Welcome Back, United States
Shockeh
If a packet drops on the web and nobody's near to see it... Join Date: 2002-11-19 Member: 9336NS1 Playtester, Forum Moderators, Constellation
If a packet drops on the web and nobody's near to see it... Join Date: 2002-11-19 Member: 9336NS1 Playtester, Forum Moderators, Constellation
<div class="IPBDescription">(Yes, this is a joke)</div> I'll begin by presuming English humour will once again escape 97.85% of our readers, so a small Disclaimer....
<b>This is a joke</b>
Without further ado....
<!--QuoteBegin-Her Majesty The Queen+--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (Her Majesty The Queen)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the
light of your failure to elect a competent President of the
USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of
the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in
the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words
such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is
nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'
(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be
replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome
to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using
the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If
you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you
shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'
and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not
limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in
Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand
regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no
longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If
you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States
will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required
to cast English actors to play English characters. British
sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not
be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional
political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem,
"God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task
1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There
is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American
"football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are
aware that there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will
no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played
with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least
a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing
baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the
'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls'
game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team
strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd
will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will
be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars,
you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will
be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the
left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even
French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the
guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a
country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are
thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional
accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm
and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup
will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of
Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made
within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer
is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st
only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as
"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as
"Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product
of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will
allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years
in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or
"Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until
April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will
harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the
Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
$6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so
many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be
independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're
not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be
with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues
due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
I presume this will not format correctly, so I'll fix it afterwards. Enjoy.
EDIT : No I won't, as it refuses to, and makes a potato hash of this fine letter. So I'll just correct the percentage instead.
- Shockwave
<b>This is a joke</b>
Without further ado....
<!--QuoteBegin-Her Majesty The Queen+--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (Her Majesty The Queen)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the
light of your failure to elect a competent President of the
USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of
the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in
the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words
such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is
nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'
(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be
replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome
to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using
the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If
you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you
shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'
and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not
limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in
Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand
regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no
longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If
you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States
will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required
to cast English actors to play English characters. British
sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not
be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional
political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem,
"God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task
1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There
is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American
"football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are
aware that there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will
no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played
with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least
a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing
baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the
'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls'
game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team
strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd
will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will
be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars,
you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will
be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the
left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even
French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the
guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a
country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are
thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional
accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm
and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup
will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of
Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made
within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer
is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st
only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as
"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as
"Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product
of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will
allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years
in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or
"Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until
April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will
harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the
Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
$6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so
many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be
independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're
not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be
with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues
due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
I presume this will not format correctly, so I'll fix it afterwards. Enjoy.
EDIT : No I won't, as it refuses to, and makes a potato hash of this fine letter. So I'll just correct the percentage instead.
- Shockwave
This discussion has been closed.
Comments
Enter stage left uptight Pseudo-Political Americans with rebukes for all above points...
Its like this: Dear n1ggers - we hate you all, you are stupid, lazy, hypersexed, immoral and inferior, you are our darwinian ancestors and are unfit for existance (ps this is a joke dont take it seriously)
You do realise that making yourself out to be superior from someone else based around nationality is called racism right?
Apart from that, its hilarious, as it shows how poorly the Old Countries are taking to having become sidelined. And when you consider that Americans are exporting their culture like no tomorrow, then you can understand why there is a bitter undertone to all that - your culture is getting raped by American pop. Why should you care if Americans spell things differently? If you tried to correct an Australian's pronunciation and spelling in a pub down under, we would take great pleasure in beating you senseless - I have no doubt the Americans would do likewise. "Mind your own business, we speak how we wish to" sums up our attitude.
Or, as the average American would put it - we kicked your arse back in the 18th century so we didnt have to put up with this, and we could damn well do it again.
I'm not being drawn into wrongness or rightness, because frankly it's ****-for-tat and it would go on all day. I've posted as I found it quite amusing, there's some English self-depreciation in there too and it's pretty much what the UK mentality for humour is.
Incidentally however, they pretend to be in jest whilst being honest sentiments because that is the nature of humour. Every stereotype has a grain of truth, every joke that is found funny is only funny because you can picture it in reality. Such is the comedy of this wonderful tapesty of life.
Be offended, don't be, it was all in jest. I thank you.
- Shockwave
Oh come on, you don't think that Americans don't have a stereotype of British people do you? <!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/wink-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
To be honest I think it's swings and roundabouts, both nations have jokes about each other. It wouldn't bother me if an American put together a similar post - I'd probably even get a laugh out of it <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/smile-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so
many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be
independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're
not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun. <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
WAHAHAHAHAHA
Hahhaaha...
woo...
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->I could make a really lengthy and funny joke about the arrogance and silly way that the British speak<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Most of the people of different nationalities than american don't mind a little joking, as long as it's light hearted and not overly serious.
Marine has a point though. And, as an American, if the idea of us electing a good prez for another 4 years really bothers you, I could make a really lengthy and funny joke about the arrogance and silly way that the British speak, or simply tell you to perform that impossible feat involving you and certain objects of your own.
By the way, we do get Brit humor. Why else does Monty Python sell so well over here?
Marine has a point though. And, as an American, if the idea of us electing a good prez for another 4 years really bothers you, I could make a really lengthy and funny joke about the arrogance and silly way that the British speak, or simply tell you to perform that impossible feat involving you and certain objects of your own.
By the way, we do get Brit humor. Why else does Monty Python sell so well over here? <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
That the point. Most people out side the US hate him, even the BBC rip it out of him. Maybe it's because he's so Pro-American (Nothing wrong with that) and you don't see it, but he really is a bad president. But hey, wait 4 years and we can have an i told you so sorta speach.
-danish guy
-danish guy<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Hemm,
We use the ? because it's our currency
We don't use inches, me are metric, although we still use miles
Yes we drive on the left but so does Anguilla, Antigua & Barbuda, Australia, Bahamas, Bangladesh, Barbados, Bermuda, Bhutan, Botswana, British Virgin Islands, Brunei, Cayman Islands, Channel Islands, Cyprus, Dominica, Eire-Ireland, Falkland, Islands, Fiji, Grenada, Guyana, Hong Kong, India, Indonesia, Isle of Man, Jamaica, Japan, Kenya, Lesotho, Macau, Malawi, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius, Montserrat, Mozambique, Namibia, Nepal, New Zealand, Northern Ireland, Pakistan, Papua New, Guinea, Seychelles, Singapore, Solomon Islands, South Africa, Sri Lanka, St Kitts & Nevis, St. Helena, St. Lucia, Surinam, Swaziland, Tanzania, Thailand, Tonga, Trinidad and Tobago, Uganda, US Virgin Islands, Zambia, Zimbabwe, St. Vincent & Grenadines And The UK
- Shockwave
-danish guy<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Hemm,
We use the ? because it's our currency <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
I believe he means the weight <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Was a good laugh though.
-danish guy<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Hemm,
We use the £ because it's our currency
We don't use inches, me are metric, although we still use miles
Yes we drive on the left but so does Anguilla, Antigua & Barbuda, Australia, Bahamas, Bangladesh, Barbados, Bermuda, Bhutan, Botswana, British Virgin Islands, Brunei, Cayman Islands, Channel Islands, Cyprus, Dominica, Eire-Ireland, Falkland, Islands, Fiji, Grenada, Guyana, Hong Kong, India, Indonesia, Isle of Man, Jamaica, Japan, Kenya, Lesotho, Macau, Malawi, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius, Montserrat, Mozambique, Namibia, Nepal, New Zealand, Northern Ireland, Pakistan, Papua New, Guinea, Seychelles, Singapore, Solomon Islands, South Africa, Sri Lanka, St Kitts & Nevis, St. Helena, St. Lucia, Surinam, Swaziland, Tanzania, Thailand, Tonga, Trinidad and Tobago, Uganda, US Virgin Islands, Zambia, Zimbabwe, St. Vincent & Grenadines And The UK <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
yes but they are all colonies and yes the pounds i mean weight thing
I reckon a lot of people would get a laugh out of it, but given that this sentiment has been voiced loudly, without any trace of humour a <b>lot</b> recently, I dont find it as funny. Stereotypes like "Southern Accents" and "British Accents" and fine, but once we head towards intellect and inferiority, then I start to hesitate.
You can laugh "with" someone if you dont believe the joke - like if your friend says "I'm ugly" and you both laugh, thats gentle humour. But if someone else calls her ugly in seriousness, and you laugh, then you are laughing at, and it is vindictive. Given that Bush-bashing is commonplace now, and this is a product of the last election - it is so clearly laughing at that I would feel bad enjoying it.
<a href='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=82933&hl=bush' target='_blank'>I beg to differ</a>, yet even then I will argue humour to the point at which it becomes completely unfunny. I used to suffer from a deep hatred of the US and since my "conversion", I cant laugh at things like this - much in the same way in which a raped woman doesnt find jokes about rape all that funny.