour stuff? I have! I took four or five good chomps and as I
was being put back together again inside the old hive I thought to
myself, f**k me, next time I'll ask him not to turn around and shoot
me. So after numerous reincarnations, you decide it's time to play
nasty. You decide to become a Fade for a little while just to shake
things up. It does horrible things for your complexion and really it's
quite gauche to be walking on 2 legs like the Monkey Boy Humans, but
anything is better than deskulled-skulk. So you become a Fade and
suddenly you can shoot things from afar! Wonder! Joy! Now you'll show
them a thing or two! And you do, you show them exactly how Fades
aren't much better at making turret bullets bounce off them than
skulks. So the turrets ream you time and time again and you decide to
shoot them to death. 4 years pass and you are still shooting acid at
the same turret who has killed you now 1478348474 times and never been
destroyed and never run out of bullets. They should make cars like
that. You've tried the odd bile bomb, but frankly they go about as far
as an old man's fart and are half as effective. Meanwhile Mr Heavy
Tank Marine has waltzed around your bijou Hive Complex while you have
been having your Personal Turret War and jetpacked around the room
shooting grenades from his endless supply into your frankly flaccid
phallic looking furniture. The worst thing is your own turrets shot
about three limp acid blasts before 7.2 bullets dropped them like a
geriatric's erection[tm]. Then they put 5 million more turrets in where
your hive used to be and there goes the neighbourhood. And the
neighbours. In a cloud of fluids.
By the end of the day you've realised that being an alien is not as
rewarding a job as it used to be. You've tried being a Lerk but
spitting pine needles and flapping like half a kite isn't as joyous as
you would think and the one time you got to be an Onos you charged 4
of the b*****ds and apparently 3 of them were wearing their
anti-tramling underwear judging from the size of the hole they made in
your elephantine arse. Of course after our hive has been converted
into the world's largest Turret exhibition, being an Onos is only
going to be enjoyed in your dreams in between nightmares of strange
mobile fridge shaped men rending you limb from limb with their teeth
alone having stacked their weaponry in a 25 foot pile at the side.
So at the end of the day, you become a skulk once more and since
everyone you ever knew is now a pool on the floor you hide in the last
remaining place in the universe which doesn't have either a turret or
a mine or a marine in it. For now.
bren <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' valign='absmiddle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
-----
www.jarhedz.com
p.s. It must be said NS has ruined my life. I mean even with all this
nailrending frustration when me and my alien kinfolk struggle against
the Homo Sapien infestations, how can I ever go back to the banality of a
desert eagle or a garand having leaped gracefully from 30 feet onto
someones head and burped their brains out before they even realised
they were dead? <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' valign='absmiddle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->
p.s.s. The new patch looks the business. Expect a free parcel of freshly
prepared Marine Intestine in a honey and tarragon vinaigrette as
thanks.
Comments
*growl*
He agrees with everything you say
*growl!*
What? no...ahhh, you do like ceiling tiles...
<!--emo&::skulk::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/skulk.gif' border='0' valign='absmiddle' alt='skulk.gif'><!--endemo--> <!--emo&::asrifle::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/asrifle.gif' border='0' valign='absmiddle' alt='asrifle.gif'><!--endemo-->
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
<!--emo&::skulk::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/skulk.gif' border='0' valign='absmiddle' alt='skulk.gif'><!--endemo-->
I want one about a gorge now!
Lmao.
Well i think this is truley a day in the life of a losing khaaraa team, not a day in the life of a skulk.
<!--emo&::skulk::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/skulk.gif' border='0' valign='absmiddle' alt='skulk.gif'><!--endemo--> <!--emo&::asrifle::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/asrifle.gif' border='0' valign='absmiddle' alt='asrifle.gif'><!--endemo--> <<<b>CHOMPEH!!</b>>> <!--emo&::gorge::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/pudgy.gif' border='0' valign='absmiddle' alt='pudgy.gif'><!--endemo-->
Very well-done commentary, by the by. ^_^