Unnamed
SilentMurderer
Join Date: 2002-10-30 Member: 1751Members
Join Date: 2002-10-30 Member: 1751Members
This is the first NS Fiction i've ever written so be gentle with me. It's not done but i'll finish it if you like it... I mean, this is not even the first chapter =)
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He ran towards the base screaming, "GET ME OUT OF HERE! COMMANDER! FIND AN EXIT! QUICK!! COMMANDER! AAAH!! NOOOO!"
He felt something sharp being plugged into his back, and everything vegan to fade black...
The Commander screamed into his microphone, "Johnson? Johnson, answer me!", no answer.
"Group Three, head to PowerSilo."
The third group ran towards silo, they had just entered Silo and they saw blood splattered all over the walls,
"What the hell happened here Commander?" Greyhound said. They heard clicks from behind, Murph was the first one
to turn around, he screamed and then the scream turned into random bubbles of blood coming up his mouth.
Everyone turned and started to shoot everywhere, but they got nothing except the look of a little dog looking
creature running down the corridor.
"Commander! Scan the place for us!"
They heard a little beep and they saw a group of Kharaa's heading towards them.
"****!" Greyhound said. "Commander! Drop us a Phase Gate, Quick!"
They heard a click and a phase gate dropped behind them.
"Tech and Firestorm, you go activate it. I'll cover you." Greyhound said.
He walked around looking for something that's not supposed to be there.
He looked with extra care into every corner, then he saw something moving.
Greyhound walked to that corner and he saw Johnsons' body! He heard screams so he turned around and...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
He ran towards the base screaming, "GET ME OUT OF HERE! COMMANDER! FIND AN EXIT! QUICK!! COMMANDER! AAAH!! NOOOO!"
He felt something sharp being plugged into his back, and everything vegan to fade black...
The Commander screamed into his microphone, "Johnson? Johnson, answer me!", no answer.
"Group Three, head to PowerSilo."
The third group ran towards silo, they had just entered Silo and they saw blood splattered all over the walls,
"What the hell happened here Commander?" Greyhound said. They heard clicks from behind, Murph was the first one
to turn around, he screamed and then the scream turned into random bubbles of blood coming up his mouth.
Everyone turned and started to shoot everywhere, but they got nothing except the look of a little dog looking
creature running down the corridor.
"Commander! Scan the place for us!"
They heard a little beep and they saw a group of Kharaa's heading towards them.
"****!" Greyhound said. "Commander! Drop us a Phase Gate, Quick!"
They heard a click and a phase gate dropped behind them.
"Tech and Firestorm, you go activate it. I'll cover you." Greyhound said.
He walked around looking for something that's not supposed to be there.
He looked with extra care into every corner, then he saw something moving.
Greyhound walked to that corner and he saw Johnsons' body! He heard screams so he turned around and...
Comments
[edit]
became a hypocrit in my post (sp error on the spelling error)
[/edit]
keep up the good work!
*must....feed fan fic...addiction...need new...fanfic...hurry*
<!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->
very true, beggars can't be choosers...
more please!
<!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->
By the way... How's your story going?
<!--c1--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>CODE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='CODE'><!--ec1--> Prolouge
He ran towards the base screaming, "GET ME OUT OF HERE! COMMANDER! FIND AN EXIT! QUICK!! COMMANDER! AAAH!! NOOOO!"
He felt something sharp being plugged into his back, and everything vegan to fade black...
The Commander screamed into his microphone, "Johnson? Johnson, answer me!", no answer.
"Group Three, head to PowerSilo."
The third group ran towards silo, they had just entered Silo and they saw blood splattered all over the walls,
"What the hell happened here Commander?" Greyhound said. They heard clicks from behind, Murph was the first one
to turn around, he screamed and then the scream turned into random bubbles of blood coming up his mouth.
Everyone turned and started to shoot everywhere, but they got nothing except the look of a little dog looking
creature running down the corridor.
"Commander! Scan the place for us!"
They heard a little beep and they saw a group of Kharaa's heading towards them.
"****!" Greyhound said. "Commander! Drop us a Phase Gate, Quick!"
They heard a click and a phase gate dropped behind them.
"Tech and Firestorm, you go activate it. I'll cover you." Greyhound said.
He walked around looking for something that's not supposed to be there.
He looked with extra care into every corner, then he saw something moving.
Greyhound walked to that corner and he saw Johnsons' body. He heard screams so he turned around and he saw three
Skulks' running towards his friends. He raised his Light Machine Gun and emptyed (How's that spelled?) his magazine
on one of them. Tech crawled on the ground, his leg were totally still, then he stopped moving.
"Commander, Tech is K.I.A," Firestorm said with a deep sad voice, "and i'm badly hurt."
Greyhound built the Phase Gate and a medic and three recruits came to them.
Greyhound stood up, looked at them,
"What a bunch of Rookies." he said with a low voice.
The medic took the pulse of Tech, he looked up on Greyhound and shaked his head slowly.
He then walked and bandaged firestorms leg.
"Commander, set the phase on a teleport back to main base."
They entered the phase and returned to the main base on planet Pluto.<!--c2--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--ec2-->
keep up the good work
Chapter 2 coming as soon as it's done.
Chapter 2 coming as soon as it's done. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
yeah, no problem....
when is done?
<!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif'><!--endemo-->
Describe the character's surroundings. Right now all you have is their actions but when i try to imagine it in my mind all i see is the soldiers moving against a black background. It would make the story much better if you described the locations they are in. It would add some atmosphere to your story.
At the first i wouldn't use all caps in speech. While it does show that the urgency and fear in the soldier's voice, it is not the best way to do it. Instead of just telling the reader that he is running and screaming describe what is happening to him. Show his fear. You could describe him tripping and stumbling as he makes a run for the base. Maybe say he tosses his weapon to the ground. That would be one way to show what the character is thinking, it shows that he has given up and thinks fighting back is useless.
Also in the first part don't use 'he' before you use the character's name. It should be 'Johnson ran for the base screaming......', otherwise it is a little confusing and makes the reader stumble.
Here is one suggestion that is a personal preference to me but its not necessarily something you did wrong. Maybe try to avoid using speech tags (i.e. said, screamed, yelled, whispered, etc.....), and use descriptions to identify the speaker.
Example:
"Commander, Tech is K.I.A," Firestorm's voice was strained, his words seperated between bursts of machine gun fire, "and i'm badly hurt."
Basically thats it. Keep working on it and don't be afraid to change things. Its a good start. Maybe give the reader a little more information in the prologue about what is going on. The prologue (if you decide to have one) should help hook the reader on the story.
I have only three words for you: rewrite, rewrite, rewrite.
The reason i do so much misspelling is that i'm from sweden, and i usually write swedish stories.
I'm not so good in english but i can speak english... What does strained mean?
The exact meaning from the dictionary of 'strained' is: marked by or done with excessive effort.
Well, i can only speak english, i was never good at other languages, but I like to think i speak and write english very well. Keep up the good work on your story and i'll keep giving suggestions. And correcting spelling and grammer (i took a publication editing class and i now always correct stuff in my head as i am reading, it can be annoying to me as well as others <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif'><!--endemo--> )
<!--emo&:(--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/sad.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='sad.gif'><!--endemo-->
no worries, take your time dude-bro-man-guy
<!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->
Chapter 2 coming as soon as it's done. <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
yeah, no problem....
when is done?
<!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif'><!--endemo--> <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
hehe.. The respond is here =)
It's done when i've found enough time to finish it =)
(take your time, as long as I get me some fan fic!)
sweet
<!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->
p.s my spelling and typing is v bad dont ... critiscise me on it lolz
p.s my spelling and typing is v bad dont ... critiscise me on it lolz <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Hehe.. I know =) I usually do really good stories.. And i get highest rate from my english teacher... In case you didn't know, That FIRST thingy i did took five mins =) And right now, my brother's on a LAN so i can't write on it ( <!--emo&:(--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/sad.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='sad.gif'><!--endemo--> ) But i'll polish it when he gets home. And i really apprectiate that post... I just LOVE constructive Critisism... <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->
Wellwell... Bye now then =)
-Anders
constructive critisism
heres some right now
me wants MORE!
kind of like nodding your head yes with a pleasant smile on
IE tricked me into thinking I hadn't posted
sry for the double post, spam is a bad thing...
(to any mod, feel more than oblidged to delete this particular post)
Hehe.. Feel free to do that mods =)
and yes, that would be nice if we could clean make this thread neat 'gain