Johnsson ran in the towards the base screaming, "GET ME OUT OF HERE! COMMANDER! FIND AN EXIT! QUICK!!" He ran through the sewers, the water splashed behind him, and he could hear steps coming closer. Johnsson threw his weapon into the water, his heart were pounding faster than it ever have before. "COMMANDER! AAAH!! NOOOO!" He felt something sharp being plugged into his back, and everything began to fade black...
The Commander screamed into his microphone, "Johnson? Johnson, answer me!", no answer. "Group Three, head to PowerSilo."
The third group ran towards silo, the metal walls were covered with goo, and blood were splattered all over the walls, "What the hell happened here Commander?" Greyhound's voice was low, he breathed so hard that he could barely talk. They heard clicks from behind, Murph was the first one to turn around, what he saw was a little black shadow, he screamed and then the scream turned into random bubbles of blood coming up his mouth. Everyone turned and started to shoot everywhere, but they got nothing except the look of a little dog looking creature running down the corridor.
"Commander! Scan the place for us!" Tech's voice were no more than a mouses' eek. They heard a little beep and they saw a group of Kharaa's heading towards them.
"****! Commander! Drop us a Phase Gate, Quick!" Greyhound were scared, you could hear it in his voice.
They heard a click and a phase gate dropped behind them.
"Tech and Firestorm, you go activate it. I'll cover you." Greyhound gave them the order very slowly and carefully so that the Kharaa wouldn't hear them.
Greyhound walked around looking for something that's not supposed to be there. The walls had little holes in them, green goo and slime were coming down the wall, and when it reached the bottom of the wall it poured out to the sewers together with the water. He looked with extra care into every corner, then he saw a leg laying in the corner. Greyhound walked to that corner and he saw Johnsons' body. He heard screams so he turned around and he saw three Skulks' running towards his friends. He raised his Light Machine Gun and emptied his magazine on one of them. Tech crawled on the ground, his screams did not sound human, the screams only included fear and pain in its' sounds. Tech's body were shaking hard, then he stopped moving.
"Commander, Tech is K.I.A," Firestorm's voice was strained, and he faded away in small bursts of fire, "and i'm badly hurt."
Greyhound activated the Phase Gate and a medic and three recruits came to them.
Greyhound stood up, looked at them,
"What a bunch of Rookies." this time his voice wasn't as low as it used to be, it was loud and his voice sounded like a bear.
The medic took the pulse of Tech, he looked up on Greyhound and shaked his head slowly. He then walked and bandaged Firestorms leg.
"Commander, set the phase on a teleport back to main base." Greyhounds' voice were back back to normal again, low and strained.
They entered the phase and returned to the main base on planet Pluto.<!--c2--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--ec2-->
That_Annoying_KidSire of TitlesJoin Date: 2003-03-01Member: 14175Members, Constellation
hmmm
your ending seemed like an anti climax, but thats okay, I felt like you could have wrapped it up with something a tad better than just phasing back to Pluto, and just calling it Pluto seems to flow more, becuase most people know that it's a planet.
and the forums also had fun with your spacing, try to nip that in the bud next time.
other than these minor suggestions and my personal views, good werk
That_Annoying_KidSire of TitlesJoin Date: 2003-03-01Member: 14175Members, Constellation
well you don't have to if you don't want to, it's your story... those were just my thoughts <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
That_Annoying_KidSire of TitlesJoin Date: 2003-03-01Member: 14175Members, Constellation
I have a third chapter out, and I'm making the fourth....I've got the ideas and the know how, I'm just going to have to sit down and do it <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
=) Your story seems to be going forward... I'm stuck because of school! <!--emo&:(--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/sad.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='sad.gif'><!--endemo-->
That_Annoying_KidSire of TitlesJoin Date: 2003-03-01Member: 14175Members, Constellation
the ironic thing is the first two chapters were done in class! <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif'><!--endemo-->
and you're going a pretty good job with your fan-fic, keep it up
hmm... You don't listen to your teacher but you get stuff done... Id on't listen but i don't even know what i'm doing <!--emo&???--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/confused.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='confused.gif'><!--endemo-->
Comments
By the way. My brother is on his way home from the LAN right now so that means i can START WRITING AGAIN!
<!--c1--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>CODE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='CODE'><!--ec1--> Prologue
Johnsson ran in the towards the base screaming, "GET ME OUT OF HERE! COMMANDER! FIND AN EXIT! QUICK!!"
He ran through the sewers, the water splashed behind him, and he could hear steps coming closer.
Johnsson threw his weapon into the water, his heart were pounding faster than it ever have before.
"COMMANDER! AAAH!! NOOOO!" He felt something sharp being plugged into his back, and everything began to fade black...
The Commander screamed into his microphone, "Johnson? Johnson, answer me!", no answer.
"Group Three, head to PowerSilo."
The third group ran towards silo, the metal walls were covered with goo, and blood were splattered all over the walls,
"What the hell happened here Commander?" Greyhound's voice was low, he breathed so hard that he could barely talk.
They heard clicks from behind, Murph was the first one to turn around, what he saw was a little black shadow,
he screamed and then the scream turned into random bubbles of blood coming up his mouth.
Everyone turned and started to shoot everywhere, but they got nothing except the look of a little dog
looking creature running down the corridor.
"Commander! Scan the place for us!" Tech's voice were no more than a mouses' eek.
They heard a little beep and they saw a group of Kharaa's heading towards them.
"****! Commander! Drop us a Phase Gate, Quick!" Greyhound were scared, you could hear it in his voice.
They heard a click and a phase gate dropped behind them.
"Tech and Firestorm, you go activate it. I'll cover you." Greyhound gave them the order very slowly and carefully
so that the Kharaa wouldn't hear them.
Greyhound walked around looking for something that's not supposed to be there. The walls had little holes in them,
green goo and slime were coming down the wall, and when it reached the bottom of the wall it poured out to
the sewers together with the water. He looked with extra care into every corner, then he saw a leg laying in the corner.
Greyhound walked to that corner and he saw Johnsons' body. He heard screams so he turned around and he saw three
Skulks' running towards his friends. He raised his Light Machine Gun and emptied his magazine
on one of them. Tech crawled on the ground, his screams did not sound human, the screams only included fear
and pain in its' sounds. Tech's body were shaking hard, then he stopped moving.
"Commander, Tech is K.I.A," Firestorm's voice was strained, and he faded away in small bursts of fire,
"and i'm badly hurt."
Greyhound activated the Phase Gate and a medic and three recruits came to them.
Greyhound stood up, looked at them,
"What a bunch of Rookies." this time his voice wasn't as low as it used to be,
it was loud and his voice sounded like a bear.
The medic took the pulse of Tech, he looked up on Greyhound and shaked his head slowly.
He then walked and bandaged Firestorms leg.
"Commander, set the phase on a teleport back to main base." Greyhounds' voice were back back to normal again,
low and strained.
They entered the phase and returned to the main base on planet Pluto.<!--c2--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--ec2-->
your ending seemed like an anti climax, but thats okay, I felt like you could have wrapped it up with something a tad better than just phasing back to Pluto, and just calling it Pluto seems to flow more, becuase most people know that it's a planet.
and the forums also had fun with your spacing, try to nip that in the bud next time.
other than these minor suggestions and my personal views, good werk
those were just my thoughts
<!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
<!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif'><!--endemo-->
and you're going a pretty good job with your fan-fic, keep it up
good times no?