Successful Relationships
Trevelyan
Join Date: 2003-03-23 Member: 14834Members
Join Date: 2003-03-23 Member: 14834Members
<div class="IPBDescription">What is the key</div> I didn't feel this belonged in the offtopic forum, but hey if it does it can always be booted out of here.
There is an ongoing theme I saw today in magazines I read while waiting to get my mouth drilled in the dentist office. "how to get a man" or "how to make men notice you". It seems women feel they must cater to men's needs when it comes to finding a mate. I looked through all the magazines looking for an article to men on finding a woman... but i ran out of time and I had to get a cavity that formed between two teeth (braces kinda prevented me from brushing that area) drilled n' filled. (worst place for a cavity BTW)
I then got home and searched online, where i found several pages written by relationship "specialists" (you really can't trust what you find online). From them i found another commen theme.
Communication Communication Communication. Is it really the 3 most important factors in a successful relationship? I've can't believe that one thing is the magic fix for all situations regarding the challenge in finding a life-long mate. So... just as confused as i was when i took interest on the topic... I ask your opinion. What works? what doesn't?
Edit: forgot gorge >,<
<!--emo&::gorge::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/pudgy.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='pudgy.gif' /><!--endemo--><!--emo&::gorge::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/pudgy.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='pudgy.gif' /><!--endemo-->
There is an ongoing theme I saw today in magazines I read while waiting to get my mouth drilled in the dentist office. "how to get a man" or "how to make men notice you". It seems women feel they must cater to men's needs when it comes to finding a mate. I looked through all the magazines looking for an article to men on finding a woman... but i ran out of time and I had to get a cavity that formed between two teeth (braces kinda prevented me from brushing that area) drilled n' filled. (worst place for a cavity BTW)
I then got home and searched online, where i found several pages written by relationship "specialists" (you really can't trust what you find online). From them i found another commen theme.
Communication Communication Communication. Is it really the 3 most important factors in a successful relationship? I've can't believe that one thing is the magic fix for all situations regarding the challenge in finding a life-long mate. So... just as confused as i was when i took interest on the topic... I ask your opinion. What works? what doesn't?
Edit: forgot gorge >,<
<!--emo&::gorge::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/pudgy.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='pudgy.gif' /><!--endemo--><!--emo&::gorge::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/pudgy.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='pudgy.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Comments
Let's see, what else....share a few interests, but don't share them all. Half the fun of a new relationship is learning about someone; if they're exactly like you, you're gonna get bored rather quickly.
Uh...don't take criticism poorly. If your partner isn't allowed to criticize you for fear of a scorching rebuttal or something, problems will just sit for months without being resolved.
Really, most of these rules apply to friends as well as love interests, because you can't be in love with someone if you don't like them as a friend first. Or at least, that's what I think.
or
If the girl dumps you, keep bringing up something you have experienced together. Worked for my friend and his girlfriend when they split up (wich they does quiet often, i must say) I must just try not to tell him that i actually slept with his girlfriend.
heh, no recipe from me. Just, good luck n' stuff.
Trying to act different or anything is silly because nobody can act forever and if you just do things because it's the way other people like it, it doesn't really make you happy.
Course... I'm probably not the best giver of romantic relationship advice having successfully avoided all and any to date. What can I say? I'm picky :p
Perchance, does he play NS? Could he be enticed to read the forums? <!--emo&:0--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/wow.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wow.gif' /><!--endemo-->
@Gem: yeah, I was thinking that, but then again a lot of people think that "communication" just means "talking a lot".
"Oh we have excellent communication, we just had a 20 minute chat on AIM." - almost exact quote from a friend of mine.
You need someone who you can share them with, who won't freak, and to some degree understand them, and you need to be able to dot he same.
Not that you should have identical problems. I don't know. I recetnly started hanging out with this friend of a firned, turns out that we both **** up in almost identical ways (cutting, habitual drug use, lingering depression, our attitudes towards that depression, problems with our families due to our sexuality, etc[interstingly enough, we don't considre any of those bad things, just things that other people don't get, don't approve of etc, but to us are good....I think I'd have to get into to much personal detials to explain why]). She's becoming by far one of my best friends, if not my best, but I couldn't ever see hooking up with her. We're just too simliar, it would be like....i don't know....its hard to put into words.
Thats what I think, but maybe this just applies to those of outside society's norms. Though I suppose that this goes beyond the realm of emtional baggage. You need someone simlair enough to be attracted and have things in common, but still be different enough to have some prespective about the other eprson...and some space...space is always good....or is that just me?
That's hardly a real romantic relationship anymore, in my book. That's just two people getting together for no-strings sex.
The way i see it, all those little bits of advice from fairytales and such have some sense to them. Stay open and honest, be yourself, and be grateful. My personal opinion, but i think to have a good relationship you should be best friends.
Thats what im shooting for. <!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/wink-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
So if you meet someone compatible, here are the things that I think are important, from most important to least important:
1) Trust - Total trust. Complete, absolute trust in everything that your partner does.
2) Communication - To a certain extent, it doesn't matter how much you talk, but rather how good the talks are. If you have to keep secrets from your partner, it's not going to end well. This fits in with the trust category.
3) Leadership - This fits in with astrology, trust and communication. You have to decide who is the dominant one in the relationship, if anyone. But it also needs to be kept in mind that sometimes the submissive one wants to be dominant, and sometimes the dominant one wants to be submissive. Not necessarily "whipped", however. It is possible to have a relationship where both people are equal, but it's not necessarily the best thing.
The same applies to friendships.
That's hardly a real romantic relationship anymore, in my book. That's just two people getting together for no-strings sex. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Actually, that depends on how you regard sex, I think.
If by "no strings sex" you mean "no relationship," then you could apply that to any and all sexual relationships outside of the primary, "real" relationship. Or you could have people that are polyamorous, sex aside, and then it doesn't really matter.
I've had wonderfully romantic relationships that were not monogamous - both types that I describe above. It just takes people that can really differentiate and separate sex and emotional attachment.
Er, back to the main topic. I guess the main stuff has been hit on - respect, communication, and really, there's that spark we call "love," I think. You can't really explain it, or maybe you can, but it's just sort of there, and you have to feed it and keep it going. Sometimes, it goes out for whatever reason, and that's when things start falling apart.
That's hardly a real romantic relationship anymore, in my book. That's just two people getting together for no-strings sex. <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Funnily enough, I think that if you love someone, forcing them to have sex with you for the rest of their life isn't something you'd do. I know I still want to have interesting sex with attractive people, as so does my parter, on occasion. So we do. We're getting married next year, so I don't think the acceptance of this fact is harming our relationship.
From personal behaviour and observation, I believe that monogamy is a product of possessiveness and emotional immaturity. I know that having sex with another person has absolutely no impact on my feelings for my partner. The same applies in return. Communication is, as people say, key.
If you have to lie about your feelings and desires, then you aren't communicating.
Money(The more the better)
Physique(The better looking/larger/stronger the better)
A while back cwag said something very memorable about this, to something of the effect of what I am trying to say but I just don't have his level of linguistic skills <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->
1) The ability to communicate your emotions and differneces effectively without leaving either party mad. Couples ALWAYS disagree on something, but to the extent and frequency is unique to each couple. One must be able to express what one is feeling, but not to the point where the other person feels bad.
2) Respect. Respect for the time together and time apart. Its good to spend a lot of time together but thats how people get burned out of relationships. Make sure you both have your own set of friends, that way you guys spend time apart with them. Respect her time with her friends, and she'll respect yours.
3) Trust. You have to be able to trust one another. Trust is the most important thing. If you cannot trust your partner, the relationship will not last regardless of how good the sex is, how much you love each other, etc...
4) Having a good time. You must enjoy each other's company, otherwise whats the point? (it seems common sense but there are couples together that I see and I am just like WTH is the point, they always scream at each other).
<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
yeah, I was thinking that, but then again a lot of people think that "communication" just means "talking a lot".
"Oh we have excellent communication, we just had a 20 minute chat on AIM." - almost exact quote from a friend of mine. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
yep.
There is more that goes into successful relationships than anyone could ever write down. It's kind of a work in progress. Here are a few tips I'd give:
HONESTY -- for crying out loud always tell the truth, if you are always honest even if sometimes blatantly it's better than lying or having a situation where people get wrong impressions. If there is somebody else who keeps on trying to break you up so he/she can have you the best way is to level from teh beginning with your partner and let them deal with that person.
LISTENING -- This really matters to women and something they find irksome about guys. Cause guys don't usually do well with being attentive and making eye contact with a girl when she wants to tell you something that means a lot to her. There's no way for women to tell the difference in that situation to tell if we are listening to them or tuning them out. Again all people, especially guys are usually poor listeners. Shut up about yourself and your needs and try to listen to the other person. Shy people avoid talking when they can so you need to ask questions to break the ice. As a guy who is usually shy around women myself I've been focusing on trying to be the one to break the ice. As a general rule on a date you want him/her to be talking more than you.
LOVE -- love to me means more than affection and sexual attraction, when I hear "love" I usually just equate it with uncondition caring for the well being of a person or thing which is actually exactly what "true love" is supposed to be about. Deep care for another.
WORKING PROBLEMS OUT TOGETHER -- There is an insane ammount of emphasis on finding that "perfect person" or "perfect soul mate." If this person isn't perfect for you then the popular thing is to divorce or break up. It's sad so few people try to work out their relationship problems anymore. If you can solve the problem together then it brings you that much closer together.
Some people aren't meant to be together.
That's why so many people emphasise 'communication'. It's a kill or cure method, if you both honestly talk to each other about how you feel and the things you think about then you will either stay with each other forever or break up. Both of which is good as if you break up then you won't be wasting your time with this person who you really weren't meant to be with.
Some people aren't meant to be together.
That's why so many people emphasise 'communication'. It's a kill or cure method, if you both honestly talk to each other about how you feel and the things you think about then you will either stay with each other forever or break up. Both of which is good as if you break up then you won't be wasting your time with this person who you really weren't meant to be with. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Here's an interesting interjection. We will only know, say, 5000 members of the opposite sex during our lifetime, and probably not even that many. If we only know one six-hundred-thousanth of our possible mates, how can we possibly say that we know the 'one we were meant to be with?' The statistics against it are so great, that it might happen a few times in each country, but it'd be so rare it'd not be worth considering.
So, given the impossibility that any person on these forums will ever find 'the person they were meant for,' why are we still discussing perfect relationships when we know we'll never have them?
Moreover, saying "I was meant to be with someone" implies that we were meant to be with someone BY something else. If we don't beleive in a higher power, how can we believe we will ever find this perfect relationship that we all so desperately strive for?
Discuss.
I just mean that, sometimes, no matter how hard you work to make the relationship last it just won't. Then you have to accept it and move on.
I just wanted to take this piece out of context to emphasize just how true that it is. You can be a totally poor chief of a small tribe that lives in teh jungle but you'll be happy because your the chief. That's who the people who are around you want to be and respect. By contrast you are a person who has millions but are a bitter old man who lives in a mansion and tries to overwrite the loniness and unhappiness feeling with plenty of Beefeater.
It is certainly relative, relative to the social environement around you and relative to how the individual is influenced or affected by it.
I love you Grendel <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->
I think the potential problem with this - not on the part of either partner - is that it seems rare, at least for me, to come across people that can do the same (separate emotional attachment from the act of sex); they may claim they do, but it seems like every time, they decide after the act that they "feel something." Which doesn't affect me anyway since I can just brush them off - but my point is that it can cause inconvenience.
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->Also, if a "perfect" relationship is one where there is no fighting, than I'd rather not have a perfect relationship. <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Fighting makes things interesting. <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile-fix.gif' /><!--endemo--> I'd rather not have a "perfect relationship" in that case too. Besides, how are you supposed to have make-up sex?
So far I've yet to find a girl that actually means what she says, I'm sure they are out there but Ive just not been lucky enough to find them yet.
That's hardly a real romantic relationship anymore, in my book. That's just two people getting together for no-strings sex. <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Funnily enough, I think that if you love someone, forcing them to have sex with you for the rest of their life isn't something you'd do. I know I still want to have interesting sex with attractive people, as so does my parter, on occasion. So we do. We're getting married next year, so I don't think the acceptance of this fact is harming our relationship.
From personal behaviour and observation, I believe that monogamy is a product of possessiveness and emotional immaturity. I know that having sex with another person has absolutely no impact on my feelings for my partner. The same applies in return. Communication is, as people say, key.
If you have to lie about your feelings and desires, then you aren't communicating. <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
This is interesting, I don't recall us every having any sort of poly vs mono debate here on these boards.
First off, ultimately whatever works for all involved is the key really, whether poly or mono.
My opinion though is that mono will always have that extra commitment involved because you count on one person only.
You have only one sex partner and through exploration you can grow together.
If you can have sex with anyone else you like where is the motivation to explore deeper with your primary?
You say "why force someone to have sex with only one person"... as if this is some sort of drag. What are you looking for that your partner does not have? Why does sex with the same person have to be dull?
Emotional immaturity? Please don't generalize here. I believe you can counter the immature possessive mono with the immaturity of a poly who needs multiples to feel special and loved - and equates sex with self-worth. Who constantly needs the rush of "new relationship energy" as if it is a drug of some sort. Not to mention jealousy which seems to plague most of those relationships.
Maturity is not a function of poly/mono.
Trust is the key to any relationship really.
As long as the mistake was not HUGE, ie cheating behind his/her back etc etc, i feel that "forgive and forget" can help a long way in a successful relationship. Yes, its better to avoid such mistakes through better communication etc but once in a while sumthin falls through the cracks.
May I emphasize the FORGET part.
Well I have seen my best friend in a relationship that had zero agruments (and still is). There wasn't any agruments as in major ones where you have them screaming at each other. I dunno why exactly but he once told me is because they just talk it out logically. If there is a disagreement they will discuss it. Kinda makes sense when one is a dedicated accountant and the other dedicated comp sci.
It is still a very loving relationship (they are engaged now). I would agree i prefer to in one that has agruments but thats me. But my friend's example shows that zero agruments can still survive.